Up in the air, leaving Amy and Berlin after a 6-day visit to meet with Frieder Weiss, our collaborator for the upcoming May project for the SF International Arts Festival.  Amy and I held our second annual fundraiser for Amy Seiwert / im'ij-re on Monday, March 22nd, then hopped on planes Wednesday, March 24th.  Yes, planes.  3 of them.  Each.  Well, that's how it worked out using my flight miles.  We didn't fly together, but we managed to depart and arrive at nearly the same times which worked out perfectly so that we met at the airport in Berlin.  She's staying for almost 2 more weeks to enjoy and explore.  I, on the other hand have to get back for work, which will have me traveling less than 24-hours after I land, then heading back over to Europe a few days after that; an exercise in being grounded while living part-time in the air.  I'm grateful to have the willingness to keep my yoga and meditation practices going during these traveling days.  I've even gotten back into sitting before bed, which I hadn't kept up on a regular basis.  So here I begin again today with the first of 3 flights on my way home.  I wouldn't say it's second-nature to travel so much, but I've learned how to live out of suitcases since age 11 when I first began performing and traveling.  My first out-of-the-country trip didn't happen until my visit to Japan in 1995 on a sister-city exchange with Cincinnati and Gifu.  Ever since then, my desire to explore and immerse in other cultures has been strong.  I feel fortunate that because of dance and my current work, I've landed in some cool places.

I've been interested in visiting Berlin for many years after learning about the big art scene there, particularly in reference to modern dance and performance.  Finally, I made it.  Amy and I did get around a bit, but mostly we worked on the project - talking out ideas, emailing the production crew, emailing for other work, meeting with Frieder at the cafe by his place and by the apartment where Amy and I stayed, dancing in front of his projections and video manipulations in several studios - overall a cool opportunity and unique way to see Berlin!  We took in some of Berlin's other highlights and even saw a powerful play.  One visit that I didn't even know would get to happen was to see the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe.  That's what they call it, clearly stated as to what it memorializes.  Would we title a memorial like that in the states? ponder..…  It was an impressive full-city block of something like 2700 cement rectangular blocks, each the width and length similar to a coffin, but variable heights up to 10 feet or so, on an uneven ground arranged on a grid.  It was a wild playground for children and youngsters and possibly a scary predicament for their parents. It conjured up feelings of being concealed and safe to a sense of surprise to whom you'll meet or lose.  The density of the blocks and the starkness of the grey cement created barriers, yet also guided the way.  Unlike a labyrinth, there was a certainty to which way the path could go, it was only unclear where you might end up.

Next to note was the play we saw called, "Third Generation" written by Israeli playwright, Yaeli Ronen.  It was a raw, cleverly structured play focusing on third generation Israelis, Palestinians and Germans, offering their insights into the open wounds still present within each side, passed down from generations.  They all wore t-shirts that had "3G" written on them to help signal the commentary and humor about to unfold.  It was one of those experiences where at times I was laughing hard while on the verge of bursting into tears crying, wondering which one would take over.  I felt connected to the struggle of all sides, to the frustration inside of each group wishing for the other to have compassion for their side - to the resentments and anger layered over years of pain, mixed with each groups need to fiercely declare their independence and identity in order to build safety, harmony and sense of place within their own community - the common side-effect being that it creates separateness from other communities, pride of self and fear of losing this sense of power and sense of place.  I will only be able to comprehend this to a certain extent, having not had real first-hand experience.  But maybe that's the key - I have the ability to see this from a more objective perspective without being tangled in the specific emotional web.  Maybe it's from this point, from the third generation removed, that a shift happens rather than making old minds change.  I believe it's both, and initiated from the heart of compassion, from which it comes from whomever has found it for the other, young or old.  We all wish to be free.  But do we wish to be free at someone else's expense?

It's Passover.  My first night was in Berlin, after the few days of the events above.  I didn't get to have a seder as I initially hoped, but I feel that I had an experience that pointed to the spirit of Passover in a surprisingly deep way. Amy waved her hand over my head as we walked down the cobblestone streets, passing the main synagogue and shops, most of which are guarded 24 hours a day in her efforts to help me feel connected to Passover.  She declared, "I passed over!" It worked.  I felt it.  Being in Berlin on the first nights of Passover was the most aware and protective I've felt of my Jewish history and identity since my travels to Cairo and Amman in 1999 and 2000.  While being Jewish may not be the first thing you see when you see me, it's one of the first things I relate to in terms of community, culture and identity.  While I'm not an avidly religious Jew, I feel a dedication or at least a sentimental connection to "my people."  My mother is Jewish and my brother Steve and I were raised Jewish by our also Jewish step-dad.  For many years, being Jewish was the given.  Being anything else was a thing to learn about.  It's kind of like the memorial of cement blocks, where what is perceived on the outside is only a fraction of what is felt once you journey inside.  Speaking of inside and outside, back to Passover - it's a holiday about looking inward (and a bit backward) to experience peace today and going forward.  I strive to become aware of what binds me, then work from that in order to comprehend freedom and peace within.  From accepting that there is suffering, to finding the root of suffering, to moving away from suffering and to find quiet, great shifts in consciousness happens.

I'm also honoring the holiday by not eating leavened bread (one of the symbolic gestures of Passover) and other wheat-based products.  This is particularly helpful for me now since my bread and wheat-sugar-stuff eating has been getting gluttonous.  I notice my body doesn't do so well with so much wheat and certainly not well with daily consumption of sugary snacks, so I'm thankful for the bell that rings in my consciousness, signaled by the reminder note of Passover.  I see it as a time to focus inward on what it necessary for a clear passage into freedom and happiness.  I've been reaching outward to certain foods for comfort and sadly, these foods deplete my body of nutrient, store fat and suppress my feelings.  When I eat well, I feel better - I can comfort AND give goodness.  This is the interesting stuff of how the body and mind work together, how I can convince and justify for or against my body with food.  A little refined sugar/wheat here and there is fine, but having compulsive energy, sometimes a little bit turns into all the time for me.  At the very least, lets see what happens by abstaining for this week of Passover. 

This is what I work towards - to be able to access the full spectrum of emotions and to honor them rather than wish they were different.  To honor the fact that experience can conjure up such feelings, that we have the capacity to feel so strongly about something or someone, and then have a need to do something about it whether consciously or unconsciously aware.  It is my practice to discipline myself toward right action rather than harm to myself and/or others - ahimsa.  It's the gift of bhakti yoga, where the practice of devotion immerses us in the flow of all feelings.  It's the practice of asanas, where the moving body is the teacher for the racing mind, cleansing and purifying the whole body/mind connection so there can be a space of healing, a space of meditation.  It's the practice of yoga.  It's finding freedom, moving away from that which enslaves. It's Passover, wherever you are. Celebrate freedom!

 Amy and I got back this afternoon from a mini-retreat to the Headlands Center for the Arts in Sausalito, CA.  We planned this trip in order to work on our final details for our upcoming fundraiser on Monday and to further hash out ideas to take with us on our Berlin trip, which we depart for next Wednesday.  Busy week next week!  It seems our retreat adventure came and went in a flash and I can barely recall having been there.

The Headlands Art Center is the magical place that I came to in 1996 when I was awarded an Artist in Residence from Ohio for my performance and visual art work.  This place fills my whole self with a high that awakens my senses and memory of past years.  Whenever I come out here, I feel deeply connected back to those days and months when I had the opportunity to develop as a maturing artist (at the wee-age of 26).  I often think how incredible that time was for me, how honored I was to receive a 3-month residency.  I made my way from Cincinnati to Sausalito to be welcomed by a huge bedroom and one of the large studio spaces all to myself.  As Artists in Residence, we had dinner prepared by a chef 5-nights a week and the sprawling green hills of the Marin Headlands to call home for a while.  I remember being overwhelmed at first, sleeping on the floor of my studio for many days, not knowing what in the world to do with myself with so much time, space and no pressure to have to create.  Somedays, the 6:00 dinner time was the only plan I would have.  Thank goodness for that time!  What was I to do with all of this, especially when the intention of this residency wasn't to create anything but to be? - To take in the Headlands landscape, interact with the community of fellow International Artists in Residence and reside in the sanctuary of free space and time (Today that is heaven, back then it felt at first like a mini-hell!  I felt trapped by freedom).  Little did I realize, it was that exact recipe that inspired me to use the space and express my creativity in a way that I may never have realized.  It was a gift that took years for me to digest and really understand how to appreciate.  It helped me recognize that I have the ability to take things for granted and not even know how to appreciate them until the experience has passed.  What are other areas that I do that in my life?  I wonder why that is?  Or maybe I appreciated experiences as much as possible at a given time, and upon reflection, I can appreciate it even more since my life is so different today.  Meditate on that…..

When my residency ended, I went back to Cincinnati and I remember feeling strongly that it was time to leave, time to spread my wings...or simply it was time to change.  I had built a connection with Maura in NYC who was creating a dance company called, In Mixed Company, so after a week back, I moved up to NYC.   (I wrote about much of this story in a previous blog on a visit to NYC in February.)  After 6 months in NYC, I ended up back out here in the bay area after being asked and agreeing to join Joe Goode Performance Group.  It was meant for me to be out in the bay area for so many reasons.  Little would I learn that for my well-being, San Francisco was where I needed to be.  I was struggling with how to take care of myself in my mid to late twenties and it seemed that looking outside for happiness was the way to go, which kept me hunting for more and more places, people, things and ways to be happy.  I didn't want to be seen as weak so I hid my struggles, which created a Marc that I wanted others to see, and a Marc that no one could see - and one was constantly threatening the other.  I wasn't even clear which life was meant to prevail! I was most certainly trapped in a fiercely dualistic perspective, lost in looking outside of myself for answers, caught in black and white, winner and loser, right and wrong way, better and worse.

During my first couple of years here in SF, I was often complaining about the area, wondering if I was going to go back to NYC where so much more was "going on".  I wasn't sure if being here was gonna stick, if I could handle places closing at 9pm!  Was I gonna feel like an artist still, or was joining a dance company on the west coast selling out?  Was I killing my momentum around making my own work?  I remember back then, that I was feeling desperate to just be involved in making art because I was struggling to make ends meet.  Here was a steady dance job and I was gonna be able to live off of a salary, more or less.  I discovered after getting here that I would need to do other work to subsidize my dance work - welcome years of catering.  I discovered after some years, that this was the most perfect place I could have landed - personally, artistically, emotionally and spiritually.  Being in San Francisco, away from what felt like the drug of NYC (but really had nothing to do with NYC), I feel like I've been able to acknowledge and bring healing to the addictive ways of my being, the split-life persona, in order to find the truth of happiness within myself.  Yoga and meditation practice have been some of the important keys on this key-chain of healing.

So many times it has taken great reflection to be able to comprehend what was going on in my past years, to be able to appreciate the gifts in life.  Like untangling a string of knots and only then being able to appreciate beauty of the string.  I happen to actually love untying knots as a side note.  It takes patience, acceptance and discipline and whenever I do it, it brings a peacefulness…after some frustration and confusion usually, which I seem to be ok with going through.  It's an untying meditation….in many ways I'm sure.  Nowadays, I try my best to appreciate the moment right when it's happening.  I said to Amy on our way up, that I wanted to be sure and appreciate our time up there WHILE it happens, rather than wait some years and then look back and be able to recognize the coolness of this experience.  I want to be able to recognize and appreciate all of the love that I receive from so many people.

I do feel blessed to have been invited to present performance pieces out there over the years.  It was really the only place that I felt inspired and where I experienced a longing to make work.  Out at the HCA, I have felt more invested in process and true creative expression.  It has felt more authentic to me out there.  In recent years since I've stopped dancing, I've returned to paint and to have retreat experiences, like what Amy and I just experienced.  We used this time to focus on our current work with the company she founded - Amy Seiwert / im'ij-re.  So that's what brought us out again after our first visit together in 2008.  We got some work done these last few days, but I have to say the highlights for me were:  1. building little rock sculptures during the hike we took. 2. Singing various versions of the 12-days of Christmas but using our days at the Headlands as reference for the lyrics.  3.  Freeing a trapped bat in our house in the middle of the night.  4.  Seeing Headlands folk that I love.  It was a very short time, but the feelings last a while.  I like getting high on the Headlands.  I appreciate all that happened.  I do.

Tonight I taught yoga class at Studio Gracia.  Olivia has become my faithful student and I love teaching class to her.  We had the experience of practicing while set pieces were assembled and loaded onto a Uhaul for a couple locations of on-site work by LevyDance.  Many great sounds, footsteps and conversations filled our ears during class.  I encouraged Olivia to keep focus more on the music or her breath, and to pull back from the studio noises, the distraction - to bring her mind away from noise and to direct it to the calm.  I joked after practice that all of this was planned for her benefit - to test her strength of mental focus.  I believe this really was about all that and Olivia proved to know how to do that.  How great to have this challenge.  After class, I went to watch the work by LevyDance at Washington Park and Union Square.  It was a sweet night of seeing friends, witnessing beautiful art in public spaces and taking a break from all that I have going on.  The late bike ride home and the late night dinner weren't really what I was planning on, (let alone staying up to work on this blog), but it sure was a nice way to end my day.

I'm learning to love whatever my day brings…or to at least not take any moments for granted, any of them.  Any of them will change and become something else and I may even forget them...which I'm ok with. I'm so happy that I get high on life these days.  Sure better than anything else I've tried...and I've tried!