It's a miracle - I finished and published this blog entry!!  I started writing the majority of this blog over half a year ago.  I never imagined it would require a miracle to get this done!  With tonight being the last night of Hanukah where the miracle of light is celebrated, I figured I could join in on the season of miracles.  A little motivation to be clever paid off here!  I didn't intend to wait this long or to drop off from my yogamukuda website, but it feels kinda cool to be completing this during the festival of lights and giving energy back to this practice of writing and sharing.  I could blame my work and life schedule for why I dropped off from writing this blog - or I could blame myself for being distracted by other "more interesting" things - or I could just let it go and be grateful that I've completed this now.  Rather than spend time worrying about how to find the perfect blame, I'd rather work on additions and edits on what's become my holiday blog!  :D

So the meaning of the above quote has grown over the years for me, always launching me into an introspective space filled with the wisdom I have at the time.  In 12-step recovery work, there is basically an outline that delivers "the promises" of recovery which is what I believe are the miracles of that work (click here for The Promises).  And this passage highlights the change that will happen through a committed practice: "if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way thru…".  It builds towards healing and recovery of the self and guides us into being of service to others - the 12th step.  These miracles have happened in my life and stand as proof that deep, transformational change can happen - we aren't just stuck with the way we are or the way things are.  For many years, I believed I was stuck and worked to create a life around that place of stuck-ness.  I'm still working through more areas where I feel stuck today (work in progress) so I can compassionately pierce through and know more of myself.  In the meantime, I reflect on what has been to recall the awareness that life is a journey with many destinations melting into new starting points. 

Prior to yoga practice, spiritual counseling and recovery work that began in 2001, I don't know that I ever fully understood what a miracle looked or felt like.  I mean I experienced some pretty cool things in life, but nothing that I understood as a miracle (I would later be able to recognize that there were many miracles that had happened in my life once I could soberly look at all of my life's experiences and relationship to all people, places and things).  A miracle to me was the parting of the Red Sea or someone being cured of a life-threatening illness or disease - huge, unbelievable things I had only read about, not ever experienced or witnessed.  I wanted a miracle in my life even though I wasn't sure I believed I would get it.  At first, the best I could imagine was that the miracle was a black and white thing - I would stop my addictive behavior.  After some time, my lens broadened and my hope was that the miracle could be that I would never feel trapped by my own behaviors, or that I'd become free from hurt, sadness and loneliness, or that I'd wake up and have the perfect job, partner, family, etc.  I even had some specific spiritual notions that I held above me, wishing for the miracle of enlightenment, transcendence and divine wisdom.  Yes, one scent of getting a miracle and I wanted more!  Sound familiar?!  Through all this, I also sat with self-loathing that miracles were definitely available to others, but not sure I was in for the count on this one.  But deep inside my heart pounded a knowingness that there must be something better than what I had and I was curious enough to stick around to see if I'd get even a small miracle.  Sometimes I even credit the compulsiveness in me that held that belief!  Whatever it was, it was real and it was a part of me.

I was aware that others in the 12-step rooms seemed to have found something that changed them and I was desperate for a shift like they had.  The feeling of grasping for something that I didn't have possession of, that I felt I didn't deserve or couldn't afford was painful.  It brought up so many voices of judgement and criticism, that it occurred to me that I was unhappy with who I believed I was.  For all the dancing I did (literally and figuratively) behind the mask of a perfectionist, I was able to admit that I was standing in anger and fear of this life.  I got that there was more that I wanted to feel and be, but had no sense of how to get there.  Something about walking through the 12-steps helped me get in touch with the power of a journey, a pilgrimage, a spiritual awakening.  As I made it through the first-step of surrendering to the power held within the addiction, I got that a part of me would fight against this path.  But only because my behaviors were so habitual, so ingrained in my identity that to be in a place where I wasn't using old patterns, seemed impossible.  This stage of my development required being with the unknown in a way I had not consciously experienced.  This is where my spiritual counseling and deepening yoga practice came as a necessity to this work. It felt like asking me not to eat or spend money!  But really, it was more like asking myself to not eat things that make me feel sick or spend money that I don't have/abuse credit.  Ugh…money.  I'll have to write about my relationship with money and things in an upcoming blog!

For my current perspective, the "miracle" refers to being fully awake and alive, utterly present to the beauty of life's offerings in every moment.  Miraculous when life can be that simple!  Seriously.  Moving with the flow of all things versus hoping for life to only be filled with lots of "this" and none of "that" - ie wanting only happy things rather than accepting the depth of sorrows that exist, isn't the reality that I live in today.  And being Debbie-downer all the time and not recognizing the gifts all around is equally off-balance!  Rather than one being better than the other or outweighing the other, I recognize both as useful, beneficial, even one in the same in terms of all experience being the fruits of wisdom.  I'm not just saying that to be saying something fancy - I mean it!  It's precisely because of the darker places that I've visited and acknowledged as part of myself that help me feel whole and rich, conscious and present.  These are the riches, the "presents" that I forget to acknowledge when I feel like I don't have enough.  What is it that I'm searching for when I believe I need to own more things, or when I have envy for others, or when I feel like I don't deserve?  What is that really?  Again, my triple-doses of yoga, therapy and the 12-steps have guided me to these answers at times in my life, and when I notice these feelings entering back into my head, I'm reminded of the tools of practice to use again and again.  It's been worth taking the time to know or at least ponder because of the freedom I've found when I answer those questions.  Freedom is the miracle of being present to ones true needs - that's what I've come up with for the moment.  But once again, how does one get there?!  The first thing that comes to mind is to find humility and truth in a kind moment and ask if you need help.  Otherwise, there's no space for change.  Your cup is full and there's no way to pour any change in it.

Because I'm forgetful, I often forget who I am and need a reminder, which I call a miracle!  Anything that helps me get back to that place where I'm not wrestling with my ego, not fighting with time and not getting angry when things don't go my way, then a miracle has happened.  When I expect the miracle to be bigger, more substantial and longer-lasting, well, then I'm in need of the miracle of being fully present.  Being in a community that encourages me to remember who I truly am is detrimental to my health and wellness.  When I've been around a community or group of friends that encourages the ego part of myself to rise or that promotes a negative trance, then I need to move away or at least be sure that I'm creating a balance of energy in my life.  I used to like to challenge myself by sticking around until I could be unaffected by the circumstance, but at this time my experience shows that I do better by removing myself from harmful environments until further notice!  AND, that I'm not really bullet-proof like I think I am.  I'm getting stronger and wiser, but I'm still aware that I'm susceptible to going weak around some situations that distract and challenge me more than I can handle at the time.  The tool I've used in the past is to build stronger ties with healthier folks and talk about what's going on as plainly and as often as I can.

There have been many times when the goal of a miracle kept me going.  The goal of experiencing liberation and peace kept me going so I could change my stuck situation or bring healing to a tough relationship.  Since this summer, I've been on such a ride where I had to keep faith that all was moving towards a miracle.  A relative of mine chose to become homeless almost 6 months ago, dropped farther into drug-addiction - using and selling, after bottoming out on a handful of lost hopes and dreams that loosened his grasp with reality.  I offered my home versus the streets at first, but when I learned of the drug connection, I took away that option offering it if and when he was ready to let go of that part of his world.  Rather than figure out how I was supposed to help change his life, my work was to show up and love this person, to find deepest compassion in my heart for the pain and confusion that he was experiencing, and to turn over my needs to a Higher Power.  I've wanted to write about this in my blog, but haven't been quite ready to put this all together yet.  I gather that now that I've put it out there, I'm at the very least willing to write more on this.  In many of my moments through this, I could get that faith was an energy that responded when activated by practice.  I could get that I wasn't in this situation by accident, and that it was best for me to show up as fully alert as I could.  The only way to do this was to not do it alone.  I didn't do the best job, but I know I did a good job at that.  Part of what I felt was happening is that the carrot, aka the miracle was just there to give me direction, so I could trust that all was moving toward a state of truth.  I reached a point where I surrendered to the fact that this state may involve losing this person completely to their mental illness and drug addiction.  It was a heavy period and I'm grateful things have dramatically changed from then.  In fact it's gone 180 degrees and this person is walking along the path of the 12-steps and has changed his life.  Oh man am I grateful!  I'm grateful that I had a practice that directed me to have faith in things beyond my control.  This could have ended up any number of ways and the story I'm sure isn't totally finished.  I'm also sure that in some ways this is being presented to me as an opportunity to rise to my fullest self, to keep doing what I'll call my work, which to me means my life's practice and life's calling.  So this is where things are today and that's all I really need to worry about!

Do you have a sense that there is "work" to be done?  If not, that's awesome!  I mean it!!  That's a miracle in my book!!!!  If someone is content and never questioning, then that is his/her path.  And if ever an impulse arises or a friend nudges you or stirs up some stuff that gets your panties in a bunch, then take it as a sign that there's a little work to be done.  Even though it's gotten me angry at times, when a friend or even a stranger is able to stir things up for me and it agitates me, I know there's something for me to look at and I ultimately feel grateful for that agitation.  And likewise when a friend acknowledges me in a positive way and I have trouble accepting the compliment, there's some loving work to be done.  And along the ride with this healing work, I remind myself to "keep it simple" and "easy does it."  Not only are those 12-step slogans, but they're also translatable with the style of yoga that I practice and teach.  Through an easeful and mindful practice, I have found a way to know that peace is my true nature.  And when I am experiencing that peace, healing work is happening within and beyond my conscious state.

Before I forget to make mention, how about these miracles:  Planes, child-bearing and birthing, veganism, breath, holiday cheer, beehives, antfarms, our relationship to the universe, internet, time that heals, photos, imagination, outer space, inner space, photosynthesis, fire, love, crystals, prayer, finishing a great book, waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, celebrating anything that brings joy, the human body, gravity,… (add 5 more in your head right now!)……. _______,  ________, _________, _______, _______!!!

Hope your season continues to be merry and bright, filled with peace and joy for one and all.

P.S.  On my plane ride back from visiting my 100 year-old Great Aunt Bee (spelled B-e-e like a bumble bee) for Christmas, I saw this quote:  "The best way out is always through."  -Robert Frost.  Hang in there, there's a miracle waiting/happening/being with you in every moment!