Up in the air, leaving Amy and Berlin after a 6-day visit to meet with Frieder Weiss, our collaborator for the upcoming May project for the SF International Arts Festival.  Amy and I held our second annual fundraiser for Amy Seiwert / im'ij-re on Monday, March 22nd, then hopped on planes Wednesday, March 24th.  Yes, planes.  3 of them.  Each.  Well, that's how it worked out using my flight miles.  We didn't fly together, but we managed to depart and arrive at nearly the same times which worked out perfectly so that we met at the airport in Berlin.  She's staying for almost 2 more weeks to enjoy and explore.  I, on the other hand have to get back for work, which will have me traveling less than 24-hours after I land, then heading back over to Europe a few days after that; an exercise in being grounded while living part-time in the air.  I'm grateful to have the willingness to keep my yoga and meditation practices going during these traveling days.  I've even gotten back into sitting before bed, which I hadn't kept up on a regular basis.  So here I begin again today with the first of 3 flights on my way home.  I wouldn't say it's second-nature to travel so much, but I've learned how to live out of suitcases since age 11 when I first began performing and traveling.  My first out-of-the-country trip didn't happen until my visit to Japan in 1995 on a sister-city exchange with Cincinnati and Gifu.  Ever since then, my desire to explore and immerse in other cultures has been strong.  I feel fortunate that because of dance and my current work, I've landed in some cool places.

I've been interested in visiting Berlin for many years after learning about the big art scene there, particularly in reference to modern dance and performance.  Finally, I made it.  Amy and I did get around a bit, but mostly we worked on the project - talking out ideas, emailing the production crew, emailing for other work, meeting with Frieder at the cafe by his place and by the apartment where Amy and I stayed, dancing in front of his projections and video manipulations in several studios - overall a cool opportunity and unique way to see Berlin!  We took in some of Berlin's other highlights and even saw a powerful play.  One visit that I didn't even know would get to happen was to see the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe.  That's what they call it, clearly stated as to what it memorializes.  Would we title a memorial like that in the states? ponder..…  It was an impressive full-city block of something like 2700 cement rectangular blocks, each the width and length similar to a coffin, but variable heights up to 10 feet or so, on an uneven ground arranged on a grid.  It was a wild playground for children and youngsters and possibly a scary predicament for their parents. It conjured up feelings of being concealed and safe to a sense of surprise to whom you'll meet or lose.  The density of the blocks and the starkness of the grey cement created barriers, yet also guided the way.  Unlike a labyrinth, there was a certainty to which way the path could go, it was only unclear where you might end up.

Next to note was the play we saw called, "Third Generation" written by Israeli playwright, Yaeli Ronen.  It was a raw, cleverly structured play focusing on third generation Israelis, Palestinians and Germans, offering their insights into the open wounds still present within each side, passed down from generations.  They all wore t-shirts that had "3G" written on them to help signal the commentary and humor about to unfold.  It was one of those experiences where at times I was laughing hard while on the verge of bursting into tears crying, wondering which one would take over.  I felt connected to the struggle of all sides, to the frustration inside of each group wishing for the other to have compassion for their side - to the resentments and anger layered over years of pain, mixed with each groups need to fiercely declare their independence and identity in order to build safety, harmony and sense of place within their own community - the common side-effect being that it creates separateness from other communities, pride of self and fear of losing this sense of power and sense of place.  I will only be able to comprehend this to a certain extent, having not had real first-hand experience.  But maybe that's the key - I have the ability to see this from a more objective perspective without being tangled in the specific emotional web.  Maybe it's from this point, from the third generation removed, that a shift happens rather than making old minds change.  I believe it's both, and initiated from the heart of compassion, from which it comes from whomever has found it for the other, young or old.  We all wish to be free.  But do we wish to be free at someone else's expense?

It's Passover.  My first night was in Berlin, after the few days of the events above.  I didn't get to have a seder as I initially hoped, but I feel that I had an experience that pointed to the spirit of Passover in a surprisingly deep way. Amy waved her hand over my head as we walked down the cobblestone streets, passing the main synagogue and shops, most of which are guarded 24 hours a day in her efforts to help me feel connected to Passover.  She declared, "I passed over!" It worked.  I felt it.  Being in Berlin on the first nights of Passover was the most aware and protective I've felt of my Jewish history and identity since my travels to Cairo and Amman in 1999 and 2000.  While being Jewish may not be the first thing you see when you see me, it's one of the first things I relate to in terms of community, culture and identity.  While I'm not an avidly religious Jew, I feel a dedication or at least a sentimental connection to "my people."  My mother is Jewish and my brother Steve and I were raised Jewish by our also Jewish step-dad.  For many years, being Jewish was the given.  Being anything else was a thing to learn about.  It's kind of like the memorial of cement blocks, where what is perceived on the outside is only a fraction of what is felt once you journey inside.  Speaking of inside and outside, back to Passover - it's a holiday about looking inward (and a bit backward) to experience peace today and going forward.  I strive to become aware of what binds me, then work from that in order to comprehend freedom and peace within.  From accepting that there is suffering, to finding the root of suffering, to moving away from suffering and to find quiet, great shifts in consciousness happens.

I'm also honoring the holiday by not eating leavened bread (one of the symbolic gestures of Passover) and other wheat-based products.  This is particularly helpful for me now since my bread and wheat-sugar-stuff eating has been getting gluttonous.  I notice my body doesn't do so well with so much wheat and certainly not well with daily consumption of sugary snacks, so I'm thankful for the bell that rings in my consciousness, signaled by the reminder note of Passover.  I see it as a time to focus inward on what it necessary for a clear passage into freedom and happiness.  I've been reaching outward to certain foods for comfort and sadly, these foods deplete my body of nutrient, store fat and suppress my feelings.  When I eat well, I feel better - I can comfort AND give goodness.  This is the interesting stuff of how the body and mind work together, how I can convince and justify for or against my body with food.  A little refined sugar/wheat here and there is fine, but having compulsive energy, sometimes a little bit turns into all the time for me.  At the very least, lets see what happens by abstaining for this week of Passover. 

This is what I work towards - to be able to access the full spectrum of emotions and to honor them rather than wish they were different.  To honor the fact that experience can conjure up such feelings, that we have the capacity to feel so strongly about something or someone, and then have a need to do something about it whether consciously or unconsciously aware.  It is my practice to discipline myself toward right action rather than harm to myself and/or others - ahimsa.  It's the gift of bhakti yoga, where the practice of devotion immerses us in the flow of all feelings.  It's the practice of asanas, where the moving body is the teacher for the racing mind, cleansing and purifying the whole body/mind connection so there can be a space of healing, a space of meditation.  It's the practice of yoga.  It's finding freedom, moving away from that which enslaves. It's Passover, wherever you are. Celebrate freedom!

 Amy and I got back this afternoon from a mini-retreat to the Headlands Center for the Arts in Sausalito, CA.  We planned this trip in order to work on our final details for our upcoming fundraiser on Monday and to further hash out ideas to take with us on our Berlin trip, which we depart for next Wednesday.  Busy week next week!  It seems our retreat adventure came and went in a flash and I can barely recall having been there.

The Headlands Art Center is the magical place that I came to in 1996 when I was awarded an Artist in Residence from Ohio for my performance and visual art work.  This place fills my whole self with a high that awakens my senses and memory of past years.  Whenever I come out here, I feel deeply connected back to those days and months when I had the opportunity to develop as a maturing artist (at the wee-age of 26).  I often think how incredible that time was for me, how honored I was to receive a 3-month residency.  I made my way from Cincinnati to Sausalito to be welcomed by a huge bedroom and one of the large studio spaces all to myself.  As Artists in Residence, we had dinner prepared by a chef 5-nights a week and the sprawling green hills of the Marin Headlands to call home for a while.  I remember being overwhelmed at first, sleeping on the floor of my studio for many days, not knowing what in the world to do with myself with so much time, space and no pressure to have to create.  Somedays, the 6:00 dinner time was the only plan I would have.  Thank goodness for that time!  What was I to do with all of this, especially when the intention of this residency wasn't to create anything but to be? - To take in the Headlands landscape, interact with the community of fellow International Artists in Residence and reside in the sanctuary of free space and time (Today that is heaven, back then it felt at first like a mini-hell!  I felt trapped by freedom).  Little did I realize, it was that exact recipe that inspired me to use the space and express my creativity in a way that I may never have realized.  It was a gift that took years for me to digest and really understand how to appreciate.  It helped me recognize that I have the ability to take things for granted and not even know how to appreciate them until the experience has passed.  What are other areas that I do that in my life?  I wonder why that is?  Or maybe I appreciated experiences as much as possible at a given time, and upon reflection, I can appreciate it even more since my life is so different today.  Meditate on that…..

When my residency ended, I went back to Cincinnati and I remember feeling strongly that it was time to leave, time to spread my wings...or simply it was time to change.  I had built a connection with Maura in NYC who was creating a dance company called, In Mixed Company, so after a week back, I moved up to NYC.   (I wrote about much of this story in a previous blog on a visit to NYC in February.)  After 6 months in NYC, I ended up back out here in the bay area after being asked and agreeing to join Joe Goode Performance Group.  It was meant for me to be out in the bay area for so many reasons.  Little would I learn that for my well-being, San Francisco was where I needed to be.  I was struggling with how to take care of myself in my mid to late twenties and it seemed that looking outside for happiness was the way to go, which kept me hunting for more and more places, people, things and ways to be happy.  I didn't want to be seen as weak so I hid my struggles, which created a Marc that I wanted others to see, and a Marc that no one could see - and one was constantly threatening the other.  I wasn't even clear which life was meant to prevail! I was most certainly trapped in a fiercely dualistic perspective, lost in looking outside of myself for answers, caught in black and white, winner and loser, right and wrong way, better and worse.

During my first couple of years here in SF, I was often complaining about the area, wondering if I was going to go back to NYC where so much more was "going on".  I wasn't sure if being here was gonna stick, if I could handle places closing at 9pm!  Was I gonna feel like an artist still, or was joining a dance company on the west coast selling out?  Was I killing my momentum around making my own work?  I remember back then, that I was feeling desperate to just be involved in making art because I was struggling to make ends meet.  Here was a steady dance job and I was gonna be able to live off of a salary, more or less.  I discovered after getting here that I would need to do other work to subsidize my dance work - welcome years of catering.  I discovered after some years, that this was the most perfect place I could have landed - personally, artistically, emotionally and spiritually.  Being in San Francisco, away from what felt like the drug of NYC (but really had nothing to do with NYC), I feel like I've been able to acknowledge and bring healing to the addictive ways of my being, the split-life persona, in order to find the truth of happiness within myself.  Yoga and meditation practice have been some of the important keys on this key-chain of healing.

So many times it has taken great reflection to be able to comprehend what was going on in my past years, to be able to appreciate the gifts in life.  Like untangling a string of knots and only then being able to appreciate beauty of the string.  I happen to actually love untying knots as a side note.  It takes patience, acceptance and discipline and whenever I do it, it brings a peacefulness…after some frustration and confusion usually, which I seem to be ok with going through.  It's an untying meditation….in many ways I'm sure.  Nowadays, I try my best to appreciate the moment right when it's happening.  I said to Amy on our way up, that I wanted to be sure and appreciate our time up there WHILE it happens, rather than wait some years and then look back and be able to recognize the coolness of this experience.  I want to be able to recognize and appreciate all of the love that I receive from so many people.

I do feel blessed to have been invited to present performance pieces out there over the years.  It was really the only place that I felt inspired and where I experienced a longing to make work.  Out at the HCA, I have felt more invested in process and true creative expression.  It has felt more authentic to me out there.  In recent years since I've stopped dancing, I've returned to paint and to have retreat experiences, like what Amy and I just experienced.  We used this time to focus on our current work with the company she founded - Amy Seiwert / im'ij-re.  So that's what brought us out again after our first visit together in 2008.  We got some work done these last few days, but I have to say the highlights for me were:  1. building little rock sculptures during the hike we took. 2. Singing various versions of the 12-days of Christmas but using our days at the Headlands as reference for the lyrics.  3.  Freeing a trapped bat in our house in the middle of the night.  4.  Seeing Headlands folk that I love.  It was a very short time, but the feelings last a while.  I like getting high on the Headlands.  I appreciate all that happened.  I do.

Tonight I taught yoga class at Studio Gracia.  Olivia has become my faithful student and I love teaching class to her.  We had the experience of practicing while set pieces were assembled and loaded onto a Uhaul for a couple locations of on-site work by LevyDance.  Many great sounds, footsteps and conversations filled our ears during class.  I encouraged Olivia to keep focus more on the music or her breath, and to pull back from the studio noises, the distraction - to bring her mind away from noise and to direct it to the calm.  I joked after practice that all of this was planned for her benefit - to test her strength of mental focus.  I believe this really was about all that and Olivia proved to know how to do that.  How great to have this challenge.  After class, I went to watch the work by LevyDance at Washington Park and Union Square.  It was a sweet night of seeing friends, witnessing beautiful art in public spaces and taking a break from all that I have going on.  The late bike ride home and the late night dinner weren't really what I was planning on, (let alone staying up to work on this blog), but it sure was a nice way to end my day.

I'm learning to love whatever my day brings…or to at least not take any moments for granted, any of them.  Any of them will change and become something else and I may even forget them...which I'm ok with. I'm so happy that I get high on life these days.  Sure better than anything else I've tried...and I've tried!

Part of my recent years' practice has been to recognize that I am not my thoughts or my feelings - a concept learned from various meditation practices, easier said than done. Thoughts and feelings do not define me, make up who I am or determine my value - that's my news on a good day.  On a tough day, I drown in my feelings and thoughts, attach intense meaning to them, and generally bounce back and forth between fear of going crazy and desire to close off from the world. At this moment, I see thoughts and feelings as a stream of energy that move me, move through me and I choose if I hang on to them or let them go, let them move down along the river of consciousness or fill like wading pools around parts of my body.  In the yoga nidra (deep relaxation) portion of hatha class, I enjoy making various references when speaking about the association with our thoughts.  One of my favorite ones came to me during my New Year's getaway to Half Moon Bay with Sara.  I was looking at the ocean waves crashing along the beach and paying attention to how expressive and dynamic the waves were as they crashed against the shore.  Then I looked a bit beyond to see the rippling waves, rolling, preparing to make their crash.  Then I looked beyond that and saw nearly still ocean waters, subtle ripples gliding across the ocean's surface.  Beyond that it seemed completely still.  And finally my eyes reached beyond that to the horizon line where the ocean and sky met.  I looked at that horizon line and my eyes watched the hugeness of the ocean and the bigness of the sky become one.  I got lost in it…….

From that experience, I drove into the city to teach my class at Integral Yoga and created a parallel with our thoughts - our thoughts being the crashing waves.  I guided the students to go beyond and see the rippling water where our thoughts prepare to be expressed.  To go beyond that to see the quiet waters and be with the stillness. Then to look further and further until I asked them to dissolve the horizon line between ocean and sky and to be there, where there are no thoughts and no reason.  Like the line from Rumi that my friend Estella has on her email signature right now:  "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and righting, there is a field. I will meet you there." -Rumi

When I get into that quiet space, I get to really move deeply into the question, "Who Am I" and I release myself from identifying on a small scale of big ego and open to the larger screen of consciousness.  I also have learned that part of how I get to answer this question is to feel my feelings deeply and to explore my thoughts thoughtfully. Referencing last week's blog, it's not a running away from what's there, but a running toward what's clear in order to have greater awareness. The key word for me is "clear". I must have clarity and be able to distinguish distraction from right-interaction in order to make progress on this journey of the self.  Otherwise, I'm practicing the art of denial, the skill of deception and the willfulness of my small self.  Distraction could range from eating and speaking poorly, to following even the most modest of destructive habitual patterns of body or mind. Transformation could range from creating quietness around physical and mental activities, changing careers in order to move to right-livelihood, to creating a new habit of arriving early for appointments.

When I practice yoga and mediation, I get to connect with the passing of so many thoughts and feelings and I learn to watch them pass by without the need to react or respond to them. As they arrive, within seconds new ones arrive. Sometimes I test this around craving and desire to see if these will pass.  And they do!  I get to ask myself what in me is calling for these things.  And what will I truly satisfy by giving what I'm asking. Thinking the action through…following the thought or feeling until it moves into another one…and then another.

Tonight I went to hear Julia Butterfly Hill speak about her experience in Luna, how she faced her fears and discovered her voice, how she stood up for what her heart called her to do. It was completely inspiring, empowering and sweet to see her again.  Talk about having lots of thoughts and feelings! What in the world would it be like to be in an ancient redwood tree for 738 days and become rooted in protecting nature and our relationship to it! She said that the overriding lesson she gained was to love - to have her heart burst open to the beauty and wonder of this gift we get to feel.  Now Love is one feeling that I'm ok with letting pool around my body!  Seeing her, listening, being in the crowd, I felt a lot of feelings, had a lot of thoughts - quite a few have stayed with me, including love for this life. I'll do my best to meditate on them and see where they want to go.  I feel excited and know that even these great, empowering feelings will pass.  If I'm not clear on my purpose on this planet, or at least in my community, I know that I could get anxious,  overwhelmed and feel stuck. I also know that trying to think about this too much this late at night isn't good for preparing for sleep! It's time to rest the mind and body and have a night mediation before bed.  Rest it all.  Rest it all.  Good thing the body gets exhausted and we have to sleep, let go of this world, where we can release our hold of our conscious thoughts and feelings for a while, opening the door to other worlds.  I'm ready to take my nightly vacation to the land of slumber. May there be love there and everywhere...

It was 24 years ago today that I returned from having run away from home. What a journey of journeys and particularly poignant having just returned from being in Cincinnati days ago. Running away unknowingly helped sprout a spiritual path at a fairly early age and I still reflect back on all that that was about - it was a significant marker in this lifetime, one that has helped me listen to my inner-most voice. I find that I still "run away" sometimes when I need space, when I feel overwhelmed with life and it takes the form of me backing away from people, places and things. The way I see it now, I'm running toward rather than away mostly. This just happened recently and rather than feeling the hopelessness around it like I once did, I recognize the desire to move toward truth and self-preservation - running toward clarity and open space. Last summer I ran toward a yoga teacher training in Yogaville where I was immersed in practice and ashram life for a month. I consciously took this month away from my phone, email and SF routine, allowing a break from life as I knew it.  I'd been wanting to do a teacher training but had always worried about cost, was this the right place to train, etc. It was a phenomenally healing time for me and in some ways I'm still returning. It created such a positive and powerful shift and I'm so grateful I took this leap of courage and faith. Some friends may not even recognize much change in me, some recognize it because I may not have made any or much contact with them still. I'm not afraid of making bold changes in my life in order to go deeper in my quest to know myself. I'm also not afraid to apologize and make changes again. I strive to find the best tools I can to make these changes and to do it more gracefully and thoughtfully in my life. I may not be there yet, but I keep arriving each day and today is a beautiful day.

Primarily, I ran away as a teenager because I came to terms with the fact that I was gay and that it wasn't going to change. I had been aware of feeling different since 3 or 4 years old. My mom tells of times when she'd come to pick me up from day care to find me all dressed up with wigs and dresses. She said she didn't shame me about it and just said, "Marc, it's time to go." I'm so grateful for her acceptance then and now. It reminds me of my cousin Krissy and her oldest son who at about age 3 came home one day and said he wanted a dress. His loving parents tried to work around what to do, but Zach was insistent. So they bought him a dress to wear around the house. That was a brief phase and wore off after a short time and I just love that they went with it rather than work to tell him this was wrong. I guess my phase didn't exactly wear off and that brings me back to my story. I'm very happy being who I am, I just think I was learning about gender and identity within a world that even as a youngster felt narrow and limited.

I didn't want to deal with the realization of my sexuality and running away was a solution and the initial part of a suicide plan. Like many teens who are without support and healthy guidance around sexuality let alone being gay, I felt lost, alone and worthless. Even though I had many friends, maintained nearly all A's in classes and had a place to express my artistic talents (SCPA), I didn't care. It all felt false. Nothing mattered because I saw that being gay was the worst thing possible and negated all other parts of myself.  This gay "part of me" was taking over and felt painfully real and shameful. I truly don't remember messages I got from my friends or family that being gay was awful, but more that that's the way that I judged it. Must have come from somewhere, I just don't remember. Having a negative take on the gay topic is much like what many people share, many who are afraid and otherwise ignorant to what it means to be gay and therefore feel better by disallowing equal rights, keeping gay people in the second-class or less category, scaring many to stay in the closet whether a young teen or a married adult on Wall Street. Maybe I just got it from our culture at large - not hard to receive it there. I've learned that a lot of us hide from all sorts of things because we fear something, maybe something that's not really scary or bad, but we've turned it into a monster, or someone told us it was a monster. I've run away many times in life to hide, only to turn back and see that I'm running and hiding from myself.

I've shared my story of running away as a 16-year old many times (therapeutic settings and with friends), and I often consider sharing it in larger contexts.  I often feel that sharing my story may be of service to other young gay teens in particular. And being of service is one of the greatest, most real actions that I've learned to take. 12-step recovery work guides us towards the 12th step which is all about service. Practicing and teaching yoga is service to myself and others in order to bring healing and peace within and around. I'm grateful to have these tools to help me dance freely through this miraculous lifetime. I'm grateful to have come back from running away, grateful to have safely made it through because so many don't. As my spiritual counselor from years back acknowledged, I got to choose to be here when I chose not to commit suicide. I choose to be here, for all the joys and sorrows of this life. They're here to teach me and us. May the teachings of life guide us to discover our true spirits before we believe life's lessons are our enemy and we strike to kill in all the creative ways we can whether with word, thought or action. With Shiva's help, may we destroy that part of our ego that is filled with ignorance but save the body, the sacred temple that houses our true nature until it's sweet resting time comes with our last blessed breath. Welcome back. Welcome home. Welcome spiritual practice.

On the plane now, heading back to San Francisco on this Valentine's day 2010. I'm suspended in deep thoughts, feeling gratitude for all the people in my life, feeling loved as I ride high in the clouds of these quiet skies. I have such a soft spot in my heart for Cincinnati and it's even softer after this visit. I'm basking in all the sweetness I experienced there. Being in the air, on a plane, is often an introspective experience. I often meditate, journal and stare out the window in amazement of this world, in awe of the way clouds look like fluffy snow or ocean waves or cotton balls - in awe of the world I get to see through my eyes. On occasion, I catch the plane movie (which sometimes is the only time I'll get caught up with the current major motion films), or I'll read or listen to music. Sometimes I have a book in my lap and I'll read a few pages then it shuts along with my eyes. Then I awake and read the same pages and drift again. I like to think that I'm digesting what I've read. In this case, I'm reading Swami Satchidananda's, "To Know Your Self." I like how it's organized in short sections on life's topics. Usually I can stay awake through several sections and truly need to take breaks to take it all in. Today's reading started with thoughts on family, which is just where I happen to be in the book…just where I happened to be in my thoughts.

Thankfully, I don't fly millions of miles a year, but I do easily get into the thousands which has been the case for much of my adult life. Previously it was for dance work, now for event work. I'm grateful for the opportunity to get to experience this. It's a huge carbon footprint and I'm still working on how I feel about that/what to do about that…Carbon emissions off-sets are the only thing that I know, but I honestly forget about it and need to admit that I can do better to remember.

Time with my parents helped me remember the importance of our relationship and I believe it also helped to establish a new connection of respect, appreciation and love. We're an odd bunch in some ways, but our bond is one of the truest ones I know. My mom in particular has been through so much and I am completely humbled by her. My step-dad (who I call dad) has also not had an easy journey and the laughter and joy that are so much a part of his nature testify this greater take he has on what life is about. It's nice to see him laughing again. My mom has a quieter, softer energy after recent changes to her health and it brings tears to my eyes to see her vulnerable little self being so meek and subdued along with the early stages of a hand tremor. I almost feel pain around how much I care for both of them and for the first time, I can say it's a bit hard to be so far away from them. I have longing to see my brother join in this family bonding and pray that whatever is needed will happen for our family.

Catching up on Friday where I left off on my previous blog entry:
I had a bit of time to chill and I went to Aquarius Star and Om Cafe to hang out. Since lunch with Alan didn't get to happen and after a mini-shopping spree at Park and Vine, I needed to eat. Donna had pointed this place out because it was a new spot for me. I walked in and recognized the guy behind the counter as a fellow DAAP student from years back. It was Lauren and we had fun remembering the old days and compared how we've traded places with our hair - he now has hair all the way down his back! He pointed out Lydia who owns the place and I knew I recognized her but it wasn't until we were staring each other in the face and straining to figure out how we knew each other did we burst into joy remembering that we worked together at Kaldi's coffeehouse years back. She owns Aquarius and has a 14-year old daughter who happened to be helping out that day and was my server. The place is airy and relaxing…which I took full advantage of for about 4-hours! I sat at one of the community tables to do emailing and work on blogging. I'm really getting into this! It's taken the place of my journal and I kinda like journaling this way. Not even sure how many people are reading this so I don't feel weird about it at this point. It's convenient and I like it.

After I ordered lunch, I called my biological father as I agreed to do after I reconnected with him by email before setting off for this February trip. We had been out of contact for almost 3 years and I've been planning to initiate contact for a while. Nothing bad had happened, we just fell out of touch when so much of my energy and Cincinnati visits were all about helping my mom and step-dad over the last couple of years. I had a slight resentment that I hadn't heard from him but since we barely have a relationship, it honestly would have been more odd if I would have heard from him. When I called from Aquarius, he said he was able to come meet me in 30 minutes. Wow, that's great! So I was happy to hang out and wait. There was another guy working at the community table and we ended up chatting a bit after I thanked him for the third time for watching my computer when I went away to go to the bathroom, talk on the phone and put more money in my parking meter. We had great conversation and he even ended up being a kind of "instant friend" who gave me support around my visit with my dad. So cool. I want to say, "only in the midwest", but I believe it can happen anywhere. My dad ended up running quite a bit late because he had to attend to some matters with his new status with his work as a doctor and biologist. These are relatively new adventures for him and I'll have to write later about how amazing my father is. His list of achievements/accomplishments is incredible, and he's very good about promoting that part of himself just to note. I think I could learn a thing or two from him. So for now, I'll just say that I'm impressed and happy that we're back in touch. He arrived and Lydia and Lauren also were there to greet my father and I felt totally supported and loved by how all of this happened so spontaneously. I can definitely say I was at the right place at the right time. Maybe moments like this can help teach me that EVERY moment, EVERY place puts us right where our life needs us to be. My father gave me a gift from Mieko, who I believe is still his EX-wife as of a few years back. I was happy to see that they are at least in close enough touch that I would get a present from her, through him. I called her later and it was so good to also be reconnected with her. I'll visit her next time I'm here and she said she wants to make me dinner…vegan I hope! Our visit had to end so I could get over to my mom and dad's for dinner. I went over and exchanged numbers with my new "instant friend" from the cafe and off my father and I went. We awkwardly said goodbye and it was good.

I popped right into Graeter's ice cream on Lydia's suggestion when I asked her where I could get a cake for my step-dad's birthday celebration happening within hours.  She pointed me right across the street and it all worked out great with Graeter's. Had cake, ice cream and candles and away I fled to Pleasant Ridge to their house. I was late but it all worked out for us and our dinner reservation at the Iron Horse in Glendale. To my surprise, there was a vegetarian dinner of "meat" balls and spaghetti! (meatballs were made from mushrooms, garbonzo beans, and other veggies) It was awesome! My mom even liked my dish more than hers. Go vegetarian mom! :) After we finished our dinner, I slyly snuck to the hostess stand and paid for the meal. It felt good to do even though I can't really afford to do this. One of the things my dad complained about when I was with him during my mom's health crisis was how he had paid for every meal and I never offered. It doesn't matter what I feel about that now, something in me just felt it was right to do in that moment and after all, it was his birthday dinner! We drove back home and celebrated with candles and all for his 64th birthday celebration. I can't even tell you when that happened last that we celebrated a birthday together. For this momentous occasion, I shared in eating some cake and even had a spoonful of the ice cream for old-times sake. :) Celebrations always help raise spirits and so this added nicely to our new place of relating with each other. My mom has always been quick to tears, but she was even more so that night. I love that about her and appreciate how she always shares her authentic self. It may be more tender these days, but even when she expressed it other ways, I always saw that she was being in her moment, hiding nothing for better or for worse. It was so hard to say good night and good bye to them that night, knowing I wasn't planning to visit again on this trip. But I said my goodbyes so I could have the chance to see Alan and Art that night.

Alan. We dated back during the days of my senior year in college and without going into it (which would be filled with things like how I yearned to feel the closeness with family like him, how afraid I was to love someone and express that, how exciting and passionate a relationship can be and how alive we are as simple, spiritual beings), I've had a wild and supremely significant relationship with him over the years. Since he's been with his partner Art, which has been something like 7+ years (?), we've landed in a place where we have great respect for each other and have built a friendship that goes straight to the heart. I really like Art and it's fun to see both of them. I met them at a downtown gay bar and it was fun seeing them and getting back in touch. It was brief and we didn't get to dive into too much heart-to-heart conversation, but it was perfect just the same.

Somewhere during the evening, Amy had texted me to let me know that bear-dog (the stray dog they look after who had been lost) had returned! Amy and Jay had been distraught over his disappearance during these cold, snowy days. Amy was so relieved and shared that when she and I had practiced yoga the morning before, that she had made a wish for his return. I was so happy to hear and let her know I had the same wish. When I got home, Amy met me on the porch so that bear-dog wouldn't be afraid of my entrance. He's nervous around anyone except Amy and Jay and it was so sweet to see this love they have for this sweet soul. I tried to pet him but the best I got was a sniff and curious but loving eyes. Better than I expected and I knew that we were good. I got home and Amy and I talked and ate late-night snacks until she cut me off saying I needed to get to sleep since I was teaching tomorrow morning! I could have stayed up all night just because of how cool it felt to be hanging out. It reminded me of our days on Main street (where we both lived for sometime) and how great it was to be neighbors and good pals all those years.

Morning came and we slurped down our Jay smoothies and headed to yoga. Another great class and great experience teaching. It was a nice gathering of people including a mini high-school class reunion of '88 with Melissa, Amy and Amy. And Melissa's oldest son Conner joined her as I hoped and he was so focused - he's a little yogi! Amy and I went to lunch at Melt and I got a rockin good vegan sandwich. Alena from back in the early SCPA and the only person whose phone number is the same and that I remember from way back then, showed up to join for a quick hello since she couldn't make it to class. I love Alena. It was worth it to see her even for those quick moments. If I was attached to having her stay longer, to her having been in class, to the class having been over-flowing with people, to us raising a certain amount of money to donate to Partners in Health, I would have suffered. And there was certainly a time when that could have been the case. With daily practice around letting go and creating more and more acceptance for what IS rather than what isn't, I found that I was filled only with happiness and delight. We raised about $200 over the 2-days at 3 legged dog yoga and that's success in my eyes. I look at it as being $200 more than what we had. And as a mastercard ad, it was priceless in how it brought us together to practice. Next time with more planning, I bet this can grow…and I'll get to check in on my attachments again!

I took Amy home and I shared with her how I wanted to visit my parents again. Even though I had already said goodbye, I felt a longing to see them again. She encouraged me to go and after a short break of catching up with some phone calls, I surprised them with a short visit. It was a perfect little visit and then I dashed off... I was able to get a hold of Ronnie and Dave (dated Ronnie back in my Cincinnati days) and was able to stop by and visit with their family. They have a 2-year old and another little one who's maybe 1 or almost 1…I forget. The little ones are soooo cute and I am so happy to see them. Ronnie and Dave moved into a phenomenal new home in Mt Lookout and so it wasn't too far of a zip from my parents house. I'm glad to still hold a connection with Ronnie after all these years and even though our connection amounts to visiting once a year and a christmas card that he sends, I feel deeply close. I learned so much from my early relationships and much of my art work dealt with processing my feelings and thoughts around my dating relationships. I feel blessed that there is peace and understanding and that we had that brief time together to date and get to know one another. There's a reason we get brought together with people and as one friend has shared, it's up to us to find out if it's for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

After this short hour-long visit, it was dinner time with Amy and Jay. Chef Jay made a brilliant gourmet Mexican meal from his new Mexican cookbooks. He's got an eye not only for choosing foods to prepare in a meal, but also for presentation. Amy, Jay and myself had a scrumptious meal and enjoyed the time together. I've known Amy since I was 11, and Jay only a relatively short time, but they feel like family for sure. The house next-door to them has been up for sale and I've joked how I'd like to buy it and be their neighbor. Or even have it as my "Cincinnati home". OMG, can you imagine? That's crackers on so many levels, yet makes complete sense to me on other levels…like the fact that the price is what you would pay for a garage in SF! Who knows what may come of ideas like this?! All I know is that I love imagining being close to them and know that the feelings I have for them is real and strong.

On the final note for the night, Amy and I did a rushed job of kitchen clean-up and jumped into my rental car to get to the Performance and Time Arts series at Contemporary Dance Theatre. I wanted to go mostly to get to see Jefferson - director of CDT and mentor from my Cincinnati dancing days, but also thought it would be a fun event to see with Amy. We got there just as the show was getting started, tip-toeing alongside the stage as the MC's were announcing the program. At the conclusion of the announcements from the stage, long-time local dancer/choreographer Judith pointed me out and gave me an amazingly sweet gesture of honor. Her co-MC Shirley bowed with an exuberant gesture when she discovered I was there and I was instantly re-bonded with my fellow Cincinnati modern dance community. Wow. I think I forgot how much this all meant to me, to all of us to have these experiences together. It's golden. I'm so glad I was there. As I watched the talented performers on the program that night, I felt a longing to make work. Hadn't felt that in a while. "Is it something about the space, the energy," Amy asked? Probably. I don't have this longing to make work in SF, but it certainly rushed through me last night. Breathe in, breathe out…see what it's all about.

We got home in time to join Jay who had watched a documentary on Soul Train. We got to watch some footage and it was heaven! I love that time, the clothing, the moves!! I drifted off to sleep at some point having spent every bit of energy I could that day. Off to sleep for my final night on this trip in the cozy home of Amy and Jay, the cozy even though very cold city of Cincinnati where my aging parents have shown me how love conquers all. I am blessed with this history of having grown up in this place that somehow still lives so strongly in my heart…and appears to be strong for others as well. Is this unusual or just how it is? I guess all that matters is that it is.

I've spent a long time writing this and I'm now back in San Francisco in my local coffeehouse having just had dinner. I feel like I'm back home and at the same time I'm not sure where I am… I remind myself that I'm right where I need to be, and that's enough for now. I'm grateful to have been able to take this time, to have the funds and interest in taking a trip like this. I'm grateful for all the love in my life and for having a heart that has the capacity to love so much and receive so much love. This has been the most meaningful Valentine's day ever. Happy Day of Hearts to All.

Ok, so not sure those words go together all that well in the larger sense at this moment, but I will say that I'm impressed with what I've seen here. Certainly, I'm gravitating to friends, shops and restaurants that offer a green lens to see this city, or at the very least friends who talk about sustainability even if by way of poking fun at it (I know that means they want to know more:). There is a strong sense of community and interest in the eco-trends. The old joke about Cincinnati not being aware that the world ended until 5 years after it happened doesn't match up for the moment…well, at lease not in all areas. In recent years, I have to admit that I've noticed myself being curious about this city, what would life be like to live here again? uh…..maybe I'll come back to that later on another blog, not gonna entertain that quite yet.

My time here has been gratifying. I'm happy to come back to this place that's filled with great memories. As I mentioned in my "Winter wonder-land" blog of how I view my parents with love today, much of how I view my past comes through me with a new perspective. The events haven't changed, but how I view them has. I've learned how to transform the painful memories into gifts of life experience by practicing peaceful acceptance. I've learned how to build from the difficult times in order to develop deeper compassion for myself and others. So much so that I wouldn't want to change any detail. And then all the wonderful memories become that much more sweet.

The yoga class on Wednesday night in Westchester at Sonya's studio was perfect. Not a huge turnout up in this area (a bit far to travel for most with the recent snow) but the group that night, mostly Pilates instructors, were very open and interested to have this experience. Sonya and I went out for dinner afterwards to Wild Ginger, a Thai restaurant in Madisonville/Hyde Park area where she lives. We closed the place down and got to enjoy the burning bleach mop aroma and artfully stacked chairs-on-tables sculptures. Even a warm thank you from the manager who asked if we would like to box up our left-overs with the vibe of "it's time to go now." Our server was great though, never giving the slightest message that he wanted us to leave. We had a good time catching up which happens so easily with Sonya. We haven't seen each other in a couple of years and it feels like we're picking up where we left off. I've always seen Sonya as someone with a gentle strength that guides her to express her truest self. She was in a relationship with a woman some years ago having never even entertained that before. (We didn't catch up on relationship news so we'll have to do that next time.)  She brought a new kind of experience to Over the Rhine when she opened Kaldi's Coffehouse and Used Bookstore with Mike back in 1991 and now is a Pilates instructor and studio owner. Courage, transformation and grace come to mind.

Thursday was a cool day. After my hatha practice and yummy vegan protein smoothie by Jay (Jay makes smoothies for himself and Amy everyday and while I'm there I get to share in this ritual…it's so nice!!) I went to have lunch with high-school pal Melissa at Myra's Dionysis - a delicious, vegetarian/vegan-friendly restaurant in Clifton. It was there when I lived here and now owned by another high-school pal, Mallory. I was hoping to catch up with Melissa and her family of 4 kids and husband Tim, but we couldn't work out my schedule with her amazingly full schedule of events for her kids, so she and I got to have a one-on-one lunch together. We had a blast and caught each other up with all of our latest news. I always get to hear about each of her sisters, including Becky who's been on and off a soap-opera show for some years. Melissa and I share right from the heart, from the difficult matters around our lives to the incredible joys we're experiencing. She is a touchstone for sure with our 25+ years of knowing one another. After a tasty lunch, we took a quick trip downtown to look at the new SCPA building opening this Fall as the highly anticipated new location for our old stomping grounds. I felt like we could have spent the whole day together but she had to return to work, and I was meeting friend Andy for a second lunch in moments! Melissa and I parted and hopefully I'll see her again Saturday morning for yoga. I encouraged her to bring her eldest son, Conner for class too.

Andy is an SF friend who's currently in Dayton with his girlfriend Jannelly, finishing up some loose-ends with some property there. He's been up there for some months and when I told him I'd be in town, he was excited to have a chance to leave Dayton and connect with an SF friend. We had a great, jam-packed visit. We drove around and I proudly gave him a very brief tour of the city and then we stopped for lunch at the Iris bookstore cafe, owned by former Kaldi's co-owner Mike - the grey-bearded character who cares more about books and the beatnik years than anything of this era. He shared with Andy and I the progress of his new venture which is a record/movie rental/old movie poster shop with a basement for showing movies, live music and theatre workshops. Talk about reduce, reuse, recycle - Mike's on the cutting edge because he's lost in time…in the best possible way. Mike once bought a used car that was shared between him, Ken (co-worker from back in the Kaldi's days...where is Ken?) and myself. I think I used it the most until it got towed away for having too many parking tickets and then because of how much it would cost to get the car back, we just left it. I was a little irresponsible back then. :-/ I feel a family connection of sorts with Mike and have always appreciated his trust and respect for me...I think that's what it is!

Next was yoga at the 3 legged dog yoga collective owned by Donna. I know Donna from Cincinnati days. She performed in my senior college thesis - a performance-art project which might have really only been recognized by myself as my final project since I was in visual art school and a painting and drawing major. Donna moved to SF, moved back to Cincinnati, came back to SF, and now back. I think I understand how that can happen..... Now that she's back, she's opened her own yoga studio. I taught to a cool crew of folks, mostly Donna's students and it was invigorating. Andy stayed to take class before heading back to Dayton and he shared how much he enjoyed the class. And when he shared, we both felt our eyes tearing with good feeling. I was touched and honored. I definitely enjoy sharing all that I've learned. And it's not just what I've learned in yoga training and classes, but from dancing, from painting, from laughing and crying, from everyone I know and every place I've visited. I can feel how it all channels through me. It's one of those experiences that happens nearly effortless and energizes me after.

I made a stop to visit my parents this morning at their home. I laughed with them more than I have in years - an amazing thing to experience and share with them after so many stressful times of late. It was a short visit so that I could try and catch lunch with Alan. It was hard to make such a short visit with my parents so I missed lunch with Alan since he only had a quick hour to meet before a work meeting. I figured I could take this time to go visit an all-vegan shop called "Park and Vine" that I learned about through yoga-friend Donna. College friend Danny owns it and Donna said I should check it out. Danny, whom I knew as Dan-o back in my UC DAAP days when I was a Planning and Design major, has gathered a nice collection of eco-items ranging from clothing and babycare, to house paint and cleaning goods. There's an area for vegan foods made locally including a local coffee roaster named OTR (Over the Rhine). I met the owner while in line to pay as he was in to pick up lunch with his little daughter. I haven't been a coffee drinker for many years but I said I'm sure his coffee is really good! Geesh, what else do you say? Danny's managed to get a huge array of things in one shop and it looks like it's going well. I bought a good handful of stuff including a t-shirt that says, "Make love, not bacon!" Their latest design. Happy to support the local movement!

I drove up Vine street to head to Clifton for lunch. Figured I'd go check out Aquarius Star and Om Cafe on Ludlow Street and get started on this blog entry. It was a great place. I'll have to share the details later…gotta get to sleep. I'll get to share about long-lost friends, a new friend and having a visit with my biological father. Then there's the events of the evening and getting to bed at 2am! Oh yeah, and at some point I'll get some pictures up...

This is a whole different world I've landed in. Not just because it's Cincinnati, OH :). Aside from the little chirping birds in the yard that are being fed and looked after by my animal loving friends Amy and Jay, it's quiet, serene and completely covered in white outside on their street. I'm staying here with my high-school friend Amy and her husband Jay at their home in Clifton where a wild dog and black cat are offered food even though at the moment they're not sure where they are. Their affection for animals is so sweet, their devotion is strong and pure - it's their practice of bhakti yoga! I love their spacious and cozy house and the loving feel of their home. It's awesome to connect with them again having been here back in August for a summer visit. We watched "The Fountain" last night starring Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz, and Ellen Burstyn. It reflected on the journey of going backwards in time to find peace with the present. It was a cool movie. Perfect timing for me to ponder as I land here, the place that lives somewhere back in my mind's time as a reflection of my present.

Just spent time having lunch and mall walking with my parents where my hatha practice this morning got to be practiced off the mat while with them: compassion, acceptance, right-challenge and letting go, all to focus on peace and away from war. We're working on re-relating after some difficult times and it's a gift really. As many families, we've been through a lot, made it through a lot, and love one another a lot. I feel like this is where I learn the most about myself - through my interaction with my family. And I'm not saying it's been a bed of roses or even a bed of nails…well maybe it's been both and everything in between. I'm grateful for my family being exactly the family that I have. And maybe I would say I'm even more grateful for the therapy, recovery work and yoga practices I've learned to include in my life. It feels like lifetimes of lessons with them are now catching up to enable greater wisdom between all of us, greater awareness and deeper love.  Time moves more slowly when with them, in part because they are physically slower now, but also the sense of time just feels different. I notice my breathing and how well I'm listening to them.  Not just their words, but their energy, their mood. How am I being with them? How does this practice ensure that I'm bringing myself forward, while being mindful of their needs and wishes?

My mom shares that she desires more social interaction, more connection with people - a common theme for some years. She shares her desire to be happier. I offer suggestions to her keeping my dad in mind (who expresses that he doesn't feel this need) and without being preachy which I may have done in past years. I do my best to hear what she is saying, what she means. As I have done more recently, I remind myself that there is nothing to fix here, just for me to listen and then speak mindfully and spaciously if I feel sincerely moved. I am blessed by witnessing her passion for life, her interest in seeking out her best self. From my dad I've learned about dedication, loyalty and contentment through simplicity. I've gained this appreciation having previously cursed these things about them, maybe because I couldn't see them for who they are, who we are as a family. I wish my brother could be here too. Growing up and doing the healing work I've done has offered me a translation of my childhood that I otherwise kept suspended in frustration and resentment. It could have been worse, it could have been better...but that's almost always the case with things, right? There were other things talked about such as how my brother Steve is doing, how high-fructose corn syrup would be good to be avoided and hellos to their indoor, pet birds. We had a good time being with one another. I felt peace. We had our lunch at Ruby Tuesdays because my dad remembered they have a veggie burger and salad bar there. Thanks dad. And being that we're in the mid-west, it's an "Endless salad bar" and I get "Endless french fries" with my veggie burger minis.

I'm working on plans for the rest of my days and preparing for yoga class tonight at Sonya's studio. The snow has been only moderately challenging and mostly beautiful. We'll see who chooses to brave the weather, brave the yoga. Then I'll get to hang out with Sonya for dinner. She was my boss at Kaldi's Coffeehouse and Bar down on Main Street from 1991-1996. Kaldi's has closed its doors but will always be remembered as one of the coolest spots in Cincinnati where I got to bar manage and hone my barista skills. It seems I mostly remember the wonderland of Cincinnati on recent visits and the amazing people that are here. Sure there were some rough times, but why carry that around? Take what you want, leave the rest.

Monday morning, upper west side Manhattan.  The big snow storm didn't quite make it into the city but it's plenty cold just the same. I've been enjoying the crisp, icy weather and somehow surviving without gloves. It's always sweet coming back here, staying exactly in the place I lived over 13 years ago with my soul-sister Maura and whomever else was living there at the time.  I remember the place always being filled with family members and friends, at least 4-6 people living there most of the time. Instead of drunk, disco-ball parties and dancing to Madonna, now there's Maura and Perry's new little family: 5-year old daughter Sasa and 3-year old son Jet. When I arrived this trip and opened the front door, Sasa and Jet ran to me yelling, "Maaaaaaarrrrc!" They've won my heart even more. Maura's teaching in the dance department at Hunter College and I was able to jump right over to catch her faculty concert that opened the night of my arrival. When I see her perform (and Brian who was in the piece), I want to dance again. I want to dance with them. Perry's thriving with his hand-made Shakuhachi business and I'm thinking about getting a flute and learning. Within minutes of seeing all of them, I can see they're doing great as always.

Ever since making contact with Maura while she was on tour with Chen and Dancers in Cincinnati in 1993, she and I have cultivated a kind of brother-sister bond that feels truly blood-deep to me. I've learned so much from our relationship and all the people I've met from meeting her - her entire family, fellow dancers/performers and friends. It was with her that I learned how to embrace being hapa - Hawaiian word meaning half-Asian. Maura created a performance company called, "In Mixed Company" around 1993 and she has utilized this as a pathway to explore and converse about being hapa. What a gift to have been part of ALL of that. Leaving was hard to do back in 1996, but it was a leap of faith that led to other great things. I learned that we're always missing out on something, even amazing, unique, unbelievably irreplaceable somethings. But we're always also getting to experience something. Rather than compare and despair, I'm learning more and more that it all adds up to make the gift of being here all worth while. When I forget that and get all resentful and full of regret, it's a sign that I need to quiet my mind and listen to my heart. I need to look around and see what is more than I spend time on what isn't. right?

I looked up classes at the NY Integral Yoga when I got here and found that Swami Divyananda was teaching several workshops over my dates here. Swami D (not sure she knows I refer to her that way) was the main teacher during my yoga teacher training in Yogaville and she resided at the SF IYI for a handful of months after that month-long training. I feel a sweet bond with her and made my way over to the NY IYI to surprise her. We connected in her cozy living space where she was preparing to lead a meditation workshop and ironing her clothes. I got to hear of her recent trip to India and shared about my recent trips of my mind. Then with only a handful of minutes to spare, she made a few brief swipes with the iron to get the important areas pressed, dressed and walked slowly, meditatively down the steps to make it a minute before her class. I witnessed how these moments wove together effortlessly for her. Nothing needed to be rushed or regarded as more important than the other. At least that's how it felt and I walked away feeling honored and humbled at the same time.

The next day I took her workshop, "What is the Meaning of Life" which friend Alex joined me, who also took the teacher training with Swami D and happens to be a student at Hunter College where Maura teaches. This commonly pondered question of life's meaning is helpful to come back to time and again for me. We did writing exercises to look into our core beliefs and what we dream to experience. We looked at our obstacles: Perfectionism, Inertia, Procrastination, Self-sabotage and Fear then shared in pairs. This was an empowering day and sweetened by Swami D's presence. It grounded me in my meaning. Afterwards, I took a hatha class with friend and teacher Jennifer I met here last year. We grabbed a bite across the street at the Japanese restaurant and I learned of a new Japanese seaweed tea called, konbucha (not kombucha). It was more like a salty broth than a tea - I liked it but maybe just because it was a warm beverage! Then we headed over to the Brooklyn Art Museum for their monthly first-Saturday party and got to shake our yoga booties. The train ride over was filled with hipsters heading to the same place. It was an energizing night filled with all ages, colors and fashion statements. uh huh.

Sunday morning started with a stop at church - The Middleton congregation where my beautiful friend Jen was singing her heart out from the choir - one of her dreams-come-true. We danced together in the JGPG family back-in-the-day and bonded around the ups, downs and all arounds of this life together. Our long-distance friendship continues to be a sweet experience even as infrequently as it is that we physically connect. A quick jump back to Friday night: Jen and I caught Young Jean Lee's new play, "Lear" playing at SOHO Rep on her recommendation. It hit the spot as it brought out the Shakespearean story with a satisfying twist, pointing at dark family hatred and then dramatically switching gears around mid-play to ask if we the audience were where we wanted to be. Even saying we could leave if we wanted. A perfect lead-in for my Saturday workshop: "What is the meaning of Life!" I reflected on my upcoming visit to my parents and had my father and I not had the recent resolve, I would likely have been in pain and tears during an amazing scene speaking about a strained father-son relationship. Instead, I felt huge gratitude for the road we've walked as a family. Jen and I went out for dinner at Souen after, one of my favorite vegan restaurants.  We dove into conversations to catch each other up, which always is filled with huge laughter, tender tears and a reminder of how much we mean to each other.

Ok, back to Sunday morning:  During the morning service, the minister directed us to say hello to our neighbors and within a couple of sentences, I learned that the guy next to me was also from Cincinnati! We didn't directly know each other but I'm sure if we would have kept chatting, we would have found some friends in common. Small beautiful world. The sermon was entertaining and deep as the topic of race and racism was spoken about, in honor of Black History month. A black woman and a white man, both of whom are ministers of the church, had us laughing, had us in deep thought, and expressed the importance of finding greater compassion and truth in our speech. A gift to be there when all I had planned was to smile across the way at Jen when she sang (which we did). Good times with Jen.

Next I met up with Maura and the extended NYC family at a dim sum restaurant in Chinatown. We were 2 round tables of adults, little ones (including Peggy's little Nissa and adorable new little baby) and one of Maura's friends who's got one on the way, like any day it looked like! We had a delicious feast and I only made one comment about the meat when I said that the sound of the sizzling ribs was the sound of the ribs crying. I'm actually not an annoying, didactic vegan (am I?), but I do like to have fun with meat-eaters. I mean, shouldn't someone be speaking up on behalf of the animals who can no longer speak?! :)

The sun was out that afternoon so we went across the street to the park so the kids could play. It was warm in the sun yet the kids kept playing in the freezing shade. We all recognized how powerful the mind is that when so focused (on play in this instance), you can forget about something as tangible as being cold. I got to catch up with Peggy's husband Chris who's a writer and working on a book with a wealthy man who found yoga and is now all about yoga. This man was a heavy drug-user and found a new calling in yoga practice. The book's premise is that the riches found within oneself will lead to whatever riches one seeks outside him/herself. Key word I think is "seeks." What do you seek/want? What is the meaning of life? Law of attraction, etc. Chris seems curious to dive into yoga and it was cool to talk with him about that.

My friend Renee was able to meet for a bit so afterward I went to Columbus Circle and we hung out at the Dean and Duluca cafe in the Barnes and Noble Bookstore. They used to make cayenne ginger snaps at their SOHO shop when I lived here in 96 and I was hooked on them. They've stopped making them but my mouth still waters when I see the store. Renee and I got into deep discussion about spirituality and buddhism and talked about who we are if we're not dancing. I've been walking this conversation for over 5 years now, and I hear Renee who's landed her broadway dreams, starting to ask these questions more seriously. She's been dancing since she was 8 and looking at her 41-years and a beautiful yet moderately injured body to speak for it.  She's a natural teacher and choreographer and I can totally see her inspiring young dancers. I was in her first modern piece she choreographed back in our SCPA days and even then she was fierce! It's a transition that we all knew would be inevitable but not easy to digest when the time nears. I shared with her about the Meaning Life workshop I had just taken and we spent several hours being open and heart to heart. When I looked over at her, I got to see a little girl who turned into an amazing woman. Life is most definitely a gift and we just need to remind each other often how great each other is. We do enough to ourselves to remind us how much we haven't done or why we're not enough…at least I can get into that.

I'm heading back to the NY IYI to meet college friend Carrie for class. We had been out of touch until meeting back unexpectedly at the yoga teacher training in Yogaville. I'll be leaving NYC tomorrow afternoon, heading to Cincinnati. Another cold visit to a warm place in my heart. Peace out.

Addendum:
So days have passed but I wanted to include a few items I left out. One was a visit to the MOMA to catch the Tim Burton exhibit with Maura, Sasa, Jet, sister Eirene and her husband Brad on Saturday morning. It was a fun time especially getting to see it through the eyes of Sasa and Jet. They're so much fun! It was cool to see Burton's world exploded on walls, sculptures and video. He liked the play between the dark, shadowy parts of the psyche and the playful, non-sensical humor - it seems to be his way of diving into the creative realm of spirit. It gave me the perspective of how we can channel spirit in whatever way we choose to express ourselves in the world. How am I expressing mine these days?

After the hatha class with Carrie on Monday, we had an amazing dinner at my NEW favorite vegan restaurant, Angelica Kitchen. I'd heard about it but hadn't been yet. It was a warm and cozy place and our food was yummy. Carrie and I talked about our latest news, and about garbage, literally about garbage as she's been thinking of how she can do some community awareness work around properly collecting garbage in order to improve awareness with recycling, composting and what goes in landfills. Imagine being able to get excited about things like garbage. I shared that I was approached by the Engage Network around a project related to this, and we had fun imagining what could be done. You may think we're all just full of rubbish...and you're partly right! What are you full of? Where does your rubbish go? "Where is away?" as my friend Julia wants to challenge us with.

Later that night, I met up with Mathieu who I know from the Rolling Stones travel package coordination work I do with Fan Asylum. He's been a guest and is a musician himself and we've kept in touch here and there through the last few years. We met up in the hotel lobby bar of the ACE hotel, where I got to stay on my last night to scope out the property for possible booking for future packages in NYC. Great hotel btw! Mathieu and I chatted up our latest and it was touching to hear of his journey around relationships, his compassionate view of life and interest to live simply, maybe settle one day in his get-away world of Brasil. We've never had this extensive of conversation and it was really cool to share this time with him. It reminds me how we never know what purpose our connections may have, how much more alike we are than different as people, and how good it is to be a traveler of the world. Mathieu lives between NYC, Paris and Brasil and in my eyes, lives a blessed life. Yes, filled with angst at times, but hey - he's a musician! He needs it! love you Mathieu. :)

New class starts today at Studio Gracia here in SF! - Wed 5-6:30pm - Mixed level.  Come and join the practice today, just for today.  It doesn't have to be any bigger of a commitment than that. I just added a new tab to report Special news since I've got some!! I'll be in Cincinnati for a handful of days and I'm teaching classes there, offering the donations received to Partners in Health for Haiti relief efforts.  Past years I've gone back to teach dance classes, and now I'm bringing my yoga practice.  Feels good.  Check it out. Also making a visit to NYC to visit  my NYC dance family who span my Cincinnati, NY and SF dancing days. Only my Thursday classes will be canceled during my away times.  Great substitute teachers will be in place for the Wednesday and Saturday classes here in SF!
- Save space and time for your practice, whatever it may be.  You'll become that practice, with practice.

yogamukunda.com is born again! It's been a fun journey learning how to create this site...sometimes "fun" like obsessive-fanatical-perfectionist fun...or "hey I need help (roommate) Gary!" kind of fun... It may evolve more over time, but that's how it ALL works.  It's all yoga. Will I get into it and be able to maintain a blog? Will this be interesting for others to read and even turn into a strange world where I share about my life's unfolding as it relates to yoga?! Can I keep it simple and experience the joy of the internet? My brother Steve has talked about blogging for several years and I wasn't able to get into it...and NOW here I am...blogging with a website! Thanks, Stevebro. :) Namaste.
-The point of departure mirrors the point of arrival, so here I am and all is fine.