<![CDATA[ - Blog]]>Sun, 13 May 2012 17:15:00 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[My Liver is Alive and Angry!]]>Sun, 26 Feb 2012 19:36:36 -0800http://www.yogamukunda.com/1/post/2012/02/my-liver-is-alive-and-angry.htmlI arrive early and head to the 3rd floor -- Dr. Jialing Wu's office.  It's been about 4 years since I was last there but somehow I remember it as if I've been there a hundred times.  I walk the hallway around and head into the modest waiting room for my appointment.  I sit patiently, resisting the urge to straighten her wall of diplomas and plaques and I can hear that she's with another client.  My eyes roam around and my sense is that everything is just as it was when I was there years ago, including the tilted frames.  I sit there with a smile on my face, feeling happy to be there early as a change to my usual always-running-late habit.  I'm filled with hopes of another miracle of healing and grateful that I took this initiative to do some self-care.  Eight minutes later, it's my time to talk with Dr. Wu and I'm welcomed into her office by the receptionist.  I sit across from Dr. Wu's big wooden desk and we catch up with a friendly, yet concise conversation since my last visits and get right to the topic at hand - my itchy, puffy, irritated left eye-lid.  I sit down, roll up my sleeve and offer my wrist so she can check my pulse.  She has her yellow notepad and she writes some info in Chinese.  She tests a few spots on my wrist so she can read enough to give her assessment.  I'm a bit nervous but also excited to hear some news that will help me.  She says there's heat in my liver.  Sounds like a good Chinese medicine comment I thought.  Then she asks with soft eyes, "are you angry?".  Dum de dum, dum de WHAT?! And then there was silence.  Did she just ask me if I'm angry?  I'm sure that's what my eyes said back to her at first as well.  My eyes close for a moment to go inside and check with the gate keeper as to whether I'm allowed to answer this question or not.  Without waiting for the answer, I open my eyes and my gaze drops into hers, almost to arrive at her level of sincerity and frankness, and the truth of the moment strikes me and I settle into the moment with her to realize we're gonna go there.  I feel that her question is really more of a statement than a question, as if she is helping me verbalize this so I can come to understand myself better, the self that is holding back from acknowledging anger.  And then with confidence, I announce, "Yes!  I am angry!"  I didn't say it WITH anger, but I was able to say it with certainty and to claim it as true, to release the words and pop the cork!  Like how the yoga sutras of Patanjali starts off with a powerful feeling of initiation:  NOW the exposition of yoga is being made.  Only it was:  NOW Marc is ready to talk about his anger!

My default answer in some other situation might have been "no, I don't feel angry.  I'm not angry, just have a lot going on."  See, anger is for angry people.  I'm a NICE person and work hard to be that way, to be perceived that way.  So in that moment, the record scratched, the music of habit stopped, and I sat with my naked reality ready to surrender to anger being part of my diagnosis.  See, the thing is - I trust Dr. Wu.  She is the healer that I worked with to clear eczema from the back of my knee almost 4 years ago.  It wasn't the same method of connecting an emotional relationship to my eczema which I'd say is why I felt unprepared this time, but it was a shift in my world which initiated a huge change in life perspective for me.  Eczema has been on parts of my body since childhood, and a patch behind my knee had remained.  This vulnerable, hiding, back-o-the knee patch was a persistent rash that had been with me for decades on and off.  I resorted to many ways of coping with it from a dedicated practice of meditation to a crazy, clever wrap that was to prevent me from scratching in the middle of the night - my most difficult times to avoid scratching.  Somehow I came up with the idea of rubbing vaseline (petroleum jelly?!?! - I was unawares back then: http://greenandchic.com/blog/petroleum-jelly-possible-cancer-risk) all over the back of my knee then wrapping it with plastic (polyethylene!!!)  then wrapping a thick layer of fabric tied in a knot so I couldn't get to it while in my sleepy state.  It worked for some weeks, until I got more clever in my sleep and I figured out how to untie and unwrap this complicated contraption.  It was like an addict trying to get to the drug - must SCRATCH!!  Crazy to think about that ritual I would do before bed, hoping that I wouldn't scratch my skin raw overnight.  It was like the back of my knee was angry and I fought a war with it and lost nearly every morning, all the detritus of the battle strewn around my bed.

I can barely believe I went through all of that years ago to deal with this persistent itch!  It possessed me and taught me a lot about my mind and body connection.  It was a kind of yoga in a way, a battle with myself where I learned about acceptance and compassion.  I even became willing to live with it until something clicked and I came to believe that something could actually change this relationship and I could be without this persistent itch.  It even made its way into performance work during my years with Joe Goode Performance Group.  Joe guided us on a journey to understand the wisdom stored in our bodies in the piece, "What the Body Knows."  It was a BIG topic for me and related to other experiences in life, particularly addiction (the itch = the craving).  I'm grateful to have found resolution for that patch of eczema and that patch of an addictive cycle that had been quietly consuming my life.  I'm grateful that I felt safe to talk about it and to trust the unfolding of satya - truth.  The work came during my first months of my recovery and it was a powerful time.  I'm grateful that Joe guided us into that work which offered me space for creative healing.  There are still layers of all unfolding, still skin to shed and layers to peel away for sometime, but that was an acute period of releasing pain and suffering.  I do believe that all of  that happened to strengthen me in a way and I know for sure it was there as a messenger for my health and wellness, helping heal my relationship with myself and with others.  I might even say it helped me learn about peace and compassion in the face, or knee of anger.  :)  I can say with certainty that it all helped deepen my practice with recognizing yoga as more than simply a physical practice.

So back to Dr. Wu and the heat in my liver.  Heat can cause irritation and be a sign of unexpressed anger, so that's where her question stemmed from.  Little bit of connecting-the-dots via left field even for me, but Chinese medicine makes more and more sense as I benefit from it and hear the same from others.  In eastern philosophy - acupuncture, like yoga, recognizes that we must bring healing and stability to the body in order to establish a strong body-mind-spirit/breath connection (I added "breath" as synonymous with spirit to emphasize the power of breath and to simplify the magnitude of what I recognize as spirit.).  I've learned that my body has a lot to teach me when I'm open and available to listen. The way I see it, the body is speaking to us and has a direct relationship with our environment, and our environment triggers at least some portion of the way that we perceive and think.  Just look at the contrast with our grandparents who grew up without a phone and how today even 10 year olds go to school with a cell phone!!  Different way of relating to time and connection with people and planet.  Or say your brother grew up in Calcutta while you grew up in Cincinnati - these worldviews and sense of self would be very different even though you're from the same parents.  How we relate to the world we know directly affects our body which in turn directly affects our health and well-being.  Inversely, how we relate to our body directly affects our relationship to our world and directs that way we take care of ourselves - at least I can say that's been my experience.  What we eat, how we connect with each other, how we breathe, WHAT we breathe, what we believe or don't believe, designs the relationship of body with environment, mind with body and environment with mind.  Can be complicated so I rely on a specialist who can HEAR this connection and help me understand it.  This body-mind-spirit connection expresses itself as one entity but often I'm separating this harmonious trio because my mind thinks there's good reason for it.  That's why a practice of yoga, or union, is so important to help open my hands and heart to be able to hold all as one.  I think this might be similar to parents who have a handful of children and they do their best to keep balance with equal yet distinctly unique care for each of them.  Certainly not easy but possible to keep connection with all of them in some capacity at the very least.  And some may need more care than others at times.  But hopefully, none are forgotten! 

There was a lot of anger in my family all growing up - biological parents as well as at home with my mom, step-dad and brother that I grew up with.  Whether as outbursts through yelling and jabbing criticisms all the way to the passive-aggressive and silent treatments (mostly my style of expressing anger inwardly), anger was a dominant emotion that I recall.  Thankfully the anger didn't result in the physical form of abuse as far as I'm aware of between my family members.  But it was such a strong element of interaction that I often wished that I wasn't there and not part of this family.  And in many ways, I wasn't there.  Thanks to being brought into the Creative and Performing Arts School family since age 12, I was able to throw myself into rehearsals and after-school activities that kept me where I wanted to be - away from home and with a huge family that I considered to be more like me.  I AM deeply grateful for my family and my home, and that at this point in my life I wouldn't want to change a single thing.  I had my own big room, clothing, food, cozy warm home, parents who supported their artistic and distant son, a brother who tried to connect with me but often received a cold shoulder, etc.  Maybe my childhood wasn't anything out of the ordinary, maybe it was.  It was mostly that I wasn't able to make the connection that I longed to make within the dynamic of my home family.  No one's fault per se, just the way things were.  I remember seeing this anger expressed with such rawness to other people whether at my school, to friends, to servers in restaurants and of course to my other family members, that I must have made some kind of vow that I would never express that kind of emotion to others.  I saw too much pain from it and I didn't want any part of it.  Anger equalled bad and dangerous.  And even though I had a great deal of anger during these years, I wasn't about to talk about it or share about it for fear of adding to the angry home we lived in.  That would be like throwing fire into a fire, hoping to put it out.  I don't think I had the tools back then to know how to handle this.  I recognize that I've healed much of this pain to the extent that I have gratitude for my family and for all the stuff that happened in my growing up years.  It is from this place of the wounded healer that I feel I can be of service to others.

I've learned that feeling anger is a part of our whole range of emotions and a large part of learning about compassion.
I want to allow it a safe space to move through versus ignoring what's there or throwing it out to hurt others and myself.

A past dating relationship brought deep insight for me about anger.  He and I were happily compatible in many ways, a common dedication to yoga practice being a major element.  AND, we were yin/yang in our way of dealing with a few things which isn't unlike many if not all the couples I know.  I quickly learned that I was also with someone who was easily able to access his anger and direct it outwards and I believe he even saw this as a sign of passionate connection in a useful, honest way.  In some ways I now might say, I believe it could be!  I believe in being who you know yourself to be and being true to that best knowledge.  Having said that, in my way of being in the world I don't believe in hurting others for the sake of a selfish lesson or to provoke change in someone by consciously creating pain that leads to more pain.  I don't believe anger is a useful way to engage in meaningful communication for most of us.  I think it can be a protective tool in some instances to ward off physical harm where the only way to enter an afflicted persons mind is through an enraged speech.  Or another example could be discussed where someone aims to bring discipline to a young and/or wreckless person where the goal is peace versus disciplining for one's own goal.  I see these examples more as a way of ACTING angry or adeptly transforming the anger on the spot to ultimately provoke a shift versus actually letting one's anger override and splatter all over the place.  My experience has shown that generally I'm throwing out my own pain when I get angry at someone, hurting others in a similar way that I've been hurt so that I can feel better.  That's why I've tended towards holding off from expressing my anger, at least the raw, slanderous style of anger in order to stay committed to the practice of ahimsa - non-violence.

So I'm not certain this is my final answer with dealing with anger in a relationship, but it's where I was and still am for now.  As within my family, I was aware of the tension and the anger in someone close to me and I was committed to the point that I wasn't going to meet his anger with anger.  I believe he wanted me to get angry back at him, that he was looking to provoke that emotion in me.  Maybe it would have been a good experience to have unleashed and had an angry battle.  But with all the work I had been doing, that never seemed to make sense.  Even if that would have been a good exercise for me, I didn't trust that it was the right relationship for this to happen.  The final layer to this angry cake was that in the midst of anger that came my way, the imprint of childhood pain bubbled up and had me partly frozen, numb.  There was a part of me that thought I deserved this abuse, that I had to take it and not step out of harms way.  It was part of the story that I've dragged around that gets triggered by people places and things close to my heart and feels alone and afraid.

The difference is that today, I'm aware that I have a choice and that I have my own voice.  It's part of the work that I'm doing to trust that I am worthy, that I am deserving of kindness and love.  I've started a Raja Yoga teacher training course and I'm learning to recognize the vrittis, the thought waves that are within my mind and how some are painful and others are painless (Sutra 1.5).  The sutras say we can sort these out and transform the painful ones in order to move towards spending greater time in peace.  Great news, huh?  Are you asking, how does it work?!?!  Me too.  That's why I'm taking this course! :)  I'll be sharing more of the sutras here in these writings as the course progresses.

In that dating relationship as with my parents, I learned that I don't have to be pulled in by someone else's anger and I can let them have their own experience with anger.  I am not them.  I am not their anger.  I don't even believe the root of their anger actually even has to do with me, in this lifetime anyway!  By recognizing this boundary in this up to date context with this ex-boyfriend, I was able to not become totally consumed by the flames of anger - his or mine.  I seemed to be able to see through his anger even when he was expressing it.  Our difficult conversations would certainly sting and be uncomfortable, especially on the on-set, but then I would see the vulnerability and sweetness in him and not want to attack that.  What I saw was a space for me to offer love, compassion and acceptance.  It was then that I got that he and I were the same - judging him would mean judging myself.  Now I wasn't always able to give that love in the form of compassion and nurturing energy - sometimes I would use a controlling speech to counter-attack or be passive aggressive as I learned so well from growing up.  I would say things that I knew provoked him but were also my truths - just not said at a good time or in a compassionate way.  It was my best attempt to create a defensive line when I was feeling fear of being bulldozed over.  I believe I needed to learn more about how to deal with anger at this intimate level and he was brought to guide me and help me find my short-comings and recognize my strengths. To this day, I'm grateful that our difficult and angry times didn't turn into punching matches and thankful for the whole experience just as it was.

I believe the primary reason for our break was that each of us was finally able to see each other and to see ourselves.  To see that we weren't going to be able to accept certain parts of one another and to recognize that we had to set each other and ourselves free from this limited way of being.  I was angry this didn't work out and angry that there was a lot left unsaid on my part.  But I hadn't felt space for what I wanted to say and I later learned it was best left unsaid because it was my ego that was bruised and that wanted to win since I felt like I had lost.  It was what was left for me to work on and accept away from the context of this relationship, away from this war where there appeared to be a winner and a loser.  This relationship bruised me pretty deeply when it ended and has taken some time to bring healing.  In many ways, I felt I was ready to be in this imperfect relationship and to go for the long haul.  But finally, that possibility disappeared.  That I'm able to write about it here and under this topic of acknowledging and healing anger, feels good.  It helps me get that I've learned at least SOME of what was needed from this experience.  I've been needing to write about this relationship and this person.  He was a teacher for me as I imagine I was for him, and I trust it all went as it needed to go so that we could each get to know ourselves more and move more towards our own peace.

I visualize releasing him and my family of origin from my liver!

Getting current, I have anger today.  I can name the anger with a handful of things with work, life, co-workers, my brother, parents, cat, money, etc and without realizing it, I've been suppressing this anger and have needed to be simply able to name it - I have anger!  AHHHHHHHhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  Now I also get that this anger is a vritti - part of the mind-stuff that is causing me pain.  I want to blame it on outside things but the outside world will ALWAYS cause pain.  So rather than getting caught up in trying to fix the outside world, my focus is to sort out my perceptions and misperceptions.  There is work I can consciously do that transforms this anger or other painful emotion and brings me towards equanimity, and right now I'm finding that through yoga.  This recognition, this revelation on a feeling that I don't often allow myself to connect with, inspired me to get writing, to do a thorough cleaning of my room, to clear out some old things in the house and see where this would go!  I can hear my brother saying - do a 4th step around it!  Yes, he's on the 4th step and seeing the value of this new work which is so great to see.  The 4th step brought tremendous healing for me and what I'm enjoying right now is learning how the yoga sutras have a similar, healing journey.

Writing is a major resource to release and reveal the nature of the anger.  I also have found that telling friends about this anger experience with this acupuncturist brought benefit - because I was basically able to let friends know that I was angry, start a conversation around it.  It was my way of sharing more about myself, my feelings, without getting angry.  It was a way to let go of the force-shield around the anger and gradually help it lose its power, its grip on me, its veil covering what is true.  Anger does not control me nor is it who I am.  In yoga practice, during yoga nidra/deep relaxation we take a minute to observe our thoughts.  When I'm guiding students in their practice, I often share the spiritually founded truth that we're not our thoughts or our feelings and encourage the students to simply watch these feelings and thoughts pass before them without needing to latch on and go for the ride.  Just observe and be still as if you were watching a movie.  I didn't come up with these words and have been given this same direction by others.  It's worked to guide me into a peaceful state in my practice.  In this way we're more likely to stay grounded in what is true versus when we allow the anger to overcome us and define us.

Even as I know I'm not my anger, I get that I need to let myself verbalize this anger in order to spend time making peace with it.  I need to be able to send it on its way towards the benefit that I am to receive from honoring it.  And I love remembering that "this too shall pass!"

We may do and say things that bring pain to ourselves and others.  It's not about suppressing the anger which I did for many years and do on occasion, it's a practice of pausing the dualistic thinking and inserting the wisdom of "who we are."  We are one, we are one with spirit.  "We are spiritual beings having an earthly experience."  And its not a practice just for the tough emotions, its for all emotions.  We can even get carried away with the highs of ecstasy and joy.  We can get attached to any and all of these feelings which we believe make us who we are.  But they are just the things that pass through us like water over the rocks, moving towards a great ocean. These are also part of us only we tend to wrap expectation around these feelings and secretly or even consciously hold fear of losing these things.  So it brings up pain ultimately, often even anger.  The practice I've learned is to work towards a space of equanimity.  Expressed well in the 2nd and 3rd chapters of the Bhagavad Gita that I'm currently studying - the epic poem describing the inner and outer battle Arjuna is facing as he surrenders to receiving the gift of yoga from lord Krishna.  These emotions feel real to us and there is a way to move out of this suffering.

Spring is around the corner, though it's already been feeling springy, and this is a great time to nourish the liver.  In traditional Chinese medicine, it is said that the chi is in the liver meridian now more than any other season.  Recognizing this anger is a great signal for me to bring more attention to nourishing my body with good foods, hatha practice and being around friends and social situations that uplift me.  I also like to remember to give myself adequate quiet time in my home and to keep my home tranquil and a place I enjoy going to for rest.  I've read that we have 50,000-60,000 thoughts per day!  Many of those are even said to be negative thoughts!  So many of these thoughts might trigger anger from who knows where and we might hang on to it for a while.  We might even LIKE hanging on to the anger because it feels good in some way, maybe it feels righteous.  I had this the other day and it was gnawing away at me - something to do with work.  Then about an hour later I realized that I had forgotten about that anger and was feeling good!  I had to try and remember what I was so angry about and I couldn't!  If I tried hard enough I could have remembered, but it didn't seem like that was gonna be a smart idea, because I'd likely work myself into an angry place again!  Funny how sometimes I might choose to do that.  I've seen others do that for sure!  So I don't expect that anger will be deleted as one of my emotions any time soon, nor any other emotion for that matter, but my perspective on this is that I have the ability to observe these thoughts and feelings and take better care of them.  I get that I can work towards understanding them better versus ignoring or hoping for them to dissolve on there own.

During the meditation at the end of a recent yoga class, I visualized some people sitting in meditation with me.  The first person I pulled up was someone I'm connected with and feel our relationship needs transforming.  We've been in a stuck place and both of us are having our own version of how it needs to change.  I don't have the vision that we'll actually get to sit in meditation together anytime soon, but there he appeared sitting with me.  Then a couple of others appeared with whom I feel I'm in a similar situation - wishing for a shift in our relationship.  Then my brother and my family were sitting with me.  Then others kept appearing, until the flow got so massive and fast that I couldn't recognize anyone yet knew that I was with everyone that I loved, hated, resented, respected, admired, loathed, knew of and knew not - all of which I get were parts of myself.  I got that I was learning about non-judgement here, that I was learning about compassion and acceptance during this meditation.  It was medicine for me to have even this "virtual" experience of these feelings so that my body and mind could recognize this to be true.  We are each other, moving towards whatever we spend our energy focusing on.  lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu - May the entire universe be filled with peace and joy, love and light.  Thanks for reading.
]]><![CDATA["Stick Around Until the Miracle Happens!"]]>Tue, 27 Dec 2011 22:41:33 -0800http://www.yogamukunda.com/1/post/2011/12/stick-around-until-the-miracle-happens1.htmlPicture
It's a miracle - I finished and published this blog entry!!  I started writing the majority of this blog over half a year ago.  I never imagined it would require a miracle to get this done!  With tonight being the last night of Hanukah where the miracle of light is celebrated, I figured I could join in on the season of miracles.  A little motivation to be clever paid off here!  I didn't intend to wait this long or to drop off from my yogamukuda website, but it feels kinda cool to be completing this during the festival of lights and giving energy back to this practice of writing and sharing.  I could blame my work and life schedule for why I dropped off from writing this blog - or I could blame myself for being distracted by other "more interesting" things - or I could just let it go and be grateful that I've completed this now.  Rather than spend time worrying about how to find the perfect blame, I'd rather work on additions and edits on what's become my holiday blog!  :D

So the meaning of the above quote has grown over the years for me, always launching me into an introspective space filled with the wisdom I have at the time.  In 12-step recovery work, there is basically an outline that delivers "the promises" of recovery which is what I believe are the miracles of that work (click here for The Promises).  And this passage highlights the change that will happen through a committed practice: "if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way thru…".  It builds towards healing and recovery of the self and guides us into being of service to others - the 12th step.  These miracles have happened in my life and stand as proof that deep, transformational change can happen - we aren't just stuck with the way we are or the way things are.  For many years, I believed I was stuck and worked to create a life around that place of stuck-ness.  I'm still working through more areas where I feel stuck today (work in progress) so I can compassionately pierce through and know more of myself.  In the meantime, I reflect on what has been to recall the awareness that life is a journey with many destinations melting into new starting points. 
Picture
Prior to yoga practice, spiritual counseling and recovery work that began in 2001, I don't know that I ever fully understood what a miracle looked or felt like.  I mean I experienced some pretty cool things in life, but nothing that I understood as a miracle (I would later be able to recognize that there were many miracles that had happened in my life once I could soberly look at all of my life's experiences and relationship to all people, places and things).  A miracle to me was the parting of the Red Sea or someone being cured of a life-threatening illness or disease - huge, unbelievable things I had only read about, not ever experienced or witnessed.  I wanted a miracle in my life even though I wasn't sure I believed I would get it.  At first, the best I could imagine was that the miracle was a black and white thing - I would stop my addictive behavior.  After some time, my lens broadened and my hope was that the miracle could be that I would never feel trapped by my own behaviors, or that I'd become free from hurt, sadness and loneliness, or that I'd wake up and have the perfect job, partner, family, etc.  I even had some specific spiritual notions that I held above me, wishing for the miracle of enlightenment, transcendence and divine wisdom.  Yes, one scent of getting a miracle and I wanted more!  Sound familiar?!  Through all this, I also sat with self-loathing that miracles were definitely available to others, but not sure I was in for the count on this one.  But deep inside my heart pounded a knowingness that there must be something better than what I had and I was curious enough to stick around to see if I'd get even a small miracle.  Sometimes I even credit the compulsiveness in me that held that belief!  Whatever it was, it was real and it was a part of me.

I was aware that others in the 12-step rooms seemed to have found something that changed them and I was desperate for a shift like they had.  The feeling of grasping for something that I didn't have possession of, that I felt I didn't deserve or couldn't afford was painful.  It brought up so many voices of judgement and criticism, that it occurred to me that I was unhappy with who I believed I was.  For all the dancing I did (literally and figuratively) behind the mask of a perfectionist, I was able to admit that I was standing in anger and fear of this life.  I got that there was more that I wanted to feel and be, but had no sense of how to get there.  Something about walking through the 12-steps helped me get in touch with the power of a journey, a pilgrimage, a spiritual awakening.  As I made it through the first-step of surrendering to the power held within the addiction, I got that a part of me would fight against this path.  But only because my behaviors were so habitual, so ingrained in my identity that to be in a place where I wasn't using old patterns, seemed impossible.  This stage of my development required being with the unknown in a way I had not consciously experienced.  This is where my spiritual counseling and deepening yoga practice came as a necessity to this work. It felt like asking me not to eat or spend money!  But really, it was more like asking myself to not eat things that make me feel sick or spend money that I don't have/abuse credit.  Ugh…money.  I'll have to write about my relationship with money and things in an upcoming blog!
Picture
For my current perspective, the "miracle" refers to being fully awake and alive, utterly present to the beauty of life's offerings in every moment.  Miraculous when life can be that simple!  Seriously.  Moving with the flow of all things versus hoping for life to only be filled with lots of "this" and none of "that" - ie wanting only happy things rather than accepting the depth of sorrows that exist, isn't the reality that I live in today.  And being Debbie-downer all the time and not recognizing the gifts all around is equally off-balance!  Rather than one being better than the other or outweighing the other, I recognize both as useful, beneficial, even one in the same in terms of all experience being the fruits of wisdom.  I'm not just saying that to be saying something fancy - I mean it!  It's precisely because of the darker places that I've visited and acknowledged as part of myself that help me feel whole and rich, conscious and present.  These are the riches, the "presents" that I forget to acknowledge when I feel like I don't have enough.  What is it that I'm searching for when I believe I need to own more things, or when I have envy for others, or when I feel like I don't deserve?  What is that really?  Again, my triple-doses of yoga, therapy and the 12-steps have guided me to these answers at times in my life, and when I notice these feelings entering back into my head, I'm reminded of the tools of practice to use again and again.  It's been worth taking the time to know or at least ponder because of the freedom I've found when I answer those questions.  Freedom is the miracle of being present to ones true needs - that's what I've come up with for the moment.  But once again, how does one get there?!  The first thing that comes to mind is to find humility and truth in a kind moment and ask if you need help.  Otherwise, there's no space for change.  Your cup is full and there's no way to pour any change in it.
Because I'm forgetful, I often forget who I am and need a reminder, which I call a miracle!  Anything that helps me get back to that place where I'm not wrestling with my ego, not fighting with time and not getting angry when things don't go my way, then a miracle has happened.  When I expect the miracle to be bigger, more substantial and longer-lasting, well, then I'm in need of the miracle of being fully present.  Being in a community that encourages me to remember who I truly am is detrimental to my health and wellness.  When I've been around a community or group of friends that encourages the ego part of myself to rise or that promotes a negative trance, then I need to move away or at least be sure that I'm creating a balance of energy in my life.  I used to like to challenge myself by sticking around until I could be unaffected by the circumstance, but at this time my experience shows that I do better by removing myself from harmful environments until further notice!  AND, that I'm not really bullet-proof like I think I am.  I'm getting stronger and wiser, but I'm still aware that I'm susceptible to going weak around some situations that distract and challenge me more than I can handle at the time.  The tool I've used in the past is to build stronger ties with healthier folks and talk about what's going on as plainly and as often as I can.

There have been many times when the goal of a miracle kept me going.  The goal of experiencing liberation and peace kept me going so I could change my stuck situation or bring healing to a tough relationship.  Since this summer, I've been on such a ride where I had to keep faith that all was moving towards a miracle.  A relative of mine chose to become homeless almost 6 months ago, dropped farther into drug-addiction - using and selling, after bottoming out on a handful of lost hopes and dreams that loosened his grasp with reality.  I offered my home versus the streets at first, but when I learned of the drug connection, I took away that option offering it if and when he was ready to let go of that part of his world.  Rather than figure out how I was supposed to help change his life, my work was to show up and love this person, to find deepest compassion in my heart for the pain and confusion that he was experiencing, and to turn over my needs to a Higher Power.  I've wanted to write about this in my blog, but haven't been quite ready to put this all together yet.  I gather that now that I've put it out there, I'm at the very least willing to write more on this.  In many of my moments through this, I could get that faith was an energy that responded when activated by practice.  I could get that I wasn't in this situation by accident, and that it was best for me to show up as fully alert as I could.  The only way to do this was to not do it alone.  I didn't do the best job, but I know I did a good job at that.  Part of what I felt was happening is that the carrot, aka the miracle was just there to give me direction, so I could trust that all was moving toward a state of truth.  I reached a point where I surrendered to the fact that this state may involve losing this person completely to their mental illness and drug addiction.  It was a heavy period and I'm grateful things have dramatically changed from then.  In fact it's gone 180 degrees and this person is walking along the path of the 12-steps and has changed his life.  Oh man am I grateful!  I'm grateful that I had a practice that directed me to have faith in things beyond my control.  This could have ended up any number of ways and the story I'm sure isn't totally finished.  I'm also sure that in some ways this is being presented to me as an opportunity to rise to my fullest self, to keep doing what I'll call my work, which to me means my life's practice and life's calling.  So this is where things are today and that's all I really need to worry about!

Do you have a sense that there is "work" to be done?  If not, that's awesome!  I mean it!!  That's a miracle in my book!!!!  If someone is content and never questioning, then that is his/her path.  And if ever an impulse arises or a friend nudges you or stirs up some stuff that gets your panties in a bunch, then take it as a sign that there's a little work to be done.  Even though it's gotten me angry at times, when a friend or even a stranger is able to stir things up for me and it agitates me, I know there's something for me to look at and I ultimately feel grateful for that agitation.  And likewise when a friend acknowledges me in a positive way and I have trouble accepting the compliment, there's some loving work to be done.  And along the ride with this healing work, I remind myself to "keep it simple" and "easy does it."  Not only are those 12-step slogans, but they're also translatable with the style of yoga that I practice and teach.  Through an easeful and mindful practice, I have found a way to know that peace is my true nature.  And when I am experiencing that peace, healing work is happening within and beyond my conscious state.

Picture
Before I forget to make mention, how about these miracles:  Planes, child-bearing and birthing, veganism, breath, holiday cheer, beehives, antfarms, our relationship to the universe, internet, time that heals, photos, imagination, outer space, inner space, photosynthesis, fire, love, crystals, prayer, finishing a great book, waking up in the morning, going to sleep at night, celebrating anything that brings joy, the human body, gravity,… (add 5 more in your head right now!)……. _______,  ________, _________, _______, _______!!!

Hope your season continues to be merry and bright, filled with peace and joy for one and all.

Picture
P.S.  On my plane ride back from visiting my 100 year-old Great Aunt Bee (spelled B-e-e like a bumble bee) for Christmas, I saw this quote:  "The best way out is always through."  -Robert Frost.  Hang in there, there's a miracle waiting/happening/being with you in every moment!   
]]><![CDATA["Stick Around Until the Miracle Happens"]]>Sun, 19 Jun 2011 09:06:27 -0800http://www.yogamukunda.com/1/post/2011/06/stick-around-until-the-miracle-happens.htmlNew Entry titled, "Stick Around Until the Miracle Happens" coming soon!!  It'll be a miracle when I finish this current blog and get it posted!!  :)
In the meantime - Happy Father's Day!  Celebrate the miracle of life that we've been given by our biological father/step-Dad/Stepped-in Dad/etc. and the Divine Father of Creation.  Om Namah Shivya!
]]><![CDATA[Where is Love/Where is Home?]]>Tue, 10 May 2011 22:55:01 -0800http://www.yogamukunda.com/1/post/2011/05/where-is-lovewhere-is-home.htmlWhere is love?
Does it fall from skies above?
Is it underneath the willow tree
that I've been dreaming of?

That's the first part of a song that orphaned Oliver sings from the musical Oliver after he's finally made it to a loving home though filled with longing for his mother.  Because he feels something is still missing, he's determined to search for it - a search for a sense of balance and meaning in his little life.  In my 8th grade year, I was in a national touring production of Oliver along with 9 other schoolmates from the School for Creative and Performing Arts in Cincinnati.  I was 12 years-old at that time as I jumped in for the "food, glorious food" that nourished my entire being for years to come.  I was cast as innocent Oliver for the second of two tours at the end of my 7th grade year when we auditioned.  When I came back as an 8th grader in the fall, my voice had begun to change.  I was then re-cast as the Artful Dodger - head of the pick-pocketing thieves.  Yes, puberty had me turn into a different character!  I had related to Oliver's innocent longing for love, then had to let go of that and switch to the Dodger's artful and dedicated ways of playful survival.  I grew to recognize that part of myself as well - a yin and yang relationship that sparked my curiosity as a youngster:  How can I be so many things, feel so many things and still be me?  WHO AM I?!?!  (The all pervasive question that I suppose I really did start asking myself around then.)   Mr. Dodger's introduction upon meeting Oliver is presented in this song:

Consider yourself, at home.
Consider yourself, one of the family.
We've taken to you, so strong
It's clear, we're going to get along.

The song speaks about feeling connected, being welcomed home.  Even though the meeting is primarily about tricking Oliver into a livelihood of stealing, to me it always felt like a sweet offer to Oliver, who hadn't received anything so welcoming up to that point.  It felt like homeless Oliver was able to feel a bond by receiving something he so longed for - a family.  And in all truth, this band of thieves is portrayed as a very loving mix of characters that are indeed a close-knit family.  You know, like mafia-style.  :)  I got to learn from this family, on-stage and off for about 4 months of touring and it was healing.  It helped me learn about family in a way that I hadn't understood having come from a very small, insular family.  During my 7th grade year I toured with another production and had my first experience with feeling unconditional love from this group, and this new tour was a way to feed this sense of longing for family that I only seemed to feel satisfied with in this way.  A touring, musical junky at an early age!  My sense of home and quest for love had already moved outside the walls of my family's house as a child.  I had already been dreaming of something more and here was one of the many opportunities that helped me learn.  And though I was not an orphan, like Oliver, I kept asking - where is love?  Where is that thing that feels is missing in my heart?

The Oliver tour was an intense period for me.  I was becoming more conscious of my sexuality, aware that I was gay, plus with my voice changing and passing bar-mitzvah, I was saying good-bye to boyhood and hello to scary adulthood.  I had a number of sad moments on that tour when I became so aware of my suffering and had no idea what to do about it.   I wished I could have shared my feelings with any of my "families" at this time, but I didn't know how, I felt too afraid to share this fragile part of myself.  So I learned to keep things inside and protect them.  Even now, I recognize that that's a reflex way of dealing with feelings today and I often find that I need to remind myself that I can do this differently now.  But man oh man is it hard to break a habit that protected me and even felt like it grounded me for so long.  Funny how habits work like that - they serve a beneficial purpose else we wouldn't have started them.  Then, they get outdated but our reflex relationship keeps them alive and well.  So it requires some serious work to change these habits which can feel like pulling teeth!  At the very least, I'm grateful to have awareness around it and to be building deeper acceptance.  I'm grateful that I've sought out help in various ways, from therapy and 12-step groups, to true friends and spiritual counselors.  I'm grateful to have parents who have largely accepted my life path and for doing their very best to understand me, which I know has not been easy.

I'm grateful to have these memories which still resonate and remind me that everything I need is consistently being offered to me.  It's my job to just make sure that I see it and be as receptive as possible.  Not always so easy.  Often, I miss seeing it until it's passed or until I've spent some time reflecting.  Like when you pass something and you ask, "have I passed by here before?" And only after you've gone farther and something helps you remember that you realize that yes, I have visited here because you're now passing that other place you remembered.  That's why I cherish quiet time so much - it helps me recognize the depth of my experiences with compassion, particularly when pain arises.  And somewhere along the way in my late teens after years of bottling feelings, I learned that these painful feelings would pass, just as all thoughts and all feelings move along and invite new ones.  And I'd say I learned that from some tough times as a kid when I felt all alone with my feelings.  I remember imagining my older self and how I felt taken care of by that thought.  So there I was a couple weeks ago, going back to Cincinnati as that older self reminding the little Marc that everything turned out really good!

Going back to visit Cincinnati brings up these relationships with habit and old-ways of being.  I'm a very different person than I was in 1996, but part of me still feels suspended at that age.  There was a lot happening my final couple of years in Cincinnati.  I was very connected with people but I still felt like there was something missing or wasn't enough.  In some ways, I see this as part of my struggle with perfectionism and in other ways, I see this as part of my quest for deeper self-knowledge.  I needed to go on a quest for worldly experience, to search for greater meaning and balance.  And not for external satisfaction, but to help radically shift my perspectives, sensibilities and relationship between myself and all things.   Some part of me knew that in order to follow my karmic path, I had to leave what was comfortable and go on a challenging journey that has taken me around many parts of the globe.  I love that we never know what will come of taking a single step in any direction.  I love that sometimes I'm able to trust my heart more than my mind - something I strive for more and more to happen!

The time in Cincinnati was about being present for what was there, for heart-felt experiences that liberate my soul.  As I related in my last blog, it was about taking the seder off the plate and into the world!  I'm gonna make reference to 6 things that happened related to the seder plate description from my previous blog cuz I'm still diggin the metaphors!  At the end of the following paragraphs, I'll reference an item from the seder plate that you can look back to my previous blog for definition if you wish.

---------------------------------------------------

I love keeping connected with my grade school/high school pal Melissa and her family.  She has 4 incredible youngsters that I've had fun watching grow every year.  Conner the oldest is turning 12 this summer and that's amazing!!  I got to go over to their house on the Easter egg coloring day.  I had a vegan moment when planning this with Melissa and realized coloring Easter eggs was, well, not very vegan.  I wanted to keep the fun and not be a butt-head about it and found an alternative.  It was as much about finding a way to share more about myself with the kids as it was to hold true to my commitment to being vegan.  I liked the idea of sharing what might be a new idea with these kids about what choices one can make in the world, how food isn't just something to fill your belly with like how I saw it as a kid.  I wouldn't have known about it had I not met others who had made this compassionate and healthy choice.  I was planning to bring rocks to color when my trip to the hardware store brought me to discover a flower planting kit in a terra cotta egg!!  What a cool idea!!  So I brought these to the house which we were able to color along with the dozens of eggs they already had.  We nearly had to turn into an assembly line to get all the eggs painted and both Melissa and I made bigger messes than the kids did!  It was totally fun and how great that we got to catch up over a creative afternoon.  Next we hit the trampoline.  While I didn't have the energy of these youngans, I sure had fun.  It was a great way for me to bounce out the stress I was feeling with being "home" - literally bounce it out.  I loved connecting with all of them and getting to be one of the kids.  I had thought I might do some yoga with them but the trampoline was too much fun.  We did do a bouncing version of padmasana, dandasana and savasana.  Hey, trampoline yoga!!  Melissa and I got caught up with some of the basics on each other's family and it means a lot to me that we do this.  Even though we go long stretches with not being in contact, I somehow know that I'll always keep this relationship with Melissa and her family.  I have her parents number ingrained in my memory since childhood, so as long as they keep that, I'll always know how to find her!  (SHANK BONE OR BEET)

One evening I glanced at the news and learned that someone I had worked with in Cincinnati was shot and killed by the police.  This was shocking news to see.  The news on the street and what even seemed clear from the news clip, is that he shouldn't have been shot with a gun, and certainly not in the chest.  He should have been tazered at the most.  But the cops were defending themselves saying the cop who shot did the right thing.  So I have to take a step back.  No, I wasn't there and have no idea what was truly going on.  All I know is that I worked with this guy nicknamed Bones and remember him as a sweet, harmless guy.  It feels absolutely wrong that this happened and there's no way to take this back, to change what has happened.  Asking why will help bring some process of the mind to move toward letting go, but at some point I know that even something as awful as this is part of life's unfolding.  Life, with it's wise teacher mother nature, is filled with great beauty and tragedy.  There may not always be an answer to the why.  She doesn't judge herself or intend harm when a storm comes or when a lion attacks and kills a deer.  I believe she does seek balance.  Maybe even in a way that isn't fully able to be comprehended.  This is part of what I feel is nature's mystery.  This unknown space used to be somewhat frightening to me and is now something I've learned to work with, to be with in meditation in order to allow this space to reveal itself to me.  To this space of mystery and unanswerable questions, I lower my head in sadness for my friends death.   To the light and power of healing and transformation, I raise my head in honor and salutations for my friends life.  No birth, life or death happens on accident.  Through my karmic understanding, there is a sort of balance similar to that in nature that watches on as a spiritual warrior - fierce and bold while always on the verge of tears.  Bones my friend, though our tears fall, I see you rise in peace.  (BITTER HERBS)

park + vine!  Their move into the old Kaldi's space (coffeehouse, jazz bar and used bookstore that I worked in for years as the bar manager) feels like an evolutionary change that makes total sense.  I loved Kaldi's, was sad to see it go, and now happy to see how Dan has turned the place into a new haven for like-minded souls or curious passers-by as well as a luxurious heaven for the vegan movement at large.  It's Cincinnati's premiere green general store with all vegan foods, soaps, clothing, gifts, house paint, water filters and more.  I LOVE what he's got goin on in there as do huge, loving handful after handfuls of locals do.  He's doing great and creating an amazing community and place of awareness.  THIS is what I'm talking about!  Main street, where I used to live, has been able to lift it's head up again after a crumbling period of fear and economic downward spiraling.  Hurray for the resurgence and integration of these beautiful people with beautiful people.  Dan, park + vine's owner and I first met when I started off at the University of Cincinnati's College of Design, Architecture, Art and Planning college as an Urban Planning major in 1988.  Who knew that our connection would sprout new life all these years later? (PARSLEY)

I actually thought (and even did some planning) that I'd take a dance class while I was back in town!  THAT idea brings up so many feelings and wiggles me to the bone as I think of my life's journey around dance!   I've been considering trying out a class for some months and it hit me hard again as I was planning for this visit.  In the midst of everything going on, it didn't happen.  I was hoping to go with former student/dance partner/crazy friend Jenny but neither the class or time with Jenny got to happen.  Double bummer!  I did get to a rehearsal of a fellow SCPA pal Missy as she and her hubby were choreographing on the Cincinnati Ballet.  I was dancing in my seat as I was watching, splitting time watching the beautiful dancers and watching beautiful Missy.  How cool is that that she was working her magic on the Cincinnati Ballet and to Over the Rhine's music?!?!  I did make it to a yoga class which was also a big highlight.  My pal Donna taught a marvelous, luminous class that included her unexpected little neighborhood friends to become surprise guests:  4 or 5 little kids who wanted to connect.  Donna balanced her attention to us and to them so lovingly, it was pure yoga!   Artist/friend Tony took the class as well and then we joined up with longtime friend Amy for dinner at Melt.  While I didn't get to spend a great deal of time with any of the three of them, I was happy to have the time I did.  Always wishing for more 1:1 time with everyone!!  Just couldn't do it this trip.  I'm grateful that even though I don't have much time when I visit and I miss seeing many friends, I still know the opportunity to reach out and feel connected is never far away. (EGG or NEW POTATO)

An unusual highlight was being in Cincinnati during it's rainiest season in history!  PLUS, there was a tornado warning during my stay.  Even when I lived in Cincinnati, there were only a handful of times that happened and I only recall them from childhood.  It was a Tuesday night and I heard alarms going off downtown around 1am and I was having trouble sleeping.  I couldn't put it together that those were actually alarms so I kept trying to sleep through it.  The sirens kept going on and off, making a long, delayed winding up sound and a long, pitch shifting winding down.  There also happened to be some cop cars 12 stories below my room that looked to have been in the process of arresting someone.  Was this all connected?  After several cycles, I felt I needed to call the front desk and find out what was going on.  After a couple of rings, the woman answered and without a hello, stated, "it's time to head downstairs.  Take the stairs to the basement now."  And then she hung up.  ?!?!?  Then seconds later, a man came on the loudspeakers and told everyone to take the stairs to the basement.  I jumped out of bed and went into disaster/survival mode and raced around my room and grabbed my backpack, stuffed extra undies and socks, a book, water-filter bottle, oranges and snacks, computer and power cord, wallet, toothbrush and paste, soap and a hand towel.  I was ready for the big one!!  I envisioned being stuck in the basement for several days, the building getting swept up and everyone losing all but what they brought with them.  I felt the call to be prepared for anything, to focus on what would be important and helpful to take with me.  Maybe it's from watching too many movies.  Whatever it comes from, I was glad that's what my tired body was doing.  (LETTUCE - seasonal reminder.  Didn't speak about this in my last blog but found it fit in well here.  Not all seder plates have this, yet I wanted to include it here.)

I want to include some notes on my lunch at the James' home.  We had a delicious vegan meal, compliments of the James family who made gracious efforts to create an amazing feast that we all could enjoy.  My parents hadn't been in their home (ever or in a long time anyway) and definitely hadn't seen the artwork I had given them which hangs dramatically in their dining room.  Primarily a huge painting that I had given my artistic mentor, Jefferson as a gift of thanks when I left Cincinnati.  So I asked if I could invite my parents, as a way to keep my Mom's birthday celebrations in full-swing.  Jefferson helped guide me as a young artist and most importantly, trusted and respected my work.  She helped instill confidence, technique and strength in me that I wasn't able to become fully aware of until after leaving in 1996.  I appreciated the family that Contemporary Dance Theater provided me with all the amazing folks who are still keeping the dance scene in Cincinnati alive and well to this day.  I truly feel honored to have been a part of it and hope that I make more efforts to express my gratitude better known than just putting these words down here.  Leaving all of this was so hard to do and I know that part of it was a running to and part of it was a running away.  I know that I did what I needed to do at the time.  Sure, I would have done it differently today, but there's not much use in spinning those thoughts, only to appreciate that I've grown…some anyway!  I have kept in fair touch with Jeff through the years and will always cherish this practically parental bond I feel with her.  Maybe that's also why I felt I needed to leave Cincinnati as a child moving away from the safety of a parent.  I was yearning for more artistic challenge and bigger exposure.  More more more!  (oh, the endless craving of more!)  I also think that I wasn't able to really hold all that was happening at this time and subconsciously chose to let it leak through my hands so I wouldn't have to be responsible for it.  Fear of success was certainly a big one here.  Whatever is the reason, I know that these experiences shifted my consciousness to the core.   Today, I enjoy seeing Jeff and her family, which now includes cutie little Emma, Rachel's daughter who is Jeff's daughter.  There's so much richness here that the more I write the more I want to write, so for now I just want to say that I'm filled with gratitude for Jefferson and that her family welcomes me so lovingly.  The fun image of my parents and the James' family enjoying a fun lunch together didn't exactly turn out as planned, but all added up to a day of life which is built from showing up and being alive with all the complicated, loving, amazing things that makes being alive so rich and worth every minute.   Hooray for the beautiful and rich layers of life and relationship.  (CHAROSET)

Finally, I want to make note that I've been on a simple cleanse for nearly 4-weeks now and I've cut out wheat again and therefore minimized refined foods and sugars in my diet.  I give thanks to Passover and my choice to use the holiday as momentum for taking action with my health.  Can I just tell you that removing wheat makes such an awesome difference for me.  Not only because I feel less congested and have less time dealing with cold-symptoms when they've come up (3-days instead of 10), but I'm also just eating better.  I was tending to eat lots of bread-things and not eating very healthy.  I don't suffer from celiac's disease, but maybe a wheat sensitivity.  I'm grateful that taking action like this has always proven to be rewarding and space-making rather than confining and threatening.  By giving something up, I've experienced a sense of freedom and joy that I didn't seem to find while eating breads and cookies and treats all the time.  By taking them out, I've found more peace within.  And knowing that millions of people around the globe were honoring Passover by not eating leavened bread, I jumped on that energy wagon and was able to lift my wheat consumption.  I didn't seem to be able to do this on my own.  But with the power of others, I moved from a compulsive space of over-consuming toward an open space of love and healing.  Yay!!   (MATZOH, NO UNLEAVENED BREAD.  Again, didn't include this in my previous blog, but it just worked in so well with what I wanted to share about here, I had to include!!)

Love is everywhere all the time and there is never a shortage.  Oliver had never been shown the original love that is given from Mother to child.  He spent his young years searching for it until he was able to find acceptance with his learned wisdom that love is within and all around.  His innocence remained with him throughout his journey and his reward was "coincidentally" landing in the arms of his actual aunt, his mother's sister.  I often felt like I was on the hunt for love and home for many years, from childhood into my twenties and thirties.  And even in recent years, these trips to Cincinnati always challenge me and I question every time if I would want to move back.  Some of my friends, like long-time Cincinnati pal Amy know this cycle of mine and take it with a grain of salt when I'm in Cincinnati as I protest my love for that place.  I feel so deeply connected to Cincinnati because of all the love that I received and continue to receive there.  I feel at home.  Yet I also feel great love and rootedness and a profound sense of home in San Francisco.  So I can only weave this together and remember this principle:  love is everywhere all the time and there is never a shortage, never a shortage when its love that emanates from divine essence versus human pain.  And home is where the heart is - one heartbeat at a time, wherever you are when you can stop and feel it.  It's only by coming back out here to San Francisco that I remember that so clearly, that something aligns my entire mind, body and spirit to be in gratitude for all that is.  If you have a place that helps you do that, go often to that place or person or thing or quiet time that helps ground you.  It's a life-saver - Consider yourself at home.   And if you don't feel you have that in your life, maybe it's time to find a meditation and/or yoga class to help clear away some space!  :)
]]><![CDATA[Cincinnati Vegan Seder Plate]]>Sun, 24 Apr 2011 22:35:23 -0800http://www.yogamukunda.com/1/post/2011/04/cincinnati-vegan-seder-plate.htmlPassover time last year - Berlin with Amy to work on her dance project (see blog: "March 2010").  This year's Passover time -  Cincinnati to celebrate my Mom's 70th birthday.  What do these two have in common?  In both places, my Passover Seder took the form of a "Life Seder Plate" as I'm recognizing it now.  To me, that means that I didn't get the chance to celebrate a traditional-style seder with the delicious vegan foods that I usually prepare with SF friends, acknowledging the significance of the items on the seder plate and why this night is different from all other nights.  I also didn't get to celebrate with my family which I figured I would get to do.  Instead, like taking my yoga practice "off the mat, into the world" I took my seder event off the plate and into my Cincinnati experiences this last week.  And I'll tell you, it was just as symbolic and meaningful, paralleling the story of a Vegan Passover as I see it:  a time for breakthroughs while intending greatest freedom and peace.

The Passover seder and week-long observance is one of my favorite Jewish traditions.  As kids, my brother and I were the ones who would bring the seder rituals home from school to share with our parents since our mom didn't know them well, and our step-dad who was raised orthodox, had let go of much of his observances as he entered adulthood.  So it was very cool and affirming as kids to be in charge of this meaningful experience, to share with our parents what we'd learned as proud little students of Yavneh Hebrew Day School.  And it stands today that I still enjoy celebrating Passover with friends in SF, adding a contemporary focus.  I was excited to come back and have a seder with my family since we hadn't celebrated for quite a long time, maybe since I've been in SF (14 1/2 years!!).  But they weren't interested.  Wow.  That stopped me in my tracks.  I didn't expect that!  Time to reel-in my expectations.  I got to be reminded that what might be important to me, may not be important for someone else.  What might sound like a cool idea to me, may sound completely off for someone else.

So do I want to impose my life on someone or be with peace?  And peace doesn't mean giving up, it means acceptance.  It means being flexible, strong and loving.  So after feeling rejected and exasperated, I was able to feel grounded in compassion - it was possible that we could all agree on a nice way to spend time together.  They saw the Passover seder idea filled with stress and anxiety leading to possible arguments:  Me running around trying to get everything together perfectly, spending hours and hours for something they didn't really feel connected to.  Probably mostly correct!  I got to move through my emotions in the way that I move through an asana practice in yoga.  One pose isn't more important than another.  One pose moves gently from one to the other.  There is a flow and with the aid of breath, all connects together to equal one, balanced practice.  My clever mind wants to see separation and favoritism, this way not that way, stop here don't go there.  But a refined self knows that all paths lead home.  There is no "right" or "wrong", there just is.  "Going with the flow" to put it exactly.  I mean truthfully, it has launched a new way of thinking about a lot of experiences that I perceive as taking a particular form but maybe don't need to!  Like my previous blog below from April 2, 2011 where I started talking about the "what" of life.  The "what" may not be the important thing, but the 'what's it about' may have more significance.

Passover is about freedom.  It's about making a journey, understanding that the journey is the growing space - and the destination, the beginning point of yet a new chapter.  It's about honoring our history, our fellow life-companions (people, planet, animals, plants, and things) as well as ourselves.  It's about going from what is perceived as a closed space to an open space.  Once a year in the Jewish tradition, we designate a time to talk specifically about the historical journey of the Jews who fled from Egypt and moved from being slaves to being free. As some modern seders will translate, we are also signaled to reflect on where we are today as a race, a culture, a nation, a community and as individuals.  At my seders through the last years, we would ask ourselves, "where do we feel enslaved?"  "What areas of life aren't supporting us/ourselves personally?"  "Where do we feel held back?"  Sometimes we'd share out-loud, other times we would write.  Yes, a bit heavy over dinner but it would evolve gently during the seder portion of the evening, and evoke a space of humility, grace and connection.  I miss having this kind of seder.  But after this week in Cincinnati, I feel blessed to be able to shift perspective and accept the way the seder happened, versus how I wished for it to have happened; because the seder wasn't celebrated in it's formal form, I got this opportunity to take my seder practices off the plate, into the world! 

Here's what's on the traditional seder plate with vegetarian/vegan options:

1. Shank bone or beet:  symbolizing the sacrificial lamb.  A beet is a contemporary option and there are several references on the internet to explain.  Click HERE for a cool, obscure one that I discovered which speaks about women in a 1945 concentration camp:   (scroll to the bottom for this story)
2. Bitter herbs/horseradish root:  symbolizing the bitter times of slavery.
3. Charoset (vegan - agave, molasses or fruit sweetener vs honey):  symbolizing the mortar used as slaves during the building of Egypt
4. Egg or new potato:  symbolizing the Earth and new beginnings
5. Parsley:  symbolizing the Spring season

Here's what's on the "Life Seder Plate" each corresponding to the numbers above:

1. Family and Old friends:  The shank bone or beet are also symbols of blood.  So I'm taking this symbol to connect blood to how we refer to family as a blood connection.  The life-sacrifices we have made for one another out of deepest love and care.
2. Painful and challenging life experiences:  The bitter times in life which are often some of our best teachers.  Also referencing those things that hold us back from being our clearest selves.
3. All the layers of consciousness and being:  Like the layers of brick and mortar that create a structure, our experiences become layered and bring light (but not define) who we are today.
4. The circle of life, death and rebirth:  There is a continuum that precedes this life and will follow the ending of this life - the law of nature, honoring that relationship vs trying to defy it.
5. New beginnings/Reconnecting with people, places and things:  Every moment offers the opportunity to grow, to begin anew and gain new insights and perspective.

The one "Passover" story from Cincinnati I primarily want to share here is my visit with my family - primarily with my Mom and Step-Dad, but also with my Father and Step-Mom.  I had one activity each day with my Mom and Step-Dad (whom I'll call Dad from here out because he raised me from age 6 up and I call him Dad).  We had a museum visit, lunches and dinners together this past week - all fun times.  Except on the last day, where we had a rough time that launched the three of us into a tight, uncomfortable space, followed by a breakthrough.  My Dad shared of a story from 4 years back that involved someone I know well.  He'd been holding onto this story with great anger and resentment.  A lunch date that I helped set-up prompted him to share about it (I call this life dominos).  While I was giving an alternative view, away from the ugly picture he perceived full of intentional slandering and ill-will towards him, he made an insinuation that I didn't respect him because I was defending this other person.  I could sense his anger and that he had something more to say, to say something directly to me.  I wanted him to go for it, say what he was feeling, so I asked, "what are you trying to say, just say it!"  And next came the outburst of anger.  He exploded and got some steam out that was years and years old.  He shared that he didn't feel appreciated as a father, made accusations that I didn't respect him or value what he did for me as a parent - from his money that bought the house I grew up in, that provided me with my own room, and how he provided me with food and clothing, etc.  Now, this wasn't coming out of left-field, I've known through the years he felt insecure as a step-parent.  We've had family therapy, our own therapy, and other discussions.  Much of what comes of this returns back to his own childhood and feeling the absense of a father figure in his life.  But I didn't know how present and powerful all of this was for him still.  Part of me just wanted to let him be in his funk and say I'm sorry he felt that way and leave.  That would be the impatient, selfish, tired part of me.  But thankfully, another part of me chose to share my feelings with him, to express my gratitude and love with him, to take this opportunity for our family to be totally frank and up front with each other with honesty and compassion.  I was ready for it because I started feeling there was a big pink elephant in the living room and it wasn't about me being that big, gay pink elephant this time!  :)  In some way, I knew that part of my coming out here was for this breakthrough to happen.  Where this goes, who knows.  At the very least, it helped him, my mom and me in that moment.  That's all we have.

What could have been an awful goodbye after a nice week with my parents and the day after my Mom's 70th birthday, turned out to be a beautiful gift.  My Dad got to share some deep-rooted pain and we all got to talk about it.  I was able to let go of plans with friends so that I could give my attention to my family, to my Dad's feelings in that moment.  My Mom isn't the controlling, out-spoken person that she was before her psychotic break a couple years back.  She's much more subdued and even child-like in many ways and isn't able to express her feelings as easily.  That's heart-breaking and leading me to some further writing, but for now, I get that things are as they are for a reason for now, and its ok.  There's nothing to fix so much as there's lots to accept, breath with, be with and send love to.  As I describe that, I relate this action to what I experience while practicing asanas - accept, breath, be, send love.  While asanas are just one piece of the 8-limbs of yoga, it's one that I've spent the greatest time with and therefore, the practice that I'm best able to reference.  I know that what I'm practicing is also expressed in the yoga sutras of Patanjali.  As I progress and practice those sutras further, I look forward to sharing more about those too.

The whole reason for making this trip was to celebrate my Mom's 70th birthday.  I wanted to do something special for her and making this trip to be with her was the obvious start to that something.  I'm still coming to grips with all that has changed with her in the last couple of years, how the dynamic between her and my father has changed, and doing my best to listen for what's needed for us, for our family.  I had hoped to have Stevebros come and be a part of this, but he isn't in a place where he can manage it.  While being with my mom, she shared some of her pain, her sadness which moved her to tears.  I shared a few thoughts with her and it felt so good to hug her and bring comfort to what felt like a heavy heart.  One thing we came up with is that she needs to get out and interact with others on a more regular basis.  My Dad seems content to just be with my Mom.  But my Mom, who is no longer driving for safety reasons, needs the connection of others.  So I'm looking into chair yoga classes in particular, as well as other activities that she might enjoy.  I was happy to learn that she and my Dad are taking a couple of courses for folks 55 and over at Raymond Walters College.  Yay!  Keeping an active mind at any age is helpful and crucial for well-being.  The classes might be more suited for my Dad, but still great to engage my Mom's mind.  So targeting on something for her that my Dad can join if he wants, would be great.

I'm grateful I had time with my Father and Step-Mom.  I wish that I could build a stronger bond with them, and always imagine that time will offer more opportunities for that.  So far, it's pretty much just a once a year connection.  But I'm grateful for at least that.  My Step-Mom made a vegan lunch for me which was perfect - just like what I would make myself, followed by a bagful of teas and treats to take with me.  I talked stem-cell research and reviewed the situation in post-tsunami/earthquake in Japan with my scientist/doctor Father.  He's got great insight and is personally invested in making this world a better and more creative place.  My Father is turning 75 this September.  I want to keep an eye on that and do something special. Not sure I'll make a trip back, but certainly want to do something.  I don't remember the last time I sent a card, so even that would be good.  For the first time I can remember, I felt the space to ask about Masao, my uncle, his brother who's been living in L.A. for many years.  I've wanted to initiate a connection with him over the last couple of years, to reach out to him and I finally recognized that I was feeling emotionally ready.  He is bipolar and has struggled with this since moving to the U.S. years before I was born.  My father shared that Masao went back to Japan, that he found a program that would help him out there and is therefore no longer living in L.A.  Wild.  Just as I was ready to reach out and visit him on my  L.A. trips, I learn he's recently moved to Japan.  This wouldn't mean that contact is not possible, only that getting to see him would be unlikely.  I was given Masao as my middle name by my parents, and I feel a special connection with him even though I hardly know him (Marc Mukunda Masao Morozumi is the whole shabang!).  I've only met him once so far as I remember.  He was an artist (maybe still is of sorts).  Cool how that became part of my path too.

Coincidences are celestial alignments where we're immersed in the sea of divine consciousness.  When we don't perceive these things we call coincidences, we're searching for meaning in life in our best ways possible.

Hope you had a wonderful weekend, Easter or otherwise.  Another blog to follow with a few more Cincinnati experiences - including jumping on a trampoline with Melissa and Tim's kids, visiting Cincinnati's hippest urban, green general store, "park + vine" and reconnecting with owner and friend Dan from my Urban Planning and Design days to yoga with Donna.  "Where is Love/Where is Home?" blog coming up soon…

]]><![CDATA[Spirit of Spring, Springs My Spirit]]>Sat, 02 Apr 2011 21:02:06 -0800http://www.yogamukunda.com/1/post/2011/04/spirit-of-spring-springs-my-spirit.htmlI've started a number of entries over the last handful of months and I just haven't had the discipline or mind-space to complete any of them.  I like writing, I enjoy getting my thoughts down, reflecting on the "what" of my life.  Our lives are filled with so many 'whats', 'whatnots' and 'whatevers' and these make up some manner of who we are.  In the end, I'm not sure how important these are.  What feels important is the 'what did I get from it' and 'what did I do with it' more than the 'what' itself.  What?  Doesn't that make sense?  Sharing the 'whats' can help us create some kind of identification within and around our world, but I know I don't strive to get caught up in the 'what'.  Just like the seasons, the 'what' falls away, dies, is reborn, changes over time, then falls away again.  The constant here is beyond the seasons, beyond the 'what' though these tangibles help to build a sense of navigation so long as we need it.  At some point, the map falls away and then all becomes one.  Ok, easier said than done.  I believe that's intended.  So, in the meantime, I've got lots to say!

Some of my blogs that got started but didn't get completed or posted:   Writings of my post-Headlands Center for the Arts mini-residency last October where I hit the wall of expectations with full force.  I was frustrated until I surrendered to the moment that seemed to be about something other than I knew.  It was a time to get frustrated at myself.  Somehow in the midst of that, or because of that, I had a nice break-through with my work.  I found that I was interested in getting back into figurative painting/drawing and I found a channel of expression that felt authentic!  I set an intention to create a painting for Stanlee (workplace boss) and I managed to do just that.  It's now hanging in our new conference room.   I also got to revisit Green Gulch for another Tea ceremony practice with Jaime.  Another missed blog opportunity:  I had written about my Thanksgiving in Cincinnati where my quiet visit included carving the holiday turkey for my parents (which I did all growing up because I used to enjoy it!!  I actually got a bit tempted to eat the turkey that day!!  That was wild.  I think that being tempted was more about sentimental feelings and an old habit reflex versus a real desire btw!  It was very interesting carving this creature as a vegan, doing this to be of service to my parents even though I wasn't thrilled that this poor bird was their dinner.  It was a practice that I'd learned through yoga philosophy where being of service to my parents overrode the 'what' of the moment.  I could have made a whole scene even though they get that I'm vegan, and well, it was Thanksgiving.  Rather than give another speech about ecology and all, I chose to continue my practice of attraction vs promotion -  I didn't partake in eating, and they get it).  I also got to visit my father's stem-cell research lab, saying hi to all the little mice that would soon be giving over their lives.  Guess that's mine and their karma....or was I meant to set them all free?!  I had started a blog about my New Years' non-resolution/resolution plan, acknowledging my lack of hatha practice yet my gain in integrating yoga in everyday life.  I took Les Leventhal's yoga workshops:  Karma Moffit accompanied a blissful asana practice on January 1 and then Les offered a workshop on yoga and recovery on January 2.  I was inspired and reflective about my own recovery journey with addictive behaviors, recognizing how much I've learned and how much I've integrated greater consciousness around my health and well-being AND acknowledging the messiness and mystery of this spiritual path.  I thought for sure I would finish my writings after the experience of having my sweet, 21-year-old cat, Micio put to sleep on February 17.  That was a turning point that awakened me even more deeply to this practice of life and death.  The journey of saying goodbye to a little friend was profound.  Our last minutes together assured me that he knew that it was his time to let go of this world, that he was ready to go and at peace with the fact that his little body needed assistance.  I hadn't even started to write about my Great Aunt's 100th birthday celebration on March 19 which included getting reacquainted with her neighbors and finally meeting her famous bunko friends in LA or the events of March at Stanlee Gatti Designs that were amazingly busy and all about trees!   And last but not least, I wanted to put some words together about the current events of our planet and people, particularly with Japan and Libya.  I'm not one to babble on about politics and news, but my angle is humanitarian and spiritual.  Sometimes I find that either helplessness or apathy overcome me with news of this sort, and then I become aware that prayer and faith are strong forces that have power to shift and heal.  They aren't enough on their own in this complex world, but they are strong components that can keep clear action fueled and channeled appropriately.  And as for this current writing that I'm doing, I'm not sure where this will go, will I finish.  But, it feels good to at least give it a go and intend to make it happen.  I like writing not just to note time, but to note the non-linear journey my spirit has traveled.  To connect the dots of my practice of being in this body, in this space of time.  To remember the importance of writing out my thoughts for my own healing and possibly for the entertainment or at best the healing of others.  If absolutely nothing else, I can say I'm feeling motivated.  I'm feeling inspired to write, to spring into some sort of higher action, and in my book, that's always a good thing!

A few mornings ago, I woke up and climbed out of my loft bed, started getting ready for the workday as usual, and then bam!  I nearly dropped to the floor in pain.  I was suddenly hit with sciatica that made any movement painful.  With great effort and deep breathing, I was able to arrange myself to be lying on my back with my knees propped up - 90x90 it's sometimes called.  I stayed for about 5 minutes, tried to move and realized I was still in tremendous pain.  Right then, I got back in touch with the pain I was carrying during my last dancing years.  Ugh.  I was shocked to find myself back in that position, literally.  I hadn't felt this for years!  I had started to notice this pain about a week prior during these busy weeks of March, but didn't think it would escalate.  Part of me thought the pain was associated with dancing and that since I stopped, I was immune.  Wrong.  I recognized that I needed to get back into a hatha/asana practice since I'd barely been keeping up a practice.  It had been because of this practice that the pain had diminished if not disappeared over these years.  But make note, I was practicing often.  Over this last year with my new job, if I got to one class a week, I felt triumphant.  Wild to be in that place after once practicing everyday back in my dancing years.  Even prior to my new job, I was practicing at least 3 times a week.  So there I was, wondering what was next.  Was this a set-back or a call-to-action?  The irony was that I had taken a class the night before and felt that it was a very healing class.  I felt really good after!  I took a nice warm shower and had a good night's sleep.  I woke up fine then all the sudden was struck with pain.  Does someone have a voodoo doll of me?!?!!  Have I done something bad to deserve this?!  Rather than spiral into a space of fear and doubt, I shifted my thoughts to believe that my body could heal itself, that a simple desire for things to change, could actually bring change.  I sent acceptance and love to my back and sciatic nerve and rested on my bedroom floor.  Luckily, I had woken up early for work so that I could meditate (which I've also fallen out of practice with), so I had time to be still.  This was actually the position I had meditated in for a while when I was unable to do a sitting practice.  So this was familiar and ok.  I stayed there for about 30 minutes.  Then, I figured it was worth a try to get up and see where I was, and I was able to get up with only mild pain.  I wasn't healed by any means, but the pain wasn't debilitating.  I had been ready to call in to work and say there was no way I could come in.  And then didn't need to.  During work, the pain was still there and it was hard to stand still at times.  Sitting and moving were fine, being still was painful.  Intersting, huh?  Tina my co-worker gave me the name and number of her body-worker and I called and made an appointment which I just had a few hours ago.  I thought, I've had tons of bodywork and I should look back in my rolodex for the perfect person to go to.  I should have a whole slew of people to call upon for healing work.  But here was an option, a path that only required a quick phone call.  "Take the path of least resistance" echoed in my mind.  There are no coincidences and it was meant for me to follow this lead.  "Just do it" was the other slogan I heard and well, it worked!  This was one of those a-ha moments that brought awareness again to self-care.  I need to take care of my body!!  I'm grateful to have the resources to afford this and to be humbled enough to accept this help.  I do have an invincible complex mixed with a self-sustainable force-shield that often keeps me from seeking out body-care.  And then there's that perfectionist part that wants to find the perfect person!  I am much more apt to seek out emotional care and the support of friends than I am for physical care.  I will say that I've required more connection with my emotional self over my lifetime than my physical self, so I need to build more practice with body-care.  Today's massage and acupuncture were fantastic!  It was truly divine work.  I love this kind of connection.  Ok, I'm committing to at least a monthly session.   That's me taking action!

Spring is also a good time to do a body cleanse.  I actually have the herbs to take to do this cleanse.  I bought them a few months back but I wasn't ready then.  I actually think I made a deal with myself that I'd wait till Spring.  Holy moly, Spring is here!!  I have to say that I'm in serious need for this.  My diet has gone a bit haywire.  I've been eating more sweets than I have in years.  Truly.  More pastries in particular.  A day doesn't go by that I don't have sugar.  Whether it's in my green tea soy latte (yes, from Starbucks I must admit.  They're so damn good!!) or the non-vegan sweets that I'm often responsible for buying for our conference meetings at 1208 - I'm drowning my digestive system with sugar.  I worked my way off of sugar about 9-years ago after an ankle sprain during my dancing years.  I was inspired to cut out all sugars to speed my healing.  Sugar prevents the absorption of vitamins and minerals and I figured I needed as much help to receive these nutrients for speedy recovery.  I was told that my sprained ankle would take 4-6 weeks to heal, and instead it healed well enough to dance on in 10 days.  Sort of.  On the 10th day during our opening night performance, I injured my back as I mentioned above.  I was successful in making it possible to use my ankle to dance, but possibly at the expense of my back which may have been compensating for my ankle.  Nonetheless, I had worked so hard to remove sugar from my diet and felt sudden benefit from doing it, that I chose to keep going.  It lasted nearly 4-years until I had stopped dancing and entered a new work-force where heavy travel and frustration with work-life brought me to find comfort in sweets again.  Well, at least that was my best excuse.  Now, I have no excuse except that I'm addicted to sugar again.  Am I ready to do this cleanse again?  If I do this herbal cleanse, I need to avoid sugars.  I know I can do it.  I'm just not certain that I'm 100% willing right in this moment.  That's what it takes.  Willingness.  As I know from my recovery work, I simply need to be willing to be willing.  Yes, I can at least be that.  Plus, I know that I can be amazingly disciplined.  What I see that I could also use is some support.  This would be a mix of emotional as well as support towards body-care.  Time to call on the help of friends!  Maybe I can see if anyone wants to join me on this cleanse, whether face-to-face friends or virtual friends.  Ok, the cleanse starts next weekend.  Anyone willing to join me?  We'll set up a plan.  It involves eating a primarily whole-food vegan diet, avoiding alcohol and sweets while taking herbs in capsules that are store-bought.  I'm reminding myself and I'm sharing with you, it doesn't have to be perfect.  Any attempt does the body good.  :)

Today's daily reading from Swami Satchidanada's writings compiled in "The Golden Present" speaks about loving the mosquito that bites you.  I read this passage in class this morning and continued to ask folks to call up their mosquito.  What is the thing that 'bugs' you that you wish didn't exist or more directly, that you wish you could squash.  The passage is all about true, unconditional love for all things.  This takes quite the leap to fully wrap a mind around, because much (or maybe all) of this world is set up in a dualistic way.  There is a side for good, and a side for bad.  A side for right and a side for wrong.  Our egos propel us to run to one of these sides, which may change throughout our life.  Can we possibly imagine a way of being with the world where we see everything dispassionately?  Where we can be released from judging one another?  I feel that until I can release this harsh judgement I have against myself, I will be limited in how much I can release judgement towards others.  I also feel that I can learn from how I am sometimes more generous with not judging others than I am with myself.  It goes back and forth.  I like how Swamiji said that we don't have to invite the bite, that we can shoo that bugger away. We can love the mosquito, we don't have to accept the poison.  Amazing how sometimes, I feel that I deserve the poison.  My mind is tricky.  I've noticed that when I'm not taking the best care of myself, I engage in that kind of thinking.  I don't feel that over-thinking is my problem.  Focusing on a state of lower consciousness and resting there for comfort has proven to limit me.   Giving into my desires without balancing my true longing for spiritual connection can keep me chasing my tail around a small cage with constant hunger.  Because I'm prone to compulsivity, I know that I need to do whatever I can do to take a step back, to widen the aperture of consciousness.  Spiritual practice is the only way I know how to do this.  That way I don't yell at the sugar cookie, I recognize it for what it is, accept it and move on.

It's spring!  Let's take action!  Feed the body/mind/spirit connection with the vitality and wellness that gives rise to our best self.  Be grateful for the resources available to us by not taking advantage of our clean water and food.  And if you're flowing with goodness whether in material or heart, share some of what you've got with your neighbors across the street or across the world.  Namaste y'all.
]]><![CDATA[An Invitation to Take Another Treat]]>Thu, 21 Oct 2010 21:06:58 -0800http://www.yogamukunda.com/1/post/2010/10/an-invitation-to-take-another-treat.htmlWhere:  Headlands Center for the Arts - Sausalito, CA.  What:  11-day Alumni Artist residency experience.  Why:  I'm here to paint, reconnect with nature and take time away from work after having had a busy event season.  As an Alumni Artist, part of the gift that keeps on giving is that I can stay out here for 2 weeks every year for as long as they have space and keep this aspect of the program.  Pretty sweet re-treat!  In some past years, I've come out here with artist and activist friends and this year, with a job transition, turning 40, etc, etc, it felt right to treat myself with this mini-residency for personal time and reflection.

I had a hard time getting out of the city and across the Golden Gate Bridge to get here.  It's maybe only 30 minutes out of the city, but it feels like I've prepared and packed for a trek half-way around the world.  It takes a lot to get away from work and life in the city in order to really be unplugged once getting out here.  I like to pack all the foods, snacks, teas, etc that I'll need so I don't even have to leave the area for anything.  I've got art supplies, books, laptop, food, music and my yoga mat.  Thanks to my roommate Gary, I do have a vehicle in case I do need/want to make a trip to the store down in Sausalito, but I'd like to just stay put, amongst the eucalyptus trees, art studios, Rodeo beach and trails.  It's always fascinating to me to see how much stuff I have when I pack for a trip like this, how much stuff I bring out here, how much stuff is still left at my home.  I remember the early days when I left Cincinnati for NYC and then moved out here to the Bay Area, I had a pretty small roomful of belongings.  THAT sure has changed - 10 years in the same apartment - accumulation!  It doesn't have to be the case, but it sure does seem to be a common outcome of settling in one space.  I have done several clearings of stuff, most recent was turning the living room into a yoga/meditation room last year - out with all the furniture - but I still have a good amount of stuff.  What do I really need?  When I travel, that question becomes so clear and interesting.  Sometimes I feel like I could get rid of everything else I own except what's with me in any moment!  If I didn't bring, I don't need it! 

But alas, I am attached.  I want the things I have.  I have attachments - to people, places and things.  Therefore, I have suffering - the first of the four noble truths in buddhism.  Also, an expression of yogic philosophy.  I relate my existence to the needing of these things.  I believe that if I don't have certain things, then I am not whole, I am not here.  I depend on all these things to help me identify who I am amongst the sea of others.  It's my way of claiming my humanness, it's my attachment to the ego - ahamkara in sanskrit terms.  And yes, that is where I am right now.  There is some importance to making this effort to recognize my place on this planet.  I honor that and sense that there is something here for me to learn, by being conscious with this mind space.  AND, I also recognize that it will always bring suffering because it is something outside of myself that I am looking to complete me, affirm me, it is something caught within the world of duality.  I'm not stressed out about this, I'm simply developing more consciousness around my experience here.  Around the choices that I make, around the ignorance and naivete that I've been protecting sub/unconsciously.  These are part of the stream of thoughts that pass, and pass, and pass - nothing that pins me down and threatens me.  It may seem contradictory, but this practice allows me to move to a more simple way of being.  I reflect and get that I could have a lot MORE things that I don't, so I've been willing to not need quite a few things up to now.  Has that happened because of circumstance or karma?  Either way, here I am.   And I imagine that my position on this will increase or decrease to a great or lesser extent depending on where my practice leads me.  My practice is to soften then remove my cravings for more, deepen my expression and exist in a state of acceptance, and be grateful for what I have in every manner of being.

Ok, back to what's in front of me - this residency.  I'd like to get into some painting while here.  I really haven't painted since last year and I consider it a meditation.  I've brought some paintings back with me and plan to work over/with them.  I did this one year and really enjoyed what came from painting over top of old paintings.  I enjoy creating layers, building on top of what's already been created.  It's archeological, it's psychological, it's about letting go and not being attached to my own work.  It's also just about trying to be happy with what I'm painting!  When I paint, I rarely have a specific plan of what I want to create.  I may have a few colors I know I want to work with, and maybe even a mood.  But beyond that, I like to make myself open to what my mind and body want to create.  I've never been a realist or even a very technical painter.  I'm an abstract painter responding to realism.  It's like wabi-sabi, the Japanese philosophical aesthetic of honoring what is, respecting the geometry of nature with asymmetry.  The imperfections amongst the perfection of nature is where beauty lies.  I honor the precision of form while being generous with organic expression.  I have a theme of balance in my work, yet I also like to challenge what I understand as balance.  Balance of curves and angles, shadow and light, color and contrast, form and space, narrative and abstract.  It's like a conversation with the painting rather than me telling the painting what I want it to do.  I follow my breath, listen for cues to be able to tell if my intuitive creativity is being released or if I'm imposing my preconceived ideas.  Such a challenge to be so present in this practice, but so liberating and informative.  This is when I get to recognize my yoga practice filling into more areas of my life.

I went to a Japanese tea ceremony demonstration with Stevebros on Saturday afternoon at the Asian Art Museum, the day before coming out here.  It was a beautiful experience in all ways.  I loved being there with my brother, sharing in a cultural experience that both of us have rarely shared, being present for the beauty of this practice, and tasting amazing Japanese sweets and matcha tea.  Last year while here at the Headlands, I was invited to be a guest at Green Gulch for one of Jaime's tea classes (Jaime - girlfriend of Keith, the Headlands chef).  I hadn't been that close to this experience before and always wondered about it.  So watching this ceremony at the museum was familiar yet unique at the same time.  The ceremony was given by 3 men, which is culturally very rare these days (the tea ceremony originated and was only performed by men when it first started).  It was cool to experience that.  I've been interested in learning the tea ceremony for a number of years and even applied for a residency in Japan some years back to learn to do this.  :( Didn't happen, but I can at least brag that I tried!  What I see here is a pattern, that I'm reminded how much I enjoy this formal presentation of tea - this elegant, physical expression of sharing history, art and kindness.  I get that I'm interested in so many things and sometimes it's just as well that I witness someone else doing it and I get to take a deep breath in to feel the experience, to allow that breath to bring me to that state where my own experiences are completely paralleled.  I relate the experiences I have had, like dancing, painting, or practicing yoga and then I interpret that experience for the new one I'm encountering, filling in the blanks of that experience I've not had with the wisdom of ones I've had.  So it's not exactly the same thing, but on an energetic level, I believe it is.  Even though I haven't gone the journey of learning to serve or receive tea, I have gone the journey of something else and relate the discipline.  The form is replaceable, the practice is the same.

After the tea ceremony, I got to go back to the Integral Yoga Institute where I was invited to be amongst the 4 monitors who are helping guide students during their teaching training.  I'm being of service, practicing karma yoga and keeping in relationship with the Integral yoga community, which is very important to me.  I have learned so much from being a teacher and it enriches my teaching when working with others.  I've been learning that everything enriches everything when I open the aperture of awareness as wide as I can.  Writing here is enriching my teaching, and my communication skills, and my connection to practice, to work, to friends, etc.  Being out here in the Marin Headlands gives me the space to really open my lens wide and clear.  I'm grateful for this and wish that I not take a moment for granted.  It's a welcome retreat, this invitation to take another treat from this platter of goodness!



]]><![CDATA[10-10-10]]>Mon, 11 Oct 2010 21:50:01 -0800http://www.yogamukunda.com/1/post/2010/10/10-10-10.htmlWell, it's been a long time since I've written here.  I miss this blogging space.  I reread my previous blog and I was actually surprised and slightly stunned at how candid I've been here.  Then I thought, how cool that I've felt right about sharing all that, that I wanted to share about the experience of this body, this mind.  After all, these are just words, and these are just concepts, and I'm just a body and mind doing my best to inform or at least entertain my soul along with whomever reads this blog.  It's personal yet I see it in a way that a speck of sand is related to the expansive beach - it's connected to 'the whole which is greater than the sum of its parts' kind of idea.  I'm working with the premise that there's nothing to hide while keeping rooted in the sensible balance of healthy boundaries, integrity and humility.  I have a duty, a service to offer by being exactly who I am.  I believe we all have that, we all have our purpose - to bring to the world our perfect self, which is perfect by the sheer fact that we were birthed into these bodies.  I know I didn't comprehend that or feel that for much of my life.  I always felt there was something to fix or something defective.  Then, when I lifted the weight of much of that through artistic and spiritual work, I got lighter and more clear, more connected to the vastness of life versus drowning in the pain of being a separate self, where I was feeling dreadfully unique versus joyfully unique.  I became less attached to thinking there was supposed to be anything different.  Kind of like when I get upset that the lines aren't moving more quickly or when I look at my debt or wish I could travel to exotic countries all the time instead of work.  I get frustrated thinking it's supposed to be different, or that it should be different.  I get to see that there's something I want to change, but maybe its something inside of me rather than outside, and  that it's likely happening just as it is for some useful reason.  My job is to work with it rather than against it, to bring light, healing and peace rather than war.  War seems to happen pretty spontanteously, so no need to work to create that.  Creating peace requires practice.

Yoga helps me to deepen into the awareness of this.  Without it, I've whirled off into a narrowing, harrowing existence that later proved to be NOT what my heart desired.  With yoga practice, my view of life broadens and my compassionate heart opens broadly to remember divine union of all.  And my heart and soul resonate with smiles so I know that is something that feels right for me.  I'm grateful to have found that cuz I was lookin for love in all the wrong places for so many years!  Sometimes, like lately I feel like I'm somewhere in between and not being at my best.  But even THAT has something to offer, so I'm being right where I am, doing what I can to keep my conscience above water.  I'm dealing with my perfectionism and humility, with self-judgement and self-awareness.  These continue to be the things that help me awaken - the famous image of the lotus emerging from the murky water.

Writing has proven to be a healing practice, much like yoga where the practice of gathering words to express my experiences actively challenges and liberates me and brings me closer to being in my truth.  Sharing, even if to an unknown cyber community, is healing in and of itself.  I'd like to stop and say thank you to all who are reading, thank you for connecting.  Also a big thank you to the internet for providing a space to release writings like this.  Even if it's not read, it gets put out there….caught just by the fact that it's connected in this world-wide-web.  Much like how prayer works.  Sometimes, you don't know if it's making a difference but out of faith or desperation, it gets put out there.  The sheer act of sending out prayer ripples an energy of compassion and love that is definitely felt, definitely effective.  And that's been scientifically proven, right here in SF in fact in a 1982-1983 study.  Click here - (see page 5)

It's October.  10-10-10.  That wonderful date inspired me to start writing here again.  So cool there are neat things like that that bring inspiration.  Numbers, constellations, dates, art, music, poems, math, swamis, friends, healing foods, trees, birds…oh the list goes on and on…  Writing really is its own practice of finding the self.  I benefit so much from taking time to gather my thoughts and to reflect in a more conscious way.  And maybe this brings benefit to someone.  I pray this could be of service, or maybe this is helping me work to be of service in other ways in my life.  Time will tell.  And back to October.  This means we're about to celebrate Halloween, then vote, then give thanks on Thanksgiving, then the winter holidays, then poof - another year.  Amazing.  Either time flies or we just simply forget - we have so many experiences or not enough experiences or we're not being present in our experiences and it feels like we're missing out on all the moments, all the moments that happen and pass, begin and happen, pass and end, months gone, years merge into the next.  Since the reality is that time doesn't really change speeds (except when we do the daylight savings thing or invent time machines), it must be us.  We get older and time seems to move more quickly.  I wonder if I often ask myself "how did it get to be fall" everytime it's the fall.  Maybe I do forget.  Maybe I'm attached to time passing a different way.  Maybe time doesn't really make sense as a measurement.

Speaking of time, I sure have developed a new relationship to that with my new job.  So as I mentioned in that last blog from April, I left my job doing travel for music fans and started a new job in May with an events company here in SF - one that I've free-lanced with since I moved here in 1996.  It's been an awesome transition for so many reasons.   This new career has also been a journey into learning how to keep balance in my life.  I can say with confidence that it's because of this new position that I took a break from writing blog entries.  Because of how busy I became, and how zapped I felt from this new work, I didn't have the energy or mindspace to write.  I was directing all of my energy into being present with the work.  I was occassionally pretty nervous and had so much to take in that I just had to let the blogging go for the time being.  I figured I'd get back to it sooner or later.  Didn't figure it would take this long, but oh well, what's time?  :)  And even with yoga practice, sometimes taking a break proves to be beneficial.  I've often found that when I return from a break in practice, I've learned something pretty significant.  My goal certainly isn't to think that I need to take breaks in order to learn, I'm just working to move forward by accepting versus criticizing.

I think that's all for now.  It's now 10-11-10.  I took a break from writing and picked back up today, Columbus day.  And soon it will 10-12-10, etc. and somethin will inspire me to write again.  That's just how it goes, or at least how it's gone up to this moment...and I'm grateful for this moment, just as it is.

Take this moment to breath in what brought benefit, exhale what didn't.  3 more deep breaths with closed eyes.  And now open your eyes.
]]><![CDATA[Finishing the Beginning of the End of Where it Started]]>Tue, 04 May 2010 22:08:38 -0800http://www.yogamukunda.com/1/post/2010/05/finishing-the-beginning-of-the-end-of-where-it-started.html(This blog was originally written on April 14, 2010.  I wasn't able to post so I'm playing catch up here. More blogs will be posted in the next day or two from my April journeys.)

This is my last trip overseas for this year as I know it.  As I'm writing, I'm high in the sky, listening to Whitney Houston's new album, "Nothing But Love" and feeling in the groove.  It's the only other album I've actual bought of hers after her first album that released when I was 14 or 15.  These are bookends to my journey at this moment.  My iTouch (thank you Sara) is filled with nearly all spiritual/yoga-related music, and then Whitney tunes.  Her music resonates on the same line for me.  Her gospel background is present in her life and songs and I can hear the love and prayer of spiritual devotion, whether it sounds like its directed to a person or to a supreme being - the words can be interpreted as you choose.  Since I first listened to her music as a teenager and as it connects my memories like guide posts to the "many places in my life and times," I feel a sense of spiritual journey simply based on reflection.  (see previous blogs: "Back From Running Away" and "Having lunch with Melissa, Whitney and Greg.")  There's so much about Whitney these days in my blogs since that's what the many hours of my days are filled with as I help coordinate Platinum Travel Experiences for guests from all over the world.  Now heading to Dublin for 2 groups, then 2 groups in London.  I've been to Dublin only one other time with this work, escorting a group of Rolling Stones fans to a soggy but amazing concert at Slane Castle.  I've been to London a small handful of times, also for Rolling Stones groups in different years.  I'm excited to return to both cities for a bit longer of a time in each.  What a cool ride this has been!

I've racked up lots of miles from flying and get excited thinking how I plan to use these for a return trip to India next year.  I'm thinking about taking an intermediate yoga teacher-training course with Integral yoga in Coimbatore next January.  Several others from Integral Yoga SF are talking about this as well.  We want to keep building on the training we started last year, keep the learning going, keep the practice strong for our own practices and as teachers.  I'm grateful to have this work that I do just for the miles alone!  - A free trip across the globe for yoga training!  Thank you Fan Asylum!  It makes it all worth the journey which I leave without hanging on with resentments and unresolved issues (I think).  I remember this is how I felt when I left Joe Goode Performance Group after an 8 year career, and when I stopped dancing.  I had a good handful of issues while dancing and in my last year I felt many resolve, including a heart-opening of only love for Joe, and only love for myself versus the harsh critic I had been. Tapping into my peace helped direct me onward,  along with the screaming signal being my physical body pain.  Becoming a yoga teacher has brought together all of my life's experience into one channel of my highest self.  It's felt like all the pieces of all I've done have been quilted together for the purpose of sharing through yoga.  Dancing, making art, struggling through addiction and recovery, happy and sad relationships, difficulties and celebrations, everything high, medium and low - all shared when I teach in my own quietly large way…or largely quiet way.  :)

Traveling.  Am I addicted to it?  I do love to imagine when my next trip will be, sometimes to the point that I'm already gone before I leave, or I'm still away even when I come home.  Generally, it's rarely more than a couple of months away that a trip will come up for work, family or even a visit to the Headlands Center for the Arts in Sausalito, CA for a retreat.  This has nearly been the case since my first touring experience in 1983 as a student of SCPA in Cincinnati.  Aside from my college years, I have traveled each year more than I could have imagined when I first started.  And it's been especially fun for me because these destinations have all come by surprise - not chosen like one would for vacation.  For the most part, they've been assigned by touring management, whether for theater and dance, or popular music tours of these recent years.  Granted, mostly I've been to major cities so there's much of the planet yet to be explored; however, covering every inch of the planet isn't my goal.  It's simply about GETting to travel, taking a step out of my routine and into another place, learning how to feel that sense of inner home no matter where I am, or being challenged to feel this when part of me snaps into an old childhood place of escape and rebellion.  That's the yoga of traveling - meeting that point of resistance and seeing what I do with it, breathing and acknowledging.  For work,  I go where the schedule says to go, trusting it's exactly where I need to go for my next journey, next awakening.  Or when family calls, like my many visits to LA to visit my now 99-year old great aunt, or to Cincinnati to visit my Mom and Dad, I get challenged with showing up as my adult, present-day self, versus the young, lonely child, often expressed by inner-acting out than showing signs of these emotions outwardly, verbally.  What's informative to recognize is how much of my forward motion has been directed from outside elements versus inner impulse.  But I also recognize that so much of my life has equally been guided by an inner voice that I have trusted and appreciated.  How often do I take the path of least resistance, or another way to say it could be - the path of the outside wind before checking in with my inner voice?  And vice-versa?  I'm learning to discern which current to take, but I wonder how much it's been nature versus nurture here.

Traveling became exciting and enticing as a child because I got to leave a family home that I wasn't too thrilled to be in.  I got to be taken out of classes and grew to feel special because of that.  Feeling special was so important to me, sometimes still is.  Ok, maybe I always like feeling special.  But I can truly say I like when ALL of us feel special.  I'll need to meditate on this to check-in about feeling separate versus special.  There's nothing wrong with feelings just as there's nothing wrong with traveling.  It's what happens in me, around them.  Am I using them to escape or to become expansive, truthful.  Same thing with sex or food - There's nothing wrong with either of those in and of themselves.  Where is the line where sexual connection/behavior brings true happiness and peace about oneself, happening as a natural expression, and where it causes separation of self, acting as a higher power and a distraction from pain and loneliness? When does eating become an unconscious act versus a very conscious act of what the body needs for sustenance and good health?  Often, I can find myself using food as reward, punishment or to drown feelings or even create bodily pain from over/under-eating, creating a real sensation, dulling response to other uncomfortable feelings.  Does it feel like a never-ending road of settling, or does it feel like each day is a new beginning?  Or a new beginning but with the same ending?  Or does it feel unknown and curious?  Drugs, drinking, gambling, stealing, cutting, lying, compulsive sex or denial of sex, over/under-eating, debting, being Republican (sorry, just kidding) and many others are all similar things to question like this.  Where does it all begin?  Does it end?  Are we always beginning each day anew?  Is there any meaning or purpose to finding the "right" choice for ourselves, our community?  As I learned from my Spirit of Life family and what helps me greet life with grounded innocence and devotion, is this phrase that keeps me off the loop of insanity:  "Each new sun that rises, never rose before."  

For right now, I celebrate the opportunities I've had to travel and perform and to have had that opportunity as a young person.  It helped me dive into life and dive into many emotions that have enriched my being.  Yes, traveling awakens my desire for anonymity in the world, to be disconnected from obligation and discipline, but it also opens the doorway to meet new parts of myself, to see what I gravitate towards when feeling less restrictive.  What stays strong, is my commitment to yoga, being vegan, meeting new people and having quiet time.  What gets aroused is my desire for anonymous sex, over-spending on food and consuming sugary foods, and feeling separate.  I'm learning to not judge either as good or bad, just that they are there as messengers and I do my best to greet them with honesty and openness.  I do this with the help of my tools of sharing, writing, meditating, bringing all into my practice of yoga.

I thank my parents for seeing the artistic calling in me, for allowing me to follow this part of my life's quest, this thirst for traveling away from home.  I'm sure it was my path to start this early curiosity, which did include early addictions.  Emotions can be a lot to handle, especially when young and not well equipped with life experience.  I think this can be true at any age really.  Age isn't really the factor so much as life-experience and karma (that just inspired me to blog my thoughts on karma!  another time.  For now I'll just casually throw that in there:) I definitely promote an arts education for children.  Consider keeping the arts a viable part of society by supporting either an artist, company, or organization that you know.  It pays you back more than a value can be placed on money.  But I digress.  I love to travel and see the world.  See the people of the world.  Be myself amongst this world.  It reminds me that we're all one, great, fantastic global family with the same issues, same suffering, same happiness - just wrapped up in different packages, different vibrations and different ideologies at the very least.  

This is the last trip as I know it.  So I plan to let it have it's own life balanced with my inner guides mission. This is the final packages for the Whitney tour as we know it, and my final packages with Fan Asylum as I know it!  I'm just at the starting line of these last weeks, landing in Dublin around 7am for the start of the day.  I'm Finishing the Beginning of the End of Where it Started! ]]><![CDATA[Having Lunch with Melissa, Whitney and Greg]]>Sun, 02 May 2010 20:53:05 -0800http://www.yogamukunda.com/1/post/2010/05/having-lunch-with-melissa-whitney-and-greg.html(I've been traveling the month of April and wrote while away but didn't manage to post.  The following blog was written on April 7th.  I'll be adding one per day or so, which were also written during April, mostly from plane rides which provided the easiest, non-distracted time to write. If it brings you any enjoyment, I'll be doubly happy since it was a necessary practice for ME to stay somewhat grounded while far away...and high up.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apr 7th

I'm about an hour away from returning to SF from a 2-plane journey from Paris.  I was supposed to just stay over in Paris until the next work trip in Dublin, but I chose to take my week off back at home to work on an upcoming project that needs my attention. I know, Paris would be more fun, but I had to be practical and frugal and open the aperture of life wide to get a sense of the whole picture.  I do love Paris and have been a handful of times.  I'll get to go back.  And besides, my sweet friend Franck is going to be out of town, so might as well wait for another time.

I just finished reading, "Three Cups of Tea" written by Greg Mortonson.  Amazing story.  I'm thinking about the question that I sometimes have played with friends: "If you could have lunch with one person in all the world, who would it be?"  Right now, it's Greg.  I feel inspired and fueled to really think through my purpose on this planet, in this lifetime.  Through what was a mis-turn of a path while on a major hiking expedition in Pakistan, Doctor Greg (as the villagers called him) manifested a dream of building schools for children, specifically to bring education to young girls.  I felt that his trust, courage and determination became so strengthened from his life-experience, that these honorably fueled him through some incredibly dark moments and burst him into some phenomenal moments of the brightest and clearest visions.  His mission is "books not bombs'' as he sees education as the key to simultaneously dissolve the structural house of terrorism while opening doors for a home of peace.  I am moved toward this type of service to others.  I feel more motivated to stay alert and clear on my path, staying close to what inspires and compels me to rise to be my highest self.  I even just feel elated having finished a book, any book!  Accomplishment!  No success is too small.  I have so many books I'm in the middle of, it's nice to have one read from cover to cover that I've been wanting to read for a while (I'm gonna take that as a message and learn from the feelings of reaching completion with something.  Something I tend to have difficulty with). Please read Greg's book.  And if you have, what did you get out of it?

I was in Paris for the start of Whitney Houston's European tour, working for Fan Asylum, the company I've been with for over 5 years as an event coordinator and travel manager in SF.  This has been a pop-up career that came my way after I stopped dancing.  I don't know that I would have ever chosen to do this type of work but it's proven to be a perfect fit for the while.  I've loved (and been frustrated at times) being a part of this unique fanclub-based music path.  I've experienced so much joy as a performer and artist, and now I see myself being able to help facilitate an experience for people who want to feel connected with something that resonates so wildly in their hearts.  I hadn't been a big concert-goer until this work, and now I love it.  I love the artists and fans that I've set these packages up for anyway.  So great how life unfolds and offers surprises.  Why would I want to try and control every turn, every rise, every fall?  It's all been here to guide my heart and my spirit to learn what I'm made of, what I'm here for.  My practice is to diligently work on what my senses download, my heart and mind interpret, and the connection made of this with spirit in order to move toward deeper and deeper compassion - for myself first so that I have a humble reference point of humanity through a first-hand lens.  Otherwise, it might feel patronizing and could lead to being judgmental.

On that note, back to Whitney.  She made a come-back album that released last September with news of a tour to follow in 2010.  I love her album, even hooked on a few of songs in particular (I Look to You, Call You Tonight, I Didn't Know My Own Strength) and the excitement of her appearing on stage and building Platinum Travel Experiences around her concert was particularly exciting for me.  I'm winding down my days of travel and work with Fan Asylum and this makes a nice parting gift.  I'm a fan who followed Whitney's early days, dropped off in the middle (mostly wasn't following any pop artists for a while.  And I knew of her Bobby Brown days but didn't give too more thought or TV-watching to that since I got it), and now I return with huge admiration.  She's working through some major trials and tribulations in this life and she has kept in tact and today holds her head up high.  I admire her.  Her song, "I Didn't Know My Own Strength" states that she tumbled, but didn't crumble.  That's right.  You tell us.  I think about Pema Chodrin's book, "When Things Fall Apart" and how that references the deepest understandings that come when we experience some of our darkest areas of ourselves, when our grasp on all that was familiar and comforting is lost, when we fall apart and our eyes begin to see things anew.  The falls exist and have value.  I wouldn't say it's necessarily good to fall apart, but to deny it would be more painful than to go through and beyond it.  It's up to each of us to recognize what extent we learn from our falls and at what duration, what depth, what intensity.  Not looking for drama, looking for reality.

Blogs back I spoke of when I ran away from home at 16.  A detail from then that I'll share (without embarrassment these days:), is how I credit Whitney as a turning point for me at that time.  After almost 2-weeks of being away, and recently letting go of most of my belongings, I spent an afternoon in a park in Savannah, GA contemplating my next hours.  It was a sunny afternoon on the morning after an attempted journey toward the ocean as I prepared for suicide.  I was out of money and emotionally ready.  But then as I listened to her album, something started to shift.  As I was sitting there with my duffle filled with a journal, a jacket, a small tube of toothpaste and a walkman with Whitney's first album - my sole possessions, I noticed across the way a baseball game being played by a bunch of kids from this all-black neighborhood.  They were laughing, enjoying their game on this sunny day in the heart of a poor area of the city.  "The Greatest Love of All" played on my cassette walk-man, and with the video of watching this happy game while sitting on the patchy grass, under the sun by a tree with nearly nothing to claim as my own, I felt a sense of clarity and peace like I hadn't known before.  Something felt perfectly right. I heard the words of someone saying they believe the children are our future.  My heart let me believe it about the kids I was seeing playing that day, but up until then, I hadn't seen it for me.  And then it happened in that moment that I could believe that that was meant for me too.  I had tears rolling down my face realizing that I wanted to live, I wanted life.  I just needed it to be different - I needed to see it differently and learn to not judge myself so harshly - to learn to accept myself for who I am, for being gay.  In that moment, I could do it.  That wasn't what ultimately brought me home, but it most definitely was the turning point where I feel like I got to choose life.  How many of us get that moment where we actually CHOOSE to be here versus just being here and taking it for granted.  When I find myself doing that these days, I take a moment and remember those 16 days back in 1987.  (See Blog:  "Back From Running Away")

So even though Whitney had to cancel her show last night because of illness, I still believe in her.  Even though there we were ready to have an awesome concert day with our group of travelers who'd traveled from Japan, Brasil, Canada, Lebanon, Holland, Sweden, Switzerland, Spain, UK and the US,  everyone shared they still love her and hope the best for her.  The majority of our group bonded and I spent a fair amount of time with them than I usually do with our groups, primarily because the show didn't happen, but also because they were a great group of people.  We all bonded and at the very least we believe we'll all stay in touch.  Will we really?  Who knows.  I do know that it was a wonderful experience that wasn't at all what we had planned (another testament to life's natural flow - we're so not in control).  Whitney was to be the centerpiece, but instead, the bond of the group being together in Paris with the intention of meeting Whitney but didn't became the centerpiece.  I would love to have lunch with Whitney, though the closest I may get was a sweet dinner with our Paris travelers on that wished-for concert night of April 6th.  That's pretty darn close in the scheme of things!

Right before leaving for Paris, I was in Palm Springs for our Melissa Etheridge Palm Springs travel package.  We had our usual travel package group plus a special "Sweet 16" birthday party celebrating 16-years of the fan club, Melissa Etheridge Information Network (M.E.I.N.). It was an amazing couple of days.  All went as planned and we had a very happy group of folks.  Nearly 250 at the Sweet 16 party, and just over 40 for our travel package.  We had some travelers from the UK and Germany, but otherwise mostly from the states.  I have been coordinating and hitting the road for Melissa travel packages for almost 3 years now, all over the US.  I LOVE Melissa.  As an artist, a messenger of love, and a courageous woman unafraid to speak her mind.  I didn't start off as a big fan, and really just knew some about her through my years-ago roommate LIz who likes her.  But after seeing her in concert my first time, I was sold.  Then meeting her and watching her in action with her fans during meet & greets and Q&A's, I was completely hooked.  She is real through and through.  She's not a poster of someone else's making.  Her fans are loyal, dedicated fans and I've come to know quite a good handful of them.  It's a very loving and sweet community…filled with all the personalities of any community.  I can honestly say that I feel blessed to know all of whom I know.  I feel blessed to receive this wonderful gift of offering meaningful experience to others.  I'm being of service.  Rather than judge if this is the right thing, if I should be elsewhere, I'm focusing on what I AM doing, and letting the rest go for now.

Ok, so I haven't had lunch with Melissa either, but I sure think it would be pretty cool.  And of all the famous people I know, it's fun to know that I could nearly ask her myself.  Ok, so I wouldn't even do this, but I'm still within proxy to be able to ask.  I would want to hear more about her interest in the environment, have some dialogue about her perspective and how she takes action [I've been managing the "Green Tips" page on her website:  www.melissaetheridge.com/greentips (currently under construction)].  What if all 3 of the folks on my list sat down for lunch?  THAT would be a fun lunch to be at.  Ok.  I'm not sure if I'd REALLY want to have this lunch, or any of these lunches, but the idea of connecting with people I am inspired by is important.  That I know.  And really, they don't have to be stars or people out of reach.  They can be people we already know, like our family, friends, neighbors…even strangers next to you on a plane.  There is this myth that what we need we don't have yet and it's far out of reach.  I've talked with some of our music fanatics who wouldn't be happy until they had first row tickets.  Then they have those and they want to meet the artist.  Then they meet the artist and they want to…well, have lunch with them.  Maybe it ends at some point for many people, but I've experienced a never-ending desire for things that will never truly satisfy.  Happiness is something withIN each of us.  Peace is within us all.  We're often just so distracted that we can't find it let alone imagine what it means to create it.  So the outward journey is the long and winding road to the inner one.  At least that's what I have found.  I get distracted so easily myself.  That's why I need to keep a practice of yoga and meditation never too far away from each day.  Om Nahah Shivaya!]]>