It was 24 years ago today that I returned from having run away from home. What a journey of journeys and particularly poignant having just returned from being in Cincinnati days ago. Running away unknowingly helped sprout a spiritual path at a fairly early age and I still reflect back on all that that was about - it was a significant marker in this lifetime, one that has helped me listen to my inner-most voice. I find that I still "run away" sometimes when I need space, when I feel overwhelmed with life and it takes the form of me backing away from people, places and things. The way I see it now, I'm running toward rather than away mostly. This just happened recently and rather than feeling the hopelessness around it like I once did, I recognize the desire to move toward truth and self-preservation - running toward clarity and open space. Last summer I ran toward a yoga teacher training in Yogaville where I was immersed in practice and ashram life for a month. I consciously took this month away from my phone, email and SF routine, allowing a break from life as I knew it.  I'd been wanting to do a teacher training but had always worried about cost, was this the right place to train, etc. It was a phenomenally healing time for me and in some ways I'm still returning. It created such a positive and powerful shift and I'm so grateful I took this leap of courage and faith. Some friends may not even recognize much change in me, some recognize it because I may not have made any or much contact with them still. I'm not afraid of making bold changes in my life in order to go deeper in my quest to know myself. I'm also not afraid to apologize and make changes again. I strive to find the best tools I can to make these changes and to do it more gracefully and thoughtfully in my life. I may not be there yet, but I keep arriving each day and today is a beautiful day.

Primarily, I ran away as a teenager because I came to terms with the fact that I was gay and that it wasn't going to change. I had been aware of feeling different since 3 or 4 years old. My mom tells of times when she'd come to pick me up from day care to find me all dressed up with wigs and dresses. She said she didn't shame me about it and just said, "Marc, it's time to go." I'm so grateful for her acceptance then and now. It reminds me of my cousin Krissy and her oldest son who at about age 3 came home one day and said he wanted a dress. His loving parents tried to work around what to do, but Zach was insistent. So they bought him a dress to wear around the house. That was a brief phase and wore off after a short time and I just love that they went with it rather than work to tell him this was wrong. I guess my phase didn't exactly wear off and that brings me back to my story. I'm very happy being who I am, I just think I was learning about gender and identity within a world that even as a youngster felt narrow and limited.

I didn't want to deal with the realization of my sexuality and running away was a solution and the initial part of a suicide plan. Like many teens who are without support and healthy guidance around sexuality let alone being gay, I felt lost, alone and worthless. Even though I had many friends, maintained nearly all A's in classes and had a place to express my artistic talents (SCPA), I didn't care. It all felt false. Nothing mattered because I saw that being gay was the worst thing possible and negated all other parts of myself.  This gay "part of me" was taking over and felt painfully real and shameful. I truly don't remember messages I got from my friends or family that being gay was awful, but more that that's the way that I judged it. Must have come from somewhere, I just don't remember. Having a negative take on the gay topic is much like what many people share, many who are afraid and otherwise ignorant to what it means to be gay and therefore feel better by disallowing equal rights, keeping gay people in the second-class or less category, scaring many to stay in the closet whether a young teen or a married adult on Wall Street. Maybe I just got it from our culture at large - not hard to receive it there. I've learned that a lot of us hide from all sorts of things because we fear something, maybe something that's not really scary or bad, but we've turned it into a monster, or someone told us it was a monster. I've run away many times in life to hide, only to turn back and see that I'm running and hiding from myself.

I've shared my story of running away as a 16-year old many times (therapeutic settings and with friends), and I often consider sharing it in larger contexts.  I often feel that sharing my story may be of service to other young gay teens in particular. And being of service is one of the greatest, most real actions that I've learned to take. 12-step recovery work guides us towards the 12th step which is all about service. Practicing and teaching yoga is service to myself and others in order to bring healing and peace within and around. I'm grateful to have these tools to help me dance freely through this miraculous lifetime. I'm grateful to have come back from running away, grateful to have safely made it through because so many don't. As my spiritual counselor from years back acknowledged, I got to choose to be here when I chose not to commit suicide. I choose to be here, for all the joys and sorrows of this life. They're here to teach me and us. May the teachings of life guide us to discover our true spirits before we believe life's lessons are our enemy and we strike to kill in all the creative ways we can whether with word, thought or action. With Shiva's help, may we destroy that part of our ego that is filled with ignorance but save the body, the sacred temple that houses our true nature until it's sweet resting time comes with our last blessed breath. Welcome back. Welcome home. Welcome spiritual practice.