Part of my recent years' practice has been to recognize that I am not my thoughts or my feelings - a concept learned from various meditation practices, easier said than done. Thoughts and feelings do not define me, make up who I am or determine my value - that's my news on a good day.  On a tough day, I drown in my feelings and thoughts, attach intense meaning to them, and generally bounce back and forth between fear of going crazy and desire to close off from the world. At this moment, I see thoughts and feelings as a stream of energy that move me, move through me and I choose if I hang on to them or let them go, let them move down along the river of consciousness or fill like wading pools around parts of my body.  In the yoga nidra (deep relaxation) portion of hatha class, I enjoy making various references when speaking about the association with our thoughts.  One of my favorite ones came to me during my New Year's getaway to Half Moon Bay with Sara.  I was looking at the ocean waves crashing along the beach and paying attention to how expressive and dynamic the waves were as they crashed against the shore.  Then I looked a bit beyond to see the rippling waves, rolling, preparing to make their crash.  Then I looked beyond that and saw nearly still ocean waters, subtle ripples gliding across the ocean's surface.  Beyond that it seemed completely still.  And finally my eyes reached beyond that to the horizon line where the ocean and sky met.  I looked at that horizon line and my eyes watched the hugeness of the ocean and the bigness of the sky become one.  I got lost in it…….

From that experience, I drove into the city to teach my class at Integral Yoga and created a parallel with our thoughts - our thoughts being the crashing waves.  I guided the students to go beyond and see the rippling water where our thoughts prepare to be expressed.  To go beyond that to see the quiet waters and be with the stillness. Then to look further and further until I asked them to dissolve the horizon line between ocean and sky and to be there, where there are no thoughts and no reason.  Like the line from Rumi that my friend Estella has on her email signature right now:  "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and righting, there is a field. I will meet you there." -Rumi

When I get into that quiet space, I get to really move deeply into the question, "Who Am I" and I release myself from identifying on a small scale of big ego and open to the larger screen of consciousness.  I also have learned that part of how I get to answer this question is to feel my feelings deeply and to explore my thoughts thoughtfully. Referencing last week's blog, it's not a running away from what's there, but a running toward what's clear in order to have greater awareness. The key word for me is "clear". I must have clarity and be able to distinguish distraction from right-interaction in order to make progress on this journey of the self.  Otherwise, I'm practicing the art of denial, the skill of deception and the willfulness of my small self.  Distraction could range from eating and speaking poorly, to following even the most modest of destructive habitual patterns of body or mind. Transformation could range from creating quietness around physical and mental activities, changing careers in order to move to right-livelihood, to creating a new habit of arriving early for appointments.

When I practice yoga and mediation, I get to connect with the passing of so many thoughts and feelings and I learn to watch them pass by without the need to react or respond to them. As they arrive, within seconds new ones arrive. Sometimes I test this around craving and desire to see if these will pass.  And they do!  I get to ask myself what in me is calling for these things.  And what will I truly satisfy by giving what I'm asking. Thinking the action through…following the thought or feeling until it moves into another one…and then another.

Tonight I went to hear Julia Butterfly Hill speak about her experience in Luna, how she faced her fears and discovered her voice, how she stood up for what her heart called her to do. It was completely inspiring, empowering and sweet to see her again.  Talk about having lots of thoughts and feelings! What in the world would it be like to be in an ancient redwood tree for 738 days and become rooted in protecting nature and our relationship to it! She said that the overriding lesson she gained was to love - to have her heart burst open to the beauty and wonder of this gift we get to feel.  Now Love is one feeling that I'm ok with letting pool around my body!  Seeing her, listening, being in the crowd, I felt a lot of feelings, had a lot of thoughts - quite a few have stayed with me, including love for this life. I'll do my best to meditate on them and see where they want to go.  I feel excited and know that even these great, empowering feelings will pass.  If I'm not clear on my purpose on this planet, or at least in my community, I know that I could get anxious,  overwhelmed and feel stuck. I also know that trying to think about this too much this late at night isn't good for preparing for sleep! It's time to rest the mind and body and have a night mediation before bed.  Rest it all.  Rest it all.  Good thing the body gets exhausted and we have to sleep, let go of this world, where we can release our hold of our conscious thoughts and feelings for a while, opening the door to other worlds.  I'm ready to take my nightly vacation to the land of slumber. May there be love there and everywhere...