On the plane now, heading back to San Francisco on this Valentine's day 2010. I'm suspended in deep thoughts, feeling gratitude for all the people in my life, feeling loved as I ride high in the clouds of these quiet skies. I have such a soft spot in my heart for Cincinnati and it's even softer after this visit. I'm basking in all the sweetness I experienced there. Being in the air, on a plane, is often an introspective experience. I often meditate, journal and stare out the window in amazement of this world, in awe of the way clouds look like fluffy snow or ocean waves or cotton balls - in awe of the world I get to see through my eyes. On occasion, I catch the plane movie (which sometimes is the only time I'll get caught up with the current major motion films), or I'll read or listen to music. Sometimes I have a book in my lap and I'll read a few pages then it shuts along with my eyes. Then I awake and read the same pages and drift again. I like to think that I'm digesting what I've read. In this case, I'm reading Swami Satchidananda's, "To Know Your Self." I like how it's organized in short sections on life's topics. Usually I can stay awake through several sections and truly need to take breaks to take it all in. Today's reading started with thoughts on family, which is just where I happen to be in the book…just where I happened to be in my thoughts.

Thankfully, I don't fly millions of miles a year, but I do easily get into the thousands which has been the case for much of my adult life. Previously it was for dance work, now for event work. I'm grateful for the opportunity to get to experience this. It's a huge carbon footprint and I'm still working on how I feel about that/what to do about that…Carbon emissions off-sets are the only thing that I know, but I honestly forget about it and need to admit that I can do better to remember.

Time with my parents helped me remember the importance of our relationship and I believe it also helped to establish a new connection of respect, appreciation and love. We're an odd bunch in some ways, but our bond is one of the truest ones I know. My mom in particular has been through so much and I am completely humbled by her. My step-dad (who I call dad) has also not had an easy journey and the laughter and joy that are so much a part of his nature testify this greater take he has on what life is about. It's nice to see him laughing again. My mom has a quieter, softer energy after recent changes to her health and it brings tears to my eyes to see her vulnerable little self being so meek and subdued along with the early stages of a hand tremor. I almost feel pain around how much I care for both of them and for the first time, I can say it's a bit hard to be so far away from them. I have longing to see my brother join in this family bonding and pray that whatever is needed will happen for our family.

Catching up on Friday where I left off on my previous blog entry:
I had a bit of time to chill and I went to Aquarius Star and Om Cafe to hang out. Since lunch with Alan didn't get to happen and after a mini-shopping spree at Park and Vine, I needed to eat. Donna had pointed this place out because it was a new spot for me. I walked in and recognized the guy behind the counter as a fellow DAAP student from years back. It was Lauren and we had fun remembering the old days and compared how we've traded places with our hair - he now has hair all the way down his back! He pointed out Lydia who owns the place and I knew I recognized her but it wasn't until we were staring each other in the face and straining to figure out how we knew each other did we burst into joy remembering that we worked together at Kaldi's coffeehouse years back. She owns Aquarius and has a 14-year old daughter who happened to be helping out that day and was my server. The place is airy and relaxing…which I took full advantage of for about 4-hours! I sat at one of the community tables to do emailing and work on blogging. I'm really getting into this! It's taken the place of my journal and I kinda like journaling this way. Not even sure how many people are reading this so I don't feel weird about it at this point. It's convenient and I like it.

After I ordered lunch, I called my biological father as I agreed to do after I reconnected with him by email before setting off for this February trip. We had been out of contact for almost 3 years and I've been planning to initiate contact for a while. Nothing bad had happened, we just fell out of touch when so much of my energy and Cincinnati visits were all about helping my mom and step-dad over the last couple of years. I had a slight resentment that I hadn't heard from him but since we barely have a relationship, it honestly would have been more odd if I would have heard from him. When I called from Aquarius, he said he was able to come meet me in 30 minutes. Wow, that's great! So I was happy to hang out and wait. There was another guy working at the community table and we ended up chatting a bit after I thanked him for the third time for watching my computer when I went away to go to the bathroom, talk on the phone and put more money in my parking meter. We had great conversation and he even ended up being a kind of "instant friend" who gave me support around my visit with my dad. So cool. I want to say, "only in the midwest", but I believe it can happen anywhere. My dad ended up running quite a bit late because he had to attend to some matters with his new status with his work as a doctor and biologist. These are relatively new adventures for him and I'll have to write later about how amazing my father is. His list of achievements/accomplishments is incredible, and he's very good about promoting that part of himself just to note. I think I could learn a thing or two from him. So for now, I'll just say that I'm impressed and happy that we're back in touch. He arrived and Lydia and Lauren also were there to greet my father and I felt totally supported and loved by how all of this happened so spontaneously. I can definitely say I was at the right place at the right time. Maybe moments like this can help teach me that EVERY moment, EVERY place puts us right where our life needs us to be. My father gave me a gift from Mieko, who I believe is still his EX-wife as of a few years back. I was happy to see that they are at least in close enough touch that I would get a present from her, through him. I called her later and it was so good to also be reconnected with her. I'll visit her next time I'm here and she said she wants to make me dinner…vegan I hope! Our visit had to end so I could get over to my mom and dad's for dinner. I went over and exchanged numbers with my new "instant friend" from the cafe and off my father and I went. We awkwardly said goodbye and it was good.

I popped right into Graeter's ice cream on Lydia's suggestion when I asked her where I could get a cake for my step-dad's birthday celebration happening within hours.  She pointed me right across the street and it all worked out great with Graeter's. Had cake, ice cream and candles and away I fled to Pleasant Ridge to their house. I was late but it all worked out for us and our dinner reservation at the Iron Horse in Glendale. To my surprise, there was a vegetarian dinner of "meat" balls and spaghetti! (meatballs were made from mushrooms, garbonzo beans, and other veggies) It was awesome! My mom even liked my dish more than hers. Go vegetarian mom! :) After we finished our dinner, I slyly snuck to the hostess stand and paid for the meal. It felt good to do even though I can't really afford to do this. One of the things my dad complained about when I was with him during my mom's health crisis was how he had paid for every meal and I never offered. It doesn't matter what I feel about that now, something in me just felt it was right to do in that moment and after all, it was his birthday dinner! We drove back home and celebrated with candles and all for his 64th birthday celebration. I can't even tell you when that happened last that we celebrated a birthday together. For this momentous occasion, I shared in eating some cake and even had a spoonful of the ice cream for old-times sake. :) Celebrations always help raise spirits and so this added nicely to our new place of relating with each other. My mom has always been quick to tears, but she was even more so that night. I love that about her and appreciate how she always shares her authentic self. It may be more tender these days, but even when she expressed it other ways, I always saw that she was being in her moment, hiding nothing for better or for worse. It was so hard to say good night and good bye to them that night, knowing I wasn't planning to visit again on this trip. But I said my goodbyes so I could have the chance to see Alan and Art that night.

Alan. We dated back during the days of my senior year in college and without going into it (which would be filled with things like how I yearned to feel the closeness with family like him, how afraid I was to love someone and express that, how exciting and passionate a relationship can be and how alive we are as simple, spiritual beings), I've had a wild and supremely significant relationship with him over the years. Since he's been with his partner Art, which has been something like 7+ years (?), we've landed in a place where we have great respect for each other and have built a friendship that goes straight to the heart. I really like Art and it's fun to see both of them. I met them at a downtown gay bar and it was fun seeing them and getting back in touch. It was brief and we didn't get to dive into too much heart-to-heart conversation, but it was perfect just the same.

Somewhere during the evening, Amy had texted me to let me know that bear-dog (the stray dog they look after who had been lost) had returned! Amy and Jay had been distraught over his disappearance during these cold, snowy days. Amy was so relieved and shared that when she and I had practiced yoga the morning before, that she had made a wish for his return. I was so happy to hear and let her know I had the same wish. When I got home, Amy met me on the porch so that bear-dog wouldn't be afraid of my entrance. He's nervous around anyone except Amy and Jay and it was so sweet to see this love they have for this sweet soul. I tried to pet him but the best I got was a sniff and curious but loving eyes. Better than I expected and I knew that we were good. I got home and Amy and I talked and ate late-night snacks until she cut me off saying I needed to get to sleep since I was teaching tomorrow morning! I could have stayed up all night just because of how cool it felt to be hanging out. It reminded me of our days on Main street (where we both lived for sometime) and how great it was to be neighbors and good pals all those years.

Morning came and we slurped down our Jay smoothies and headed to yoga. Another great class and great experience teaching. It was a nice gathering of people including a mini high-school class reunion of '88 with Melissa, Amy and Amy. And Melissa's oldest son Conner joined her as I hoped and he was so focused - he's a little yogi! Amy and I went to lunch at Melt and I got a rockin good vegan sandwich. Alena from back in the early SCPA and the only person whose phone number is the same and that I remember from way back then, showed up to join for a quick hello since she couldn't make it to class. I love Alena. It was worth it to see her even for those quick moments. If I was attached to having her stay longer, to her having been in class, to the class having been over-flowing with people, to us raising a certain amount of money to donate to Partners in Health, I would have suffered. And there was certainly a time when that could have been the case. With daily practice around letting go and creating more and more acceptance for what IS rather than what isn't, I found that I was filled only with happiness and delight. We raised about $200 over the 2-days at 3 legged dog yoga and that's success in my eyes. I look at it as being $200 more than what we had. And as a mastercard ad, it was priceless in how it brought us together to practice. Next time with more planning, I bet this can grow…and I'll get to check in on my attachments again!

I took Amy home and I shared with her how I wanted to visit my parents again. Even though I had already said goodbye, I felt a longing to see them again. She encouraged me to go and after a short break of catching up with some phone calls, I surprised them with a short visit. It was a perfect little visit and then I dashed off... I was able to get a hold of Ronnie and Dave (dated Ronnie back in my Cincinnati days) and was able to stop by and visit with their family. They have a 2-year old and another little one who's maybe 1 or almost 1…I forget. The little ones are soooo cute and I am so happy to see them. Ronnie and Dave moved into a phenomenal new home in Mt Lookout and so it wasn't too far of a zip from my parents house. I'm glad to still hold a connection with Ronnie after all these years and even though our connection amounts to visiting once a year and a christmas card that he sends, I feel deeply close. I learned so much from my early relationships and much of my art work dealt with processing my feelings and thoughts around my dating relationships. I feel blessed that there is peace and understanding and that we had that brief time together to date and get to know one another. There's a reason we get brought together with people and as one friend has shared, it's up to us to find out if it's for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

After this short hour-long visit, it was dinner time with Amy and Jay. Chef Jay made a brilliant gourmet Mexican meal from his new Mexican cookbooks. He's got an eye not only for choosing foods to prepare in a meal, but also for presentation. Amy, Jay and myself had a scrumptious meal and enjoyed the time together. I've known Amy since I was 11, and Jay only a relatively short time, but they feel like family for sure. The house next-door to them has been up for sale and I've joked how I'd like to buy it and be their neighbor. Or even have it as my "Cincinnati home". OMG, can you imagine? That's crackers on so many levels, yet makes complete sense to me on other levels…like the fact that the price is what you would pay for a garage in SF! Who knows what may come of ideas like this?! All I know is that I love imagining being close to them and know that the feelings I have for them is real and strong.

On the final note for the night, Amy and I did a rushed job of kitchen clean-up and jumped into my rental car to get to the Performance and Time Arts series at Contemporary Dance Theatre. I wanted to go mostly to get to see Jefferson - director of CDT and mentor from my Cincinnati dancing days, but also thought it would be a fun event to see with Amy. We got there just as the show was getting started, tip-toeing alongside the stage as the MC's were announcing the program. At the conclusion of the announcements from the stage, long-time local dancer/choreographer Judith pointed me out and gave me an amazingly sweet gesture of honor. Her co-MC Shirley bowed with an exuberant gesture when she discovered I was there and I was instantly re-bonded with my fellow Cincinnati modern dance community. Wow. I think I forgot how much this all meant to me, to all of us to have these experiences together. It's golden. I'm so glad I was there. As I watched the talented performers on the program that night, I felt a longing to make work. Hadn't felt that in a while. "Is it something about the space, the energy," Amy asked? Probably. I don't have this longing to make work in SF, but it certainly rushed through me last night. Breathe in, breathe out…see what it's all about.

We got home in time to join Jay who had watched a documentary on Soul Train. We got to watch some footage and it was heaven! I love that time, the clothing, the moves!! I drifted off to sleep at some point having spent every bit of energy I could that day. Off to sleep for my final night on this trip in the cozy home of Amy and Jay, the cozy even though very cold city of Cincinnati where my aging parents have shown me how love conquers all. I am blessed with this history of having grown up in this place that somehow still lives so strongly in my heart…and appears to be strong for others as well. Is this unusual or just how it is? I guess all that matters is that it is.

I've spent a long time writing this and I'm now back in San Francisco in my local coffeehouse having just had dinner. I feel like I'm back home and at the same time I'm not sure where I am… I remind myself that I'm right where I need to be, and that's enough for now. I'm grateful to have been able to take this time, to have the funds and interest in taking a trip like this. I'm grateful for all the love in my life and for having a heart that has the capacity to love so much and receive so much love. This has been the most meaningful Valentine's day ever. Happy Day of Hearts to All.